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Is this me?

Postby lostgirl32 » Sun Oct 30, 2016 7:11 am

This is very hard to explain. Bear with me please.

Basically, for the past three years, I experienced a lot of ups and downs in college. I was (and still am) really shy and so I had a hard time making friends. I was very unhappy. So I told my parents I thought I had depression. I got comfort from them as I could reach out to them all semester and had people who cared about me.

I had researched depression for a lot of the semester because I thought I had it. I was so relieved to tell a psychiatrist that I had depression because it gave me an excuse to feel so bad and I was glad to have a label. I did feel hopeless. But no, I wasn't having trouble sleeping, and no, I had no weight change, and no, I wasn't tired all the time. But I kind of said I was. And then when he said it was depression I was proud. But the antidepressants didn't do anything for me. Somehow, I had a fresh start, and a good semester after that. So my parents thought it was the antidepressants. I know now it wasn't, because I had never felt the effects of them this entire time, with every antidepressant I've tried...

I've done this multiple times over the past few years. Felt like I had depression and then kind of embodied it so I could always reach out for help for it. But I feel extreme guilt now for saying to my parents that I have depression just so I'll have their sympathy right now. I'm always looking up disorders because I feel like I have them, which is a very weird compulsion, so I could be doing that now as well... Do I have factitious disorder? Or am I just making up more excuses for myself? :oops:
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