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Scared I might have FD

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Scared I might have FD

Postby terrified75 » Thu Nov 26, 2015 3:20 am

This is going to be a long story.

When I was a kid, I started having anxiety. It made school really hard and I felt especially bad about gym class. I didn't know it was anxiety then, I didn't know what it was. So I'd "fake sick" to stay home from school because that relieved the anxiety. Eventually people started catching on and got mad and I felt bad about it so I stopped. As I got older, though, I started to become so shy and anxious I could hardly talk to people, especially anyone unfamiliar, and started avoiding certain situations at all costs, like crowded, loud places like restaurants.

At one point I had a panic attack while on a field trip. I think this was about 7th or 8th grade, long after stopping the faking. I didn't know what a panic attack was at that time and was told afterwards what it was. It was pretty classic- hyperventilating, nausea, feeling as if there was something very wrong with me and I had to flee. Once we got out of there and I spent some time outside I felt totally relieved and exhausted. I don't recall getting any special attention for this or anything, but being pleased it had a name so I could understand what it was and avoid it in the future.

Because of the above, as well as the fact that my grandma had taken and read my diary and saw some things about suicide (not serious- a friend had told me something and I was curious and trying to understand), my parents convinced me to see a therapist. I didn't see her that many times. I think maybe when she asked me what I wanted out of therapy I might have said "a diagnosis" but I meant I wanted to understand what was wrong. I knew with certainty there was SOMETHING not right. I didn't know how to explain, I was a kid.

Now, I don't know how well I am remembering these events, but she told my dad that she thought I had factitious disorder or that I could develop it or something. He tried to ask me about it at home by asking something like had I ever faked being ill. Not understanding at all what he was asking I said yes because of the school avoidance from when I was younger! Well, my dad has bipolar disorder and I guess he was offended at the idea of someone faking - I can understand that - but he flipped. He yelled at me "you ######6 bitch" and he stormed off. I don't really remember what happened after that. I think it got explained to me what had happened and my mom understand why I'd said yes and tried to resolve it but other than that I'm not at all sure. There's some fuzzy stuff but I don't know.

I stopped seeing the therapist. I kept being anxious - it actually affected my life so much that I skipped class the first time because of anxiety, started developing a substance use problem, dropped out of high school, never learned to drive, dropped out of university, would have to call out of work because I'd get so anxious I'd feel physically ill... I could go on. I'll admit that in my early high school years I had a brief period of faking panic attacks (maybe a couple years on and off?) but I felt awful about it and I stopped.

Now a funny little thing happened. I forgot about what happened with that first therapist. I don't know how I could have forgot something I found so upsetting but I did. But now every time I try to get help for (what I perceive to be) my real anxiety/mental health issues, I get into this anxiety loop where I start to think that my doctors think I have FD, that everyone is lying to me about my diagnoses, that people are plotting about me behind my back, etc, etc. So I think I must get defensive about it much in the way that someone with FD might. I can find all this "evidence" in my head for why they must think I am faking.

For example: I saw a psychiatrist a couple times. I stopped seeing him because he was an asshole and I decided that it was actually more detrimental to my health for me to be seeing him. I went through the beginning stages of requesting a copy of the records he had on me but I backed out because of phone anxiety. He eventually sent my family doc the records (as he said he would during an appointment we had). So I asked my family doc if he diagnosed me with anything. I wanted to know so I could try to get better and understand what was wrong with me. Now, when I first saw the psychiatrist I told him I struggled with anxiety and thought I probably had GAD and that I was concerned I might have had a manic episode once. He seemed agreeable with the mania thing, oddly (I'm still not sure about that), but argued with me a little on the GAD, which to me I thought meant I did not have it. He also said a bunch of stuff about borderline personality disorder which really confused me for a long time and kinda still does!

BUT when I asked my family doctor he said that I'd been diagnosed with "GAD with panic attacks" and that I "took a drug and went a little bit bipolar once" - both of which seem like questionable phrasing to me to begin with but that's besides the point - and didn't say anything about BPD. To me that sounds like they are just telling me what I want to hear and not saying my real diagnosis! There's other things too that make me think they think this but this is already getting so long.

Going off the warning signs on webMD, I may have a "dramatic but inconsistent" medical history because I'm always evaluating and reevaluating how to explain my symptoms (because I'm worried about saying things wrong because anxiety and bad social skills) and I have reported atypical psychotic symptoms (which I think are either drug-induced or anxiety that I'm mistaking for delusions or maybe even BPD but now I know I shouldn't have reported them. they were so hard for me to bring up and it wasn't worth it at all). I've always talked too precisely with a good vocabulary to the point where I'm in the habit of dumbing myself down because people always told me it was weird or uncool and I do have a lot of knowledge about medical terminology because I work in a medical field (medical transcription) but I honestly never even wanted this to be my job? I went to school for it because I could do distance learning with it and I was afraid to go back to real school, and my mom told me I had to do something with my life if I was going to live at home and suggested it, so I did what she said.

Sometimes I google stuff to make me feel better about my anxiety, like if I google "interstitial cystitis" I can prove to myself that I don't have it and feel better at least for a bit, but that doesn't work with mental health stuff because there's no way to prove to myself I don't have it. I keep trying to reach out to people, my boyfriend, my mom, but no matter how much they try to reassure me it doesn't work. I can start to see that they really believe me but I still think the doctors don't. So now I can't stop obsessing and worrying about this, there's no way out and it's preventing me from getting help and seeing a therapist or psychiatrist again which I think I might really need. I can't even get through an hour of work without crying and I really really need to focus for my job but I can't because my thoughts are racing. There are other worries too but this is the main one right now.

Is it possible that I could have FD? My anxiety feels so real. Could I possibly be lying to myself all this time? I'm terrified and so tired and I just want help. I just want someone to help me. I want to get better and not be a burden on the people I love. If you read all this thank you so much. I know you guys aren't psychiatrists and you can't diagnose someone over the internet but I truly would appreciate some opinions on this, I don't know where else to turn.
terrified75
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