by stargazer47 » Wed Jul 04, 2018 1:08 am
I used to think if this was me, that I was a lost cause. God doesn't create lost causes.
From my last "incident" two years ago, the effect is a TBI. How, less important, nothing works the same now. And the bipolar is secondary. Same as some here, I also had similar issues-I remember at first, it was to get attention, some of it was. But quickly and as a teen, it was an addiction-and a powerful one. Medical treatment of any kind. Barring that, any other kind would do.
Times of stress, my addiction does still rear it's ugly head. But I know that it does get better. There is always hope.
I don't care to spill my whole unhappy story anymore. Besides, it's been told. Elsewhere.
And what bothers me is the amends you can't make. And that people like us, or myself, have given others PTSD? It isn't a good feeling.
I know that God has forgiven me, forgiving myself was a harder road. Getting some of the mania under control-and when you have faked symptoms before, or at least magnified them, the problem is when you're not. Disclosing that from the start (FD) on the last admit, I did because i wanted them to not worry about what most have taken for granted. The guilt lingers, always well. How did I forgive myself? Asked God for His help.
Therapy has been the long journey-and I would have liked to do a dual diagnosis program, and take a DBT class, but I bought the DBT book instead. Ongoing education.
I still tend to isolate, but got better lately-and my meds, for once, do help.
But tonight, after disclosing the 4th step to my counselor in a letter, I sat in my shower, praying to God, to please, remove at my age, the rest of any of my dishonesty. The lack of a filter, that I now have, that people are put off by, and that I start each day, praying for honesty, humility, open-mindedness, and willingness.
The steps look different for each person, and for the FD, they look much different. But it does get better-and we always have hope. I used to wonder what a second chance looked like for this one.
I thought about a narriative, and decided not to relive my rotten childhood another time. Time to look around me, and see how I can be of service to others. And that taking care of myself also doesn't mean I am still being selfish. It means I cannot be of service to others unless I do.
God forgives, you can forgive yourself. Other people, I suggest if you move one last time, that it is not a small town but a slightly larger one with some diversity.
Diagnosis: Human
Meds: The Word
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." -2 Corinthians 12:9