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So scared :(

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So scared :(

Postby looneyluna » Thu May 01, 2014 1:10 pm

I think I may have this disorder and I hate myself. 

From a young age I knew that the only thing that was good about me and that made me stand out was what was wrong with me, physically ( temporary illness). I also felt saved by my temporary illness by having the added benifit of staying home from school alot. I was so scared of being outside my house and being away from my mum.

I would get such bad anxiety when ever I had to go somewhere that my mum also took me to the doctor alot because she though that I was actually ill.


My dad was a drug addict and abusive in every way except he was rarely physical. I felt trapped at home but so scared to leave.

As I grew up I began to feel under average and that I would be unable to do anything at all except hide away and be scared. I saw no future for myself and I believed this meant I would die before I became an adult. My anxiety caused me to feel unable to eat sustanably for long periods of time which I believe is largely a factor in my development of eating disordered thoughts and urges. 


But I also feel that I would be special if I were sick and I would be (safer) if I were sick. I didn't fight hard enough, I wanted to be sick. So I didn't fight weight loss. Unfortunately I have been eating disordered for so long and I am definitely never in control of it. I want legitimate help to get in control but I am not important enough to be helped becaused I am over 18. I am eating disordered and it is not glamorous.

 

About 14yrs ago I became obsessed with type 1 diabetes. I wanted it and I still desperately want it. Why would I want this?


I can have long periods of time where I feel normal and that I don't feel utterly obsessed with being sick and I like that but then BAM my whole world has shrunk back to this obsession again. If I actually had diabetes then I feel that I might be able to have a life again.  I have researched like an idiot what I can do to get it and short of doing self surgery to remove my own pancreas it isn't likely. I hate thinking like this. I feel like I am in a black whole and nothing but fear of myself can touch me.


When I became eating disordered I almost felt like I had grown out of this obsession with being ill. But perhaps I had just filled one obsession with another or maybe I was getting what I subconsciously sought after. Although I rarely did feel loved or cared for or involved with my family more than before. If anything it has become a wedge between me and the world. I hated myself and I could see nothing but calories and fat etc. I am now binging and sometimes purging instead of restricting now. I rarely interact with anyone and I have mostly been that way inclined since I was 11yrs old. I crave human contact and I am terrified anytime it is offered. I have often thought about ending it but everytime I do I think of how much that would hurt my family and I don't want that.


 If I can escape this obsession with diabetes again (SO STUPID) I know that I will still be living the eating disordered hell. I can't trully escape this mental pain. I want my brain back.


I am sorry for my stupid ramble but what can I do? I am so tired of not being good enough because I don't have diabetes. I am so worn down by my eating disorder and hating myself and feeling that I am not worthy of being alive becauseI Ifeel fat. I desperately want a friend but I am so scared of leaving my safe, boring routinue. I don't want to be me anymore :(
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Re: So scared :(

Postby CrackedGirl » Sat May 03, 2014 4:45 pm

Hugs

Sounds like things are really difficult for you and having an ED is so awful to live with - I had bulimia as a teenager as well as restricting. It is tough. I wonder if you want the diabetes because you equate this with attention and attention for medical stuff is your experience of feeling loved. I dont know that for sure tho but just thought I would mention it. Have you checked out the ED forums here? It might be worth it if you havent as they may be helpful for you - def worth a look I would think. Sounds like things are really difficult for you so please be kind to yourself. Are you having any help with the ED?

Hugs

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Re: So scared :(

Postby looneyluna » Sat May 03, 2014 5:25 pm

Thankyou Cracked Girl.

I can see possible truth in what you said.

It is amazing to hear that you recovered from your eating disorder. Do you have any tips?
I have had little help for my ed. Where I live treatment is very limited. I would have to become alot sicker before I could get any help and even then they wouldn't help me with anything but weight gain because there are nò health professionals that deal with ed's where I live. Right now I just feel ignored because I am not sick enough. I have another visit with my doctor soon. I feel that is my last chance. If she cannot recommend anything then I am screwed. Perhaps that is one reason that I want to be sick. I want an illness that can be dealt with and managed sòmewhat. Not a lonely traumatic eating disorder.

Thankyou again and I hope you have a good day.
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Re: So scared :(

Postby CrackedGirl » Sat May 03, 2014 5:45 pm

In terms of the getting better from ED- it was really tough. i still occasioanlly have problems but it is way way way better. A lot of it initially tbh was not wanting to get caught so having to eat normally at times even when I did not want to - eg when I could not restrict and there was no way to be able to purge and not have ppl be suspicious. I did see a therapist but I did not trust them to talk to them. I think I just gradually started eating better -also I was so tired- having an ED is exhausting. My school also did not handle it well and used to spy on me so this meant I was prtty much forced into gtting better.

Having an ED is SO tough. I think in terms of worrying about whether you have an FD I would let this take a back seat whilst you work on your eating. I think that is the priority here. It is really difficult - in the end I think it is about letting the healthy eating side be more strong than the ED side and that is to do with making a firm decision to recover. Not easy at all tho for sure.

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Re: So scared :(

Postby AnyMouse » Sun Aug 09, 2015 7:17 am

Now, I've never been diagnosed with Factitious Disorder, but I just happened to click on this out of curiosity. I usually frequent the anxiety forum because I have been diagnosed with OCD and PTSD.

However, I can say that there seems to be some really strange correlation between obsessive thoughts/compulsive behavior, and what people would claim to be "Factitious Disorder." It's very interesting to me that you mentioned constantly that you were "obsessed" by a topic, especially one within the realm of an illness of some kind.

What I also know is that bulimia and anorexia are pretty often co-morbid with OCD; that is to say they do go hand in hand. As I've said, I have been diagnosed with OCD and during my life I experienced both bulimia and anorexia. What I know about reducing obsessions - about food in this case - is that you need to try and cut out the compulsion related to them. For example, if you are worried about dirt and germs and you wash your hands constantly for hours a day, then try to limit or minimize the number of times and for how long you wash your hands until you can easily go a whole day without washing.

So, my advice is first and foremost: Whether you have any kind of illness, seek help and be honest with whomever you are talking to. Your post seems very honest, and it shows me a lot of anxiety and doubt, and a need for control or certainty. Any trained therapist will be able to determine these things as well after a couple of sessions.

Second, since the obsessions you have with food as they are related to bulimia and anorexia are driven by your need to purge or binge or limit, try to cut these compulsive behaviors out. By saying that they are "driven" by the need, that is only to say that compulsions almost always exacerbate obsessions, which therefore increases the amount of compulsive activity. I personally cannot remember how I managed to get over my bulimia/anorexia. What I do remember is that I think the first step I took to cutting out the compulsive behaviors was by eliminating the means to act. I would use diuretics and laxatives as a means of purging, so I would remove those from my home. I would also go to the gym for nearly 6 hours a day as another means of "purging," but my mother had to drive me because I did not have my driver's license at the time. So, I asked her to pick me up at very specific times which limited me to at MOST 2 hours of exercise a day. I also kept the limiting compulsion, but supplemented it by instead of limiting myself to one salad a day - which is by no means sustainable for any healthy way of life - I would eat three salads a day. Three salads a day was not much better, but it was more food and therefore more key nutrients that I need.

That's only what worked for me, though. Obviously, there are different strokes for different blokes. What I do know is that the obsessions are going to be there - obsessions about food and weight - but the compulsions do not HAVE to be there - compulsions to purge/binge/limit. My advice is to tackle the compulsions, and then you might see that eventually the obsessions with food will drift off into the cosmos of your brain.

I'm not sure about the Factitious Disorder aspect of this all. However, having been diagnosed with OCD, my obsessive mindset makes me question almost everything that I've ever been through in light of discovering FD only tonight! It's rather frightening, but to be frank: that's the nature of OCD. Basically everything frightens someone with OCD. I guess that's something to take to my therapist tomorrow and discuss in better detail. :shock:
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Re: So scared :(

Postby penguinsRcool77 » Tue Nov 03, 2015 10:12 am

Looneyluna,
Your post was so close to my own experience that I could have written parts of it myself about me. I was diagnosed officially with Factitious Disorder in June of this year (2015) while I was in treatment for an Eating Disorder that I had claimed to have had since age 11 (I am now 28). I thought at times that I actually had an eating disorder and would lose the weight and binge and purge and restrict and exercise and take laxatives and such and that would land me in treatment or in hospitals or ERs or ICUs and such all the time. I began to realize back in 2010 that it seemed that I really didn't care much about losing the weight or controlling the calories though and I didn't really have a strong fear of food. I started to realize that my end goal had always been to be in the hospital and to be taken care of. Whenever I would get tired of hospitalization or treatment then I would just start eating normally again and they would let me out and then I would do the whole thing over again.

I also had an obsession with diabetes and would even pretend to have it and manipulate my blood sugar so that Doctors would give me injectable medications for it. I even had a very expensive very risky surgery to "cure" the diabetes. Now that surgery has caused me way more problems that I don't want now that I am trying to live outside of hospitals. I had an obsession with autoimmune diseases too at one point and received many treatments for that which ended up costing me a lot of money and causing problems. For a while I tried to be schizophrenic and bi-polar too and was placed in psych wards and medicated for that too.

When I was in treatment recently my therapist (who had studied factitious disorder before) started asking me strange questions about my ED and Psych behaviors and it sounded to me like she didn't believe me. I eventually told her that I had been making myself sick for the purpose of spending time in treatment. She was not mad as I had expected her to be but instead really supportive of me getting help for the factitious disorder and to stop worrying about the eating disorder and other stuff.

I think that that is how I got over the ED stuff is I just let myself believe that that particular problem wasn't real. For some reason all of my supposed food rules and behaviors just slipped away after that and I haven't had a genuine ED thought since. I also stopped taking psych meds, which is not a good recommendation for everyone but it worked for me.

The part that I struggle with the most is craving human contact and friendship and relationship so much and then being so scared by it. I worry all of the time that people will not understand my life and not get the truth about my struggles. Or if they do get the concept of what I have been through that they will judge me for it or hate me for it. A lot of times I think I should just isolate myself from everyone else so that they won't have to experience me and my craziness. I am so scared of rejection.

I also worry about the fact that my mind seems to be on and analyzing myself and others and random things all of the time and I cannot make it stop ever. I feel that this is just something that is happening because my brain has been medicated for so long and now its coming back online, but I have not been able to get used to it yet.

I also hate myself every day for what I have done and what I have put everyone around me through. I am in a research clinic now where I get therapy and they study this disorder at the same time. My therapist constantly tries to help me feel better about myself telling me that Factitious disorder is a real thing that I couldn't help just like people can't help having schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder and so on. She always tells me that I can be around other people if want to be.

Another thing that is helping me, and causing me lots of anxiety at the same time, is working at treatment centers and hospitals that treat the disorders that I was claiming to have. Working at these facilities seems to let me experience parts of treatment and hospitalization but not actually be a patient. Its kind of like a harm reduction technique. This is also not a good technique for everyone but it works for me. It is anxiety provoking because I have received so much treatment for various issues in my city over the years that often I have to work as a co-worker with people who have been my providers in the past and don't know that I was diagnosed with FD and think that I still may have the perceived issue. There are laws here about what they can say about that to me and to others though so I just pretend not to know them from before most of the time.

This is such a difficult disorder and so few people ever come forward and admit to it and get treatment for it. I don't know if recovery or slipping into normal life is even possible, there is just not enough research yet. Though I hope that it is.
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