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Never been able to have sex because of performance anxiety

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Never been able to have sex because of performance anxiety

Postby Ijwbn95 » Tue Feb 19, 2019 7:06 pm

I am now 23 years, bisexual, and I feel I have lost so much of what other people would call "having a good time" the first time I tried to be intimate was a complete fail. It was this guy that I had a huge crush on and I couldn't perform. I felt so ashamed and guilty, angry, sad, and broken, because I couldn't get an erection. Jump 5 years and it still the case. Everytime I try to "too" it's all flashbacks and anxiety thinking that I won't be able to. So I know I play the role of 'bottom" which i don't particularly like but if it means having "sex" then by all means. I just feel so broken inside and ashamed that the one thing that suppose to be a really good stressed reducer has his given me sadness and disappointment of myself. Has anybody gone through this in their life ? If so what did you ? How did you overcome this ? And what do recommendations do you have ? I just feel very alje and desperate because I just want to feel normal
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Re: Never been able to have sex because of performance anxiety

Postby Snaga » Thu Feb 21, 2019 8:30 am

Short of pills, the only thing I know is to try and get outside of your head and try to not think about it and just let things happen... I feel for you, I have had problems with performance anxiety. Once it happens, if you let it get inside your head, it's awful trying to get it out again. I just try to think of other things, but it's not easy.
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Re: Never been able to have sex because of performance anxiety

Postby Flavio » Fri Dec 04, 2020 10:07 pm

I've battled sexual performance anxiety for over 20 years and today I have a normal sex life. And if I could beat this curse, so can you.

A few tips that may be helpful:

a) Do A LOT of research on the subject of psychogenic ED. Read books (I recommend anything written by the brilliant urologist Tom F. Lue), talk to doctors, consult good websites. The more you know about sex, the less stressful it will be.

b) Go see a urologist. It's no shame to seek professional help and even if this is just psychological, a urologist will be able to help you.

c) It's perfectly normal to fail every now and then, that's not even ED and happens to all men.

d) I have a technique that is very effective: whenever I have a negative sexual experience, I abstain from sex for a long period of time (1 month, 2 months, whatever it takes), just to forget about it and clear my mind.

e) Make sure you are not taking any meds that may worsen ED (e.g. caffeine, antiandrogens, SSRIs, benzodiazepines)

f) A warm shower before sex can do wonders, it will relax you and widen the blood vessels that bring blood into the penis to form an erection

g) Oral meds may be helpful but they are a last resort solution and, again, you will have to consult a urologist and get a prescription.

Good luck and keep us posted on your progress.
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Re: Never been able to have sex because of performance anxiety

Postby Flavio » Sat Dec 05, 2020 2:07 pm

Ijwbn95 wrote: [...] I felt so ashamed and guilty, angry, sad, and broken, because I couldn't get an erection. Jump 5 years and it still the case. [...]


I know the feeling and we've all been there before but there is nothing to be ashamed of and, believe me, this is easily treatable.
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Re: Never been able to have sex because of performance anxiety

Postby fouried96 » Sat Jan 02, 2021 9:19 pm

Flavio wrote:I've battled sexual performance anxiety for over 20 years and today I have a normal sex life. And if I could beat this curse, so can you.

A few tips that may be helpful:

a) Do A LOT of research on the subject of psychogenic ED. Read books (I recommend anything written by the brilliant urologist Tom F. Lue), talk to doctors, consult good websites. The more you know about sex, the less stressful it will be.

b) Go see a urologist. It's no shame to seek professional help and even if this is just psychological, a urologist will be able to help you.

c) It's perfectly normal to fail every now and then, that's not even ED and happens to all men.

d) I have a technique that is very effective: whenever I have a negative sexual experience, I abstain from sex for a long period of time (1 month, 2 months, whatever it takes), just to forget about it and clear my mind.

e) Make sure you are not taking any meds that may worsen ED (e.g. caffeine, antiandrogens, SSRIs, benzodiazepines)

f) A warm shower before sex can do wonders, it will relax you and widen the blood vessels that bring blood into the penis to form an erection

g) Oral meds may be helpful but they are a last resort solution and, again, you will have to consult a urologist and get a prescription.

Good luck and keep us posted on your progress.


Hi, could you please give me the name of the best book you've read regarding psychogenic ED. I suffer from this. I have tried going to a psychologist and doing meditation, taking viagra, cialis etc. but I still get too nervous with performance anxiety and cannot enjoy the moment with a girl.

Thanks
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Re: Never been able to have sex because of performance anxiety

Postby floatingtree » Sun Jan 03, 2021 10:40 am

If you watch porn or "sext" with people online, and that kind of thing, stop doing all those things immediately and you'll see improvement, but it may take some time (or it may resolve quickly, hopefully).

Stopping all masturbation for a while should speed up the process. But the main thing is to stop watching porn, even if you don't masturbate to it it can mess you up.
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Re: Never been able to have sex because of performance anxiety

Postby Snaga » Sun Jan 03, 2021 4:52 pm

^^ That. Not that I always practice what I preach, but I do believe the folks who claim that internet porn really screws with your real-life sex life, if you masturbate to it a lot.
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Re: Never been able to have sex because of performance anxiety

Postby floatingtree » Mon Jan 04, 2021 11:20 am

Yeah it really does mess with your sex life. The best thing is to just try to avoid it 100 per cent, and the same goes for adult chat rooms and other things like that.
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Re: Never been able to have sex because of performance anxiety

Postby Flavio » Tue Feb 23, 2021 12:53 pm

fouried96 wrote: [...] Hi, could you please give me the name of the best book you've read regarding psychogenic ED. I suffer from this. I have tried going to a psychologist and doing meditation, taking viagra, cialis etc. but I still get too nervous with performance anxiety and cannot enjoy the moment with a girl.

Thanks


There are so many books and studies on this subject, it's impossible to pinpoint only one. The wonderful urologist Tom F. Lue is my favorite author *mod edit*. A Patient's Guide to Male Sexual Dysfunction is a great place to start.
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