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FD tendencies *without* faking?

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FD tendencies *without* faking?

Postby acal2468 » Sun Feb 14, 2016 5:58 pm

I'm wondering if it's possible to have FD if you just don't actually fake being sick or make your self sick. When I was a kid, I remember being envious of my classmates who would come to school with casts on their arms or legs. I used to fantasize about having a broken leg myself and getting the same kind of attention and nurturing that they did. I've fantasized about having chronic health issues, such as being paralyzed or having a heart condition. In my fantasies, I handle these situations with grace and courage, and I receive plenty of nurturing and admiration from others. I've always told myself that fantasies are harmless entertainment as long as I'm not actually faking being sick or making myself sick. And I've never actually faked or made myself sick.

Recently, I had a real health scare. Something came up on a routine screening that could have been cancer. I was in limbo for a few weeks while additional testing was done. During those few weeks, I fantasized all the time about having early stage cancer. I planned out what kinds of treatment I'd get. I rehearsed how I'd react to the news, and how I'd convey the news to my family. I really enjoyed the concern that my family and friends showed during this period. I fantasized about how much more nurturing and care I'd get after I was actually diagnosed with cancer. When I got the news that my test results were benign, I felt sad, disappointed, and empty. I told my family and friends the results came back benign. I would never lie about something like this. But I did lie about my feelings. I pretended to be relieved when I actually felt really depressed. I could not share my real feelings because people would never have understood.

Would this not be considered FD since I'm not actually faking anything? Or would it be a mild case? In a sense, there's no problem really, since my behavior does not cause problems for me or anyone else. But I really didn't like having to fake how I *felt* during my cancer scare. I would like to have "normal" feelings of anxiety at the possibility of having cancer and relief when I learn that I don't. Or are my feelings actually normal and common - i.e., many people who don't have FD have some desire to be in the sick role - and people just don't talk about this because it's socially unacceptable? When someone is treated successfully for FD, do their *feelings* about being sick actually change, or do they just learn to control their behavior?

Thank you for any insight you can provide!
acal2468
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