Recovered from FD

I'm really sorry to anyone out there with FD who is looking for support on here. This is not the right place to get it and there doesn't seem to be anywhere else you can connect to others either.

Dig deep and keep going!

Perhaps one day there will be more answers and less stigma

I'm dreading to think how I would have felt if I visited this site years ago. I'm more resilient now so the silence although disconcerting hasn't rocked my world as it would have done.

I'm pleased to report I'm winning. Working hard to understand and prevent any further issues.

I have completely put my trust in a therapist which feels good. Treated with compassion and kindness which is so healing. Lots to work through but this is a marathon not a sprint.

I probably won't visit again so this is me signing out but if you are reading this in the future I woukd strongly advise seeking therapy. Reveal yourself to someone, anyone you can trust as early as possible. Don't let this get a hold on your life and consume you. If your here it's because you can acknowledge the issue. Acknowledgement is the first phase of change

Good luck in your journey. Your not alone even though you may feel like it. Others are fighting the same battle in guilty silence.

just saw this and wanted to say, if you come back, i hope you're doing well. you seem very self-aware and like you're on a good path. keep focused on what you want for yourself, who you want to be. even when you feel totally alone, keep going. even if others don't understand what you're going through, you can still get support and comfort from people who care about you. message me anytime

Thank you vortexvoid

Wishing you happiness and peace, your kindness is much appreciated xx

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can relate so much to your story. It was like reading the story of my life. I remember from a very very young age wanting something to "overcome" my first faking illness I remember I was in high school when I called a drug and alcohol treatment center told them that I needed help. I went thru my very early years after high school making up stories of major crises going on in my life. From I had a sister who died to my dad dying. None of it was true. I was about 25 and started faking headaches. I had mulitple spinal taps, multiple hospital stays. I craved the attention and being in the crisis all the time. I drove all over the state looking for hospital admissions. I twice in two different parts of state, they actually thought they found something when I went in complaining about abdominal pain. Both times I was in there under false names. Both times I had abdominal surgery which were unnecessary. Nobody knows about this. I continued going under false names for a few years from hospital to hospital. I got caught eventually. I wound up going to jail for identity theft. I convinced them it was because of drug seeking behavior. My mother has always pushed that I was mentally ill so when I was in jail she did her research to get me into mental health court. They really didn't want to take me because they said I wasn't technically mentally ill as it was drug seeking behavior. Little did they know. I went to an intensive outpatient drug and alcholol program. I stopped with the hospital for a while because I had the drug program I was involved in. Then, I had a bulging disk in my neck which was ligimite. I had an emergency surgery. My mother told the doctors at that time that I made it all up. The surgeon told her that I could not possibly make that up or make it happen to myself yet they started digging at my mothers request into my background. I had psychiatrists talking to me about munchousens syndrome but yet I was in the hospital for a ligimetimate problem for the first time. I actually recovered from the surgery but somewhere along the line, I heard I had a spinal cord injury so I ran with that. When they were ready to release me from the hospital I had no where to go because I had been living in a drug and alcohol sort of halfway house and they couldn't hold my room anymore. They put me in a nursing home. I somehow have convinced the doctors or insurance companies that I have a spinal cord injury. I am currently had have been for several years now, in an assisted living facility not walking, using a power wheelchair and daily asking for help that I dont need, but the weird thing about this, I am happier than I have ever been. I have people around me all the time because I have communal living. I use my "disability" to define me, I am in a chair full time. I have never ever admitted all this to anybody ever in my life and I thought I would take this to the grave with me but I am realizing that I want to live a normal life. Is a normal life possible? Now, I dont know that it is just because physically, I haven't walked in 9 years. Nobody suspects anything because I haven't done the hospital stuff since I have been in assisted living because I have all the attention around me all the time. I know its a long winded rambling post. I appreciate a place to tell my story and look forward to hearing success stories so maybe I can get some help

Hi.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. I’ve recently met someone with FD and I want to be supportive to her. Your post is so encouraging - thanks

Update....

So I'm a year and a bit into therapy and what a journey it has been

I didnt realise I had attachment issues or that there was indeed trauma in my childhood. It doesnt completely make sense yet but im working on it.

I am able to be completely honest with somebody who doesnt judge me. It is hard but I know will be liberating in the future. Ive confessed to all the nasty things I have done which was a relief and now I'm starting to learn why my 7 year old self chose such a path.

Im taking medication too which I never thought I would consider but I realise now the stressors and things I have buried were taking a huge toll on my mental health, leaving me vulnerable to relapse hence the complicated situations I found myself in repeatedly trying to escape unbearable feelings that I couldnt identify or make sense of.

Its onwards and upwards from here

There is hope! This is frankly the hardest thing I have ever done but I am prepared to put in the work so my children have the best possible mum they can have.

Good luck everyone.....xxx

I used to think if this was me, that I was a lost cause. God doesn't create lost causes.

From my last "incident" two years ago, the effect is a TBI. How, less important, nothing works the same now. And the bipolar is secondary. Same as some here, I also had similar issues-I remember at first, it was to get attention, some of it was. But quickly and as a teen, it was an addiction-and a powerful one. Medical treatment of any kind. Barring that, any other kind would do.

Times of stress, my addiction does still rear it's ugly head. But I know that it does get better. There is always hope.

I don't care to spill my whole unhappy story anymore. Besides, it's been told. Elsewhere.

And what bothers me is the amends you can't make. And that people like us, or myself, have given others PTSD? It isn't a good feeling.

I know that God has forgiven me, forgiving myself was a harder road. Getting some of the mania under control-and when you have faked symptoms before, or at least magnified them, the problem is when you're not. Disclosing that from the start (FD) on the last admit, I did because i wanted them to not worry about what most have taken for granted. The guilt lingers, always well. How did I forgive myself? Asked God for His help.

Therapy has been the long journey-and I would have liked to do a dual diagnosis program, and take a DBT class, but I bought the DBT book instead. Ongoing education.

I still tend to isolate, but got better lately-and my meds, for once, do help.

But tonight, after disclosing the 4th step to my counselor in a letter, I sat in my shower, praying to God, to please, remove at my age, the rest of any of my dishonesty. The lack of a filter, that I now have, that people are put off by, and that I start each day, praying for honesty, humility, open-mindedness, and willingness.

The steps look different for each person, and for the FD, they look much different. But it does get better-and we always have hope. I used to wonder what a second chance looked like for this one.

I thought about a narriative, and decided not to relive my rotten childhood another time. Time to look around me, and see how I can be of service to others. And that taking care of myself also doesn't mean I am still being selfish. It means I cannot be of service to others unless I do.

God forgives, you can forgive yourself. Other people, I suggest if you move one last time, that it is not a small town but a slightly larger one with some diversity.

Hello

I don't know if you're still active on here but I was curious after reading your posts.

I actually had autism as a child and as a result severe dissociation and multiple alters.

Part of my childhood issues was an intense phobia of loud sounds and also a difficulty understanding speech and making sense of what people were meaning or asking me to do.

In my late teens I actually did experience hearing loss due to a medical issue and been given the wrong dose of a medication the actual hearing loss was such a relief but I'd be made to wear hearing aids. I had short hair back then so people could see if they were switched on or off so I started putting dud batteries in and covered the actual mic with clear glue so I could block out all environmental sounds.

We didn't know I had autism back then let alone that DID existed. Everything had been put down to a medical problem I'd been born with which had actually caused a difficult birth and developmental delays.

I don't know if this is the same as your issue but when my hearing returned I did not want to go back to finding everything terrifying as I'd by then found I could function in the world as a deaf person. I signed instead of spoke (due to Selective Mutism as a child) in shops and college and people assumed I was deaf and couldn't speak so no-one expected me to! If I had to go into a shop for something I'd write it down hand it to the person and point to my hearing aids, the expectation to speak in public instantly dissolved!

I'm now in my 50's and everyone around me still thinks I'm deaf, however through the internet and research I've since learnt the reason I still struggled to understand people and keep up in conversations even though I could hear things like birds singing was due to the autism and something known as Auditory Processing Disorder.

I live on my own now and in a very rural place isolated so I don't have to deal with people so much and many of my alters have vanished and I've been able to 'emerge' and begin to understand the real me.

I do actually have some physical health issues and do have permanent Tinnitus due to damage to the hair in my ears (when audiology/teachers would make sure they were switched on and turn them on loudly to make sure I could hear!) but our main issue is some alters have one disability and others have another and deny the other one eg One is autistic but not deaf, one was 'culturally deaf' so was the one who signed and never spoke (that got us through college and uni with interpreters), one was a wheelchair user full time (due to another health complication many years ago) accepted the hearing aids as the inability to cope with outside noise was still there, but was in complete denial about the autism.

The current 'mask' (who comes out when I have to deal with anyone) is one who believes she is a middle aged woman with RA (which explains the pain, inflammation and hearing aids) whilst being in denial about the autism. Each alter when fully up front really believes they have the conditions they think they have. (The body does get arthritis symptoms but only in freezing or very damp wet weather). Two alters can co-host together and decide which symptoms from each will be hidden and which need to be obvious to create an overall image to others of a certain level of disability. (depends which alter was up front when the real life person met us originally or whether its the first time of meeting someone IRL).

I'm not sure if it's exactly the same? From your first post it sounds like you created symptoms that had never originally been there? Whereas for me in all cases of any symptom, the body did actually have them at the point of original diagnosis.

Also for me unwanted attention and physical contact from strangers is something I find really difficult to deal with, so I would avoid any hospital testing where ever possible and google symptoms instead and try and find an alternative solution. eg Turmeric supplements to reduce inflammation rather than going to the doctors to endure being examined and having to take medications with more side effects.

For us it seems any new major symptom triggers a new alter (maybe the autistic brain's way of trying to make sense of the experience?) who then always has that symptom regardless of whether the original symptom was a temporary reaction to something or a permanent disability.

Thank you for sharing your story. I am very proud of your frankness and you are very brave! I am a family member of someone I love being affected by this and it is an emotional rollercoaster. I hope she one day has an epiphany moment. Your writing gives hope to all that read.
Grateful.