Recovered from FD

Hi there,

I'm new to this site and started to read some posts with the intention of replying, but quickly realised I could be there for a while so thought it would be best to write something that more people might read in the hope that it might help someone.

This is my story and it might be similar or very different to yours but I am writing this with the intent to reach out and offer hope. (I wish I could have had this years ago but due to the secretive nature of this condition I would imagine that like me...this might be the only place you have to reach out to which can be lonely and scary). I can completely empathise with anyone feeling guilty and lost in the world of FD.

I have suffered with FD since the age of 7. That's the first time I remember exaggerating or inducing a symptom. From there it progressed to various physical feigning both feigned and simulated. By the age of 13 I was in full force and had numerous hospital admissions in addition to GP visits.

I don't remember my motivations as a child but I came from a loving family and experienced no trauma.

At 13 things changed in me and I became a very unhappy little soul. I felt I didn't fit in with the world and experienced deep unhappiness, agitation and serious mood swings. My behaviour deteriorated and I became difficult, unpredictable and wild. At the same time my 'Faking' escalated and I was in and out of hospital with physical issues.

By 15 I was 'faking' psychological symptoms (in addition to really experiencing them) as well as physical symptoms.

From my teens to early adulthood I faked a number of serious emergency situations as well as physical and psychological issues. Told allot of lies and made some pretty serious stuff up. Spent years in and out of hospital , many emergency responses. I have been in ambulances, police cars and both medical, assessment and psyc wards and police cells repeatedly. Subjected myself to tests, treatments and punishments that have been both invasive and uncomfortable and completely unnecessary.

After a spell of nearly 2 years continuously in hospital in my early twenties I started to settle down and went back to study then going on to get a job in something I'm passionate about, raise a family (and no issues with MBP....just for the record)

Apart from the odd blip (and a more serious one a while back) I have finally got this under control. I am happy, have a successful career, a family and lots of friends

Why did I do this FD thing?
My motivations were not for the attention of family friends or even nursing staff. I was drawn to the feeling I got from being in a crisis response. Aside form that I have no idea why... and believe me I torture myself with this regularly. I absolutely did not feel any kind of gratification about tricking others, or any satisfaction form being in a cared for position once the crisis was over. I would often create another crisis if I was trapped in a setting I couldn't get out of as the on-going caring bit was not part of what motivated me.

How did I stop?
I realised I wanted a different life....the guilt....the shame I felt, still feel, is overwhelming at times. I nearly took my own life as a result of the guilt I felt about the impact I have had on others.

How did it feel?
At the time, all consuming, the planning and execution of various faked incidents, episodes. The feeling of being the centre of a crisis was addictive.

afterwards.....the guilt and shame is all consuming. Its a vicious circle

Reflections
I wish I had been challenged as a child, a thick file and so many various complaints should have been clues. I think an early intervention approach could prevent this escalating into full blown FD

I also wish I'd been tackled in a direct but gentle way and offered therapy and support to overcome this instead of wasting years of my life and causing so much harm, cost and time wasting to others.


Things that worked for me to move forwards
Discovering what my skills and talents are (you will have many if you have been good at FD because lets face it you have the skills to deceive some seriously intelligent and skilled people)
Applying my skills and talents to something productive
Setting out to do more good than harm in the world
Recognising I needed to be in a fast paced, crisis facing career
Seeking out strong role models with strong beliefs and values - modelling myself on them
Find out what else makes you feel alive inside.....and whatever it is do that!
Staying emotionally well/grounded .......if you get out of balance you might be at risk again (I was, it caught me out but I think I've learnt enough to ensure it doesn't happen again)
Sharing my story with somebody who has an interest in the subject and didn't judge me (which is how I've ended up on here )

The Future
Its a bit of the unknown now. I thought I would go to the grave with my secret (that was slowly eroding me inside)
I don't know what is next....that bit is still to come

I need to add that I have been making ammends for the last 15 years. I haven't confessed what I've done because I can't bear the shame and don't think it will serve any good now. What's more important is making sure it never happens again.

I'm shamefully aware of the cost to people's emotions and the health service.

The people in my life receive help and support from me. I am a giver instead of a taker, I go out of my way to be kind and helpful.
I work hard in a job giving others a better life
I help others I see in need

Does this make me a better person......no it doesn't undo the years of damage I've done but it stops the guilt from eating me alive and I genuinely enjoy what I do and hope by the end of my life i will have put more back in than I've taken out.

If you do suffer from guilt it's important to find a way through this because it can immobilise you and keep you trapped in an unhealthy cycle. I'm not saying it ever goes away (and perhaps it shouldn't because it serves as a healthy reminder and helps our conscience guide us better) but it becomes bearable.

Touching based with all this again has made it resurface for me.

I'm in a conscious stage now of working out how I can ensure I never have a blip again.

The scales tipped to far which is what caused the last blip working too hard, giving too much of myself to others. I know inside I can still feel like a despicable monster for what I've done . I don't understand why I did these things. But I also recognise I am a good person too and have allot to offer the world so this has to remain my focus.

Wishing you all courage and hope......your not alone

You've already achieved the impossible.....you can do it again x

I'm also thinking its highly unlikely that I will get a response.....this is a very inactive forum which I should have guessed really.
I would never have accessed a forum in all the years I've been experienced this and have only just completely accepted I have FD even though I have always known on one level.

I'm realising this will probably be a blogging experience instead of interactive which is a shame as there are so many questions and thoughts I would really like to share/find out..

Having looked through some posts I can see there are years between interactions which must only add to the loneliness and feeling of ostracisation people with FD must feel all round. This isn't a pity me post.....just an observation. I'm going to check other sections of the forum to see if they are equally as inactive which I somehow doubt but let's see

Perhaps I am also just a little too impatient

I guess for anyone reading this in the future, remember you are your strongest alli, you've come this far by yourself. Dig deep and keep going

I need to add that there are still a few aspects of FD that I would like some help with. I'm working hard at it but there are still behaviours I struggle to keep under control (although the severity has reduced significantly with all the above)

Is there anyone out there that I can link too please?

I'm considering therapy for the first time but am uncertain as to how to approach..

So after researching for hours I still cannot find anyone specialising in FD in the UK

I cannot seek help from my GP or local CMHT as it's too complicated with work ( dont want to damage my reputation...lets face it woukd you trust someone with FD??)

a genuine physical health condition that is likely to need treatment at some point this also makes me fearful of seeking support from my GP.

I'm sure these are common concerns with no straightforward answers.

Seek help = risk everything

Manage by self = carry on as I am with risk of recurring relapse

OK so this is definitely going to be a blogging experience . 232 views and no comment, questions or replies. That's ok I understand it must be difficult reading and I'm relieved not to have received any abuse.

Self discovery starts here today. It's been a roller coaster week and since accepting I have FD (I know it's kind of obvious but believe me it's so easy to lie to yourself too) I've temporarily turned my world upside down again and created a sense of urgency to get this resolved.

I'm trying to source some therapy at the moment as I've realised I have deep rooted issues I need to sort out and perhaps other things about my personality I need to discover and try to resolve.

My recovery came by chance the first time, I was determined to put more back in the world than I have taken. Was lucky to find a way into a job that I'm really good at as inadvertently it has met the needs and aspects of my personality that I wasn't fully aware of.

But I've still been susceptible to relapse and experienced one not long ago

Recovery stage 2 - what will it look like?

I'm scared to seek help because I have children and don't ever want to be accused of MBP if they ever get ill. I'm also scared of the label FD - would anyone ever take me seriously again?

The alternative is to put it to one side again and just hope it never happens again.

I've resisted some thoughts and urges for some time now. Is that an indicator that I can now control it? Or a warning that I'm at risk of relapse if stressful events occur? Not sure!!

what about seeing a general psychologist or therapist and sort of "testing the waters"? by speaking in general, without specifically mentioning FD?
For example, discussing the impulses that drive you to get medical attention, how you feel when you are getting it, etc, but without actually spelling out what you've done?
in that way, you may be able to find a supportive professional who IS able to help. but without "outing" yourself prematurely to someone who isn't safe.
just a thought. writing about it is good too, but having someone else to bounce ideas off of and get support from is usually even better
you've done so much work on your own! hang in there!

Dear vortexvoid

Thank you for your response, I only just realised how much it means to get one, so thank you.

I will give your suggestion some serious thought as it seems very sensible. The only worry I have is I'm so sick of being unauthentic that I'm quite sure the only way forwards is complete honesty head on. The key is finding someone I can trust. I have allot of guilt to process too which I'm struggling to handle at the moment and I don't know how to release it without explaining.

I'm also worried any therapy will trigger some FD type behaviour/impulses . I don't know I'm very confused right now.

Thank you for giving me another route to think about really appreciate it