Husband's ED not getting fixed...advice?

Hello, I am new to this group and am looking for advice. I am the wife of a husband with ED. Our background: We met in May 2019 on an online dating site. Liked each other after meeting so we started dating. He wanted to keep it from getting sexual for religious reasons and I was impressed by that even though he made me hot as hell...even though I was 63 at the time. Looking back on it now...I think he was afraid of losing me due to the ED so he pretended that it was for religious reasons. I had my guard up emotionally due to failed relationships in the past but then he started talking love and marriage in September of 2019 so I let my guard down and let myself fall in love with him. In Dec of 2020 I started noticing him hiding what he was doing on his phone. Then to my dismay discovered that he had joined a dating site with black women on it and he was perusing these women while sitting right beside me! Then he confessed to me that he had had a wild and wonderful weekend with a black woman back in 2004 and still yearned for that. I was devastated, freaked out, and told him I couldn't see him anymore. He fell apart and begged me not to break up with him, saying that he was being a jackass and he was sorry and he really loved me and wanted to be with me the rest of his life. After awhile I forgave him and we got married this past July 2020. Problem is...we have not been able to consummate our marriage, as he has ED. He has only been able to achieve penetration a few time in the 6 months we've been married but he always goes soft right after. Our counselor says he really doesn't want an actual rel. with a black woman...that it's just his fantasy. We have seen a urologist and nothing is physically wrong wit him. It's psychological. We've tried vacuum but he fumbled around with it then wouldn't try it again. We tried Cialis...he didn't like the side effects. He is now taking natural supplements...Vitralis, DHEA, and Pycnogenol....but nothing is working! Actually...I would be ok without it....but I absolutely cannot stomach him thinking about other women, especially black women and then not being able to function with me. He's been known to flirt with black women at work and I've seen the way he looks at them at times and this whole thing is driving me mad!!! We pleasure each other orally but I really miss actual sex!!! It is killing me wondering if he would actually be able to function with a black woman and even though I've never had a racist bone in my body...now I am filled with bitterness and anger every time I see a pretty black woman, especially if I see him looking at her! He assured me that things would be the same...that he would still have ED even if I looked like a movie star, but I am still stressing over whether he could function with someone else. How can we overcome this in our marriage? Can it survive? We have a great relationship otherwise. He actually divorced his last wife due to this problem and has lost other relationships as well. He used to masturbate to porn but does not view porn anymore. Any advice?

Hello and welcome!

I have some issues that are mostly psychological in nature (despite my avatar I'm bio male) and I think that it wouldn't matter, he'd still have a problem. Once performance anxiety gets in your head, it's really hard to get it out. I can only speak for myself, but I'd think if he ever got with a black girl, it'd probably be even worse, because it'd be just that more pressure to perform. It'd be like OMG I can't blow this! which would immediately do just that. If you hadn't run into anything like that, try not thinking about giraffes. Well, you just did, right? So... not thinking about not being able to get it up just about guarantees it's going to happen. Actually not thinking about it is really super hard, because you have to truly just forget to think about that little problem. It's a pretty vicious circle.

Unless a person marries for solely some non-sexual reason, it doesn't matter if he has a thing for this or that, he's with you. I sort of have a 'thing' for black girls- I sort of have a 'thing' for a lot of 'things', but they're just 'things'. It's... irrelevant, I'm with whom I'm with, and that's how it is. Although sitting there looking at the dating site- that was... boys are real dumb sometimes.

As far as the ED I don't know maybe some therapy would help, if he could see someone that specialises in that kind of thing (I have no idea if people do but I would presume there are professionals that do)

Thank you so much for your reply and advice. The counselor we have seen in the past is actually a sex therapist, so I think I am going to suggest that we go in to see him again. Is there anything else you can suggest to help my husband with this problem?

Trying to think of something, anything else, sometimes helps. Sometimes.

I try to think about zebras. Why zebras? Why not?

I am not exactly normal either, but I would not put up with what he is doing at all.