I have Factitious disorder, so what? Why care?

Because when I understood/realized I have Factitious disorder I had a mental shutdown for 4 or 5 days. And I really mean a big one. I always knew I was sick, but really this sick. Ah. I actually cried which I rarely do and I couldn't sleep for three nights because my brain's frontal lobe was hurting like crazy from all the compulsive thoughts.
So it is better to not think about it. There is nothing I can do to become better anyway.

I don't want to tell my family or doctor because they will read about it on the web and get some sort of idea about me that would be harmful to them and to me. That's it. I am not heartless. I never decided to become like this. I was a lovely child, very smart, funny and everyone loved me. Then around the age of 12-13 something drastic happened to my psyche and since then I have never recovered. I do not know who I would be if I progressed like everyone else. Maybe a successful doctor with a family and house. A normal life basically. But it never happened and there was nothing I could do to prevent this situation to come.

Yeah, I have feigned disease once. I feigned auditory hallucinations on two occasions when I saw my doctor (a specialist in schizophrenia for 20+ years) and he was convinced so I was on anti psychotics for years. Then I hinted I had Bipolar disorder which I truly had and my other doctor did not believe me. So I had to fight for two months to get the proper diagnosis. I feel really upset when people state "you seem normal", "I can't see you have this diagnosis", when that is not the case. So there was a dramatic argument at the psychiatric ward before the finally realized I have Bipolar disorder.

So my Bipolar disorder is the underlying cause of Factitious disorder (not Borderline like in most cases, especially of feigning physical symptoms). I read also that a severe anxiety disorder can be the underlying cause of Factitious disorder.

I told myself often that only 1 in 100 000 or less suffer like I do and I was right I suppose. Chronic Factitious disorder with physiological signs and symptoms have the worst prognosis with 70 per cent taking their own life. I was surprised the figure was not higher considering how bad I feel and if others feel like I do.

I would never benefit from treatment since my brain is not working properly, but I can't stand being out in public with people looking at me. Sometimes I scream to them to stop looking at me because I feel unease when it happens. But I am even more agitated and threatening at the hospital because they are part of the reason why things have got this way. If they treated me with respect from the beginning I would be much better today and perhaps even have some friends and a job.

I also cannot stop taking amphetamines to get manic because I love the feeling of being manic and around people.

I do not speak native English but I try my best and I think you can understand what I mean if you yourself suffer from Factitious disorder with physiological symptoms!

Only a handful of people in my country have been diagnosed with Factitious disorder with predominately physiological signs and symptoms because it is less common than the other variant where people hurt themselves in physical ways to get surgery etc. I never had that urge.

If anyone has anything to say, just do it. I can deal with negative and positive feedback, I have gone through a lot in my life so I can deal with it.

Hi all again!

I just want to write another post on this subject as I feel disappointed about my first post which was written in affect to me just realizing I have this disorder.
I also want to explain the words "so what?" and "Why care?" in the Subject line. They are not meant to be taken as arrogant, but I was just feeling like my mind was hurting when I thought these compulsive thoughts: "I have Factitious disorder, I have Factitious disorder, I have Factitious disorder, I have Factitious disorder, I have FACTITIOUS DISORDER and it is a FACT!", so instead it was better to not think about it at all, which I have not done too much either.

Instead I have focused on other mental illnesses like bipolar, borderline, schizo-forms, autistic, periodic catatonia (which I "unfortunately" do not have ), and all the aspects and symptoms within each category of physical conditions. I want to find more literature on some things, like stimulant-induced mania (and psychosis) and simple stuff like psycho-motor agitation and retardation. Interesting stuff, I must say.

This is crazy. Why do I even write these posts? I do not know. I still have not told my doctor (whom I meet on a regular basis) nor anyone else in real-life about me having this condition. This is mostly due to two reasons.

a) It would cause them and me harm as the literature clearly states we lie about being sick in order to get attention and sympathy (it is not that simple nor a good explanation).
b) The Factitious culture is not to tell others too much about our inner feelings and thoughts. At least that is the way I think. Still I do this post, but it is just a simple one not going into depth on details about my state of mind.

I still take these stimulants in order to get manic. Then I take a few steps out of my boring apartment and walk around with complete strangers. I do it because I like being manic and around people. I also take stimulants that make me even more depressed, to the point I had psychotic depressions several times. I also enjoy being real depressed, and when I watch myself in the mirror and see my depressed face I feel okay about it.

I see folks walking outside my apartment window and can't stop thinking "Why did I become ME, and not THAT PERSON (or that person, or that ...)?", and I can feel pain but I am so used to it from childhood so it does not affect me the same way it would affect a "normal" person. This might not be a distinct disorder but merely a defense mechanism for people who are really unhealthy. My theory. Also, when thinking about it my father was absent from a very young age and I never felt like it has formed me, but maybe it has in some strange, unconscious way?

This is crazy. I just let the words flow, but everything is not 100% accurate, but for the most part I try to be honest. I am more of an exaggerating liar than a pathological liar. I am twisting the truth and if people catch me I can just say "Oh, I remember wrong about that detail, the story is true though".

So that was basically what I wanted to say. Now I will move on with life. Who knows, maybe I come back in a loooooooooong time and make a follow-up post in this particular thread?

Comments are still welcome (negative or positive), and I wish you all a rich and happy life. Life goes on and there is nothing we can do about it. People suffer every second and it is a good thought to think if you are in misery: "Would I prefer changing place with a person who is getting tortured right now?" Most likely someone else in the world suffer more than you in that particular moment, be glad you are not that person!
It has helped me to think that way!

From Europe with LOVE

Wow, this was a bloody looooooooooong time wasn't it?

No, who am I trying to fool?
I try to behave like I am doing okay when in fact I am not!

The truth is that I am in great misery and I am really lost. I do not know who I am anymore, and I even said that to many people before realizing I had FD.

I am so lost. I have tried to figure out what was wrong with me for 10 years, and I was even convinced I had periodic catatonia for a while. I had these excitement outbursts since adolescence but now I understand that they were not catatonic excitement of periodic nature. More like psycho-motor agitation.

When I read my old posts on different forums I cannot understand; did I really write that?
I can write stuff that I later regret or feel like it was not the real me.

To be honest I have different "identities" on the web forums, or more like different aliases with different personalities. If my doctor or anyone else got my different account names on some forums they would never ever have believed me because they are so different in aspects of personality, temper, etc.

And the literature on FD stating it is a conscious act to betray others but the cause to get attention and sympathy is unconscious, the first part of the sentence was not true for me. It never entered my mind that I was playing someone I was not. I never saw myself as a liar who was acting on a role.

I am more lost than ever now. It feels wrong now when I have this information to not tell anyone in real-life about it, but at the same time it could be harmful. It can turn out ugly.

At the same time, can it be worse? It could possibly be worse if they do not believe me or do not give a fk about the information I give them. That would be a total nightmare. Also, if they told my family I would be in such shame. I am so afraid to tell them the truth, because when I hinted about my bipolarity they did not believe me in the beginning which led me to despair.
God help me ...

My problem is that I try to act so normal, at the same time display signs of sickness. It is like I want people to think "He is in misery but seems untouched about it. He is so strong.", and get a thrill out of it. I always know instinctively if someone is watching me while I am out, and if I realize this person is truly interested in me or my manner I exaggerate my behavior.

I always seek "new" people to get approval from. My old friends I never want to play sick before them, making our friendship uninteresting for me. So I have few friends to be honest.

I used to be interested in so many things like sports (I used to sport when I was young), the universe, philosophy, society, reading magazines, taking walks in the forest, swimming, traveling and more, but now I have lost all of them and all I am interested in is medicine studies and reading about different mental illnesses and its symptoms and characteristics. Pretty sad, is it not?

I do need to be smart because I was on psychiatric treatment for schizophrenia (which I feigned) for a month and they refused to let me out when I wanted to walk out from there after a week. It was a nightmare to be stuck there for a month, when I needed new experiences. I cannot stay in the same place for too long, which has led me to go in and out of psychiatric treatment, living at my uncle, grandmother, mother, by myself or with friends from time to time. I even slept in the wild during summers because I was in such despair at home. I CANNOT STAY on the same spot for too long. Like hyper ADHD. Need new environments all the time.
That is the worst part for me, that I cannot find peace but must always seek new environments.

This has to stop! I am so lost, I hate myself, and I even feel like suicide would be the best option right now! Still, I do not want to die but I do not have much of a choice now do I. My mind is getting worse for each day and there is no treatment for FD. So should I keep on suffer day out and day in, or is it better to put a stop to the misery. I am not in shape to make that decision either, I feel like I need professional help!

Also thanks to the forum for this section! It did help me to read some of the threads here and I can actually relate to some of them. Far from all but some. And that makes me feel better, to know that there are people out there.

Thanks!

Really? No one has replied these posts? That's odd.

Hi there I really enjoyed reading your posts because I get it. And I agree.
And sorry... I don't really have any answers.... but I often live life as sort of an 'experiment' in a 'what would happen' scenario. I'm not nearly as committed as you are though...I'm curious to what happened when you feigned schizophrenia. Schizophrenia runs in my family and I've often wondered what that would be like. As well as autism... I say I'm borderline autistic, since it's judged on a spectrum I can say I'm definitely somewhere on the spectrum, but never professionally assessed. Mental disorders and such seem to take a glamorous tone in my mind - I suspect the same in you.

Really, you seem like a Very intelligent mind. Don't change a thing - figure out how to channel your energy into something beautiful, crazy, and worthwhile. The world needs that.

Much love,
Fifi <3

fifinella52 wrote:Really? No one has replied these posts? That's odd.

Hi there I really enjoyed reading your posts because I get it. And I agree.
And sorry... I don't really have any answers.... but I often live life as sort of an 'experiment' in a 'what would happen' scenario. I'm not nearly as committed as you are though...I'm curious to what happened when you feigned schizophrenia. Schizophrenia runs in my family and I've often wondered what that would be like. As well as autism... I say I'm borderline autistic, since it's judged on a spectrum I can say I'm definitely somewhere on the spectrum, but never professionally assessed. Mental disorders and such seem to take a glamorous tone in my mind - I suspect the same in you.

Really, you seem like a Very intelligent mind. Don't change a thing - figure out how to channel your energy into something beautiful, crazy, and worthwhile. The world needs that.

Much love,
Fifi <3

Hi Fifi and thanks for your contribution!

Maybe the Subject line scared some people away.

I could write a long reply here but I won't. I just want to wish you peace and that your experiment will turn out well. It sounds like an interesting thought.
I am also aware of the nature of this disorder and neither you or I will benefit from constructive tips on how to manage this disorder. So I understand what you mean when you say you do not really have any answers!

Just some final words. In the literature I read that many health care providers get humiliated when they catch a person with Münchausen syndrome. Well, no need to be humiliated for that. Actually it is persons who are non-caring that should be humiliated from my twisted point of view. I never get a thrill out of deceiving others, so people should stop thinking so; like I think "YES, I really busted you with my betraying" when that is not the case.

I hope you will find a pathway to live a somewhat happy life. It is not good for the mind to be too detail-focused on mental disorders and medication literature. But it is impossible to resist.

Hi p docs I can relate to allot of what you say. Lots of similarities

Completely relate to when you say you weren't consciously living a lie. I have oblnly just accepted I have FD. Always known on one level but so wrapped up and taken in by my life story I too forgot who I really was. I still don't know

Acceptance and realisation brings great pain and instability. I'm hoping it's short lived so I can start to restructure who I should be.
Starting with getting involved in positive meaningful activity.
I know it's harder than it sounds
I feel your pain
I'm struggling too at the moment and not sure where this is going to end up
Holding on by a thread
But there is hope!
I promise x