I think I have FD

Ever since the age of 9, I've been faking stuff. I tried to kill someone just to prove that I had schizophrenia and/or was a psychopath! I've never had a history of abuse. I'm afraid that telling my parents will result in terrible outcomes, since my parents are really scary when they're angry. Part of me want to just end it all and get rid of the stress for good, and another part of me is calling it "FD behaviour, since you're obviously attention-whoring." Just because I'm suicidal. I know I need help, but I'm too afraid to speak up.
I feel now like every time I say something like that, I'm just screaming, "Give me attention!" At the top of my lungs for all the world to hear. I don't know if any of the things I say now are true or not. I feel like I'm lying to myself and I don't know what to do. I sometimes wish I hadn't been such a dumb ###$ in grade 4, then I might not have tried to kill that kid, causing this to not happen. Sometimes, I wish I was right about having schizophrenia, and end up in a mental institution relying on a nurse by the time I'm 20. I hate myself for thinking that, because I know how terrible the disease is, but I want it. I just want it all to end, but I know it won't. I feel scared to say anything, so I just stick with what I have, "mild anxiety"...

Welcome!

Faked schizo?? Never killed anyone, to try and prove it (showing up seems to do the job).

You're not the first!!!!

Here is a tip-meetings, but also um, when you do the self talk, thing (I had to go out and buy myself a book on the subject) modify what you're saying, maybe....

The book I bought is entitled, "Here is what to say when you talk to yourself."

At first, the self recrimination was bad. But it seems to help if I am not hanging out in my own head. The "I can' t believe I did that" bit, it is going to get better. Over time.