Trying to give yourself an actual illness?

Hi everyone, I'm new here so I hope I'm doing this oke but I've been really struggling with wanting to give myself Psychogenic Non Epileptic Seizure (PNES) or at least make myself black out spontaneously. However, it's definitely not working yet although I'm fairly certain I've damaged quite a bit of brain cells trying to make myself black out spontaneously. And it's driving me nuts. More important is that I actually want to develop PNES (I can explain this if someone is interested, but for now it doesn't seem relevant) and the internet says that almost everyone with PNES witnessed a traumatic event such as sexual abuse or the passing of a loved one and I check that box so I've been trying to make myself upset about those things on purpose and I did give myself panic attacks but that's not what I want! And I'm just feeling so lost because why do some people get PNES and I don't? Even though I'm literally trying to get it? I've been looking up so many scientific researches but no one can explain me how I get this disease. And I absolutely hate it. And I can't tell anyone in real and now I found out about this forum so that's why I share it here... And maybe someone has any insight?