Hi there,
I'm new to this site and started to read some posts with the intention of replying, but quickly realised I could be there for a while so thought it would be best to write something that more people might read in the hope that it might help someone.
This is my story and it might be similar or very different to yours but I am writing this with the intent to reach out and offer hope. (I wish I could have had this years ago but due to the secretive nature of this condition I would imagine that like me...this might be the only place you have to reach out to which can be lonely and scary). I can completely empathise with anyone feeling guilty and lost in the world of FD.
I have suffered with FD since the age of 7. That's the first time I remember exaggerating or inducing a symptom. From there it progressed to various physical feigning both feigned and simulated. By the age of 13 I was in full force and had numerous hospital admissions in addition to GP visits.
I don't remember my motivations as a child but I came from a loving family and experienced no trauma.
At 13 things changed in me and I became a very unhappy little soul. I felt I didn't fit in with the world and experienced deep unhappiness, agitation and serious mood swings. My behaviour deteriorated and I became difficult, unpredictable and wild. At the same time my 'Faking' escalated and I was in and out of hospital with physical issues.
By 15 I was 'faking' psychological symptoms (in addition to really experiencing them) as well as physical symptoms.
From my teens to early adulthood I faked a number of serious emergency situations as well as physical and psychological issues. Told allot of lies and made some pretty serious stuff up. Spent years in and out of hospital , many emergency responses. I have been in ambulances, police cars and both medical, assessment and psyc wards and police cells repeatedly. Subjected myself to tests, treatments and punishments that have been both invasive and uncomfortable and completely unnecessary.
After a spell of nearly 2 years continuously in hospital in my early twenties I started to settle down and went back to study then going on to get a job in something I'm passionate about, raise a family (and no issues with MBP....just for the record)
Apart from the odd blip (and a more serious one a while back) I have finally got this under control. I am happy, have a successful career, a family and lots of friends
Why did I do this FD thing?
My motivations were not for the attention of family friends or even nursing staff. I was drawn to the feeling I got from being in a crisis response. Aside form that I have no idea why... and believe me I torture myself with this regularly. I absolutely did not feel any kind of gratification about tricking others, or any satisfaction form being in a cared for position once the crisis was over. I would often create another crisis if I was trapped in a setting I couldn't get out of as the on-going caring bit was not part of what motivated me.
How did I stop?
I realised I wanted a different life....the guilt....the shame I felt, still feel, is overwhelming at times. I nearly took my own life as a result of the guilt I felt about the impact I have had on others.
How did it feel?
At the time, all consuming, the planning and execution of various faked incidents, episodes. The feeling of being the centre of a crisis was addictive.
afterwards.....the guilt and shame is all consuming. Its a vicious circle
Reflections
I wish I had been challenged as a child, a thick file and so many various complaints should have been clues. I think an early intervention approach could prevent this escalating into full blown FD
I also wish I'd been tackled in a direct but gentle way and offered therapy and support to overcome this instead of wasting years of my life and causing so much harm, cost and time wasting to others.
Things that worked for me to move forwards
Discovering what my skills and talents are (you will have many if you have been good at FD because lets face it you have the skills to deceive some seriously intelligent and skilled people)
Applying my skills and talents to something productive
Setting out to do more good than harm in the world
Recognising I needed to be in a fast paced, crisis facing career
Seeking out strong role models with strong beliefs and values - modelling myself on them
Find out what else makes you feel alive inside.....and whatever it is do that!
Staying emotionally well/grounded .......if you get out of balance you might be at risk again (I was, it caught me out but I think I've learnt enough to ensure it doesn't happen again)
Sharing my story with somebody who has an interest in the subject and didn't judge me (which is how I've ended up on here )
The Future
Its a bit of the unknown now. I thought I would go to the grave with my secret (that was slowly eroding me inside)
I don't know what is next....that bit is still to come