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Lost for an answer..

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Lost for an answer..

Postby Dogma » Fri Jun 19, 2009 11:33 pm

My mother (over 70) has my youngest brother living with her in a retirement home community.

He has a undiagnosed mental disability (or just lazy) and has not worked steadily in his entire adult life- my parents have always been there to save him from financial distress.

When our father died -the day of his passing my brother went into our father's bedroom room, threw all of our father's things to the side, moved in, and never left.

He does not contribute to my mother's limited income for which she has had to go out and seek part time work to compensate (I put money in her account bi-monthly) but it isn't enough for the food, electricity, and fines she accumulates from the retirement community fines for having a under 55 person living with her.

My brother openly violates the homeowner organization's rules with numerous cars he accumulates parked in front of her house, and when she is fined, he says it's not his problem.

He sleeps all day and stays up all night making noise and working on cars in her garage- he basically runs the house and has accumulated his junk everywhere.

He constantly starts home repairs and has disabled the bathroom and will not allow her to call a plumber nor have it rebuilt because of the damage he caused- she presently has to go to a public place down the street to use the bathroom.

She pays for a large storage bay that has his household things from his previous marriage in which he treated his wife in the same manner as he now treats our mother.

He belittles her with derogatory comments that she's losing her mind, and other public comments I won't post.

Recently, one of his two (under 12 years old) sons has moved in with them.

She is now raising his son, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes for the both of them, taking his son to school every morning, attending PTA meetings and other school functions with her grandchild- which my brother exploits at every chance- with no end in sight.

When she attempts to coax him to get out and get a place he yells at her and slams things around and she immediately backs down-a tactic he uses constantly to keep her in line- he constantly shouts about her place being a "ghetto."

She tries to get him to get on public assistance but he never makes the appointments- and when she tries to talk to him about it he starts yelling until she backs down.

When I challenge him on this he wants to fight and my mother starts crying and I back down- she says she doesn't want us to fight. (I live in another state)

He is the youngest son, and she feels it is her duty to look after him, and I'm at a loss on what to do!

If I report him it will cause great anguish to my mother if he is hauled away- and his son will probably be remanded to a foster home or with his mother far away in another state.

My mother has a heart condition and needs a calm life.

She doesn't want people to visit because the house is always a mess, and my brother tries to dominate any visitor.

She has told me all this personally, but is afraid of what my brother would do if he found out she told me.

I don't know what to do- my best hope is someone outside the circle will report her abuse and a DSHS or local police will investigate and take him out of there.

The abuse is obvious, and she has been conditioned to accept it- I can not.

Any suggestions on my next action?
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Re: Lost for an answer..

Postby jasmin » Sat Jun 20, 2009 3:28 pm

Dogma, do you think that she would get sick if you reported the abuse yourself? Maybe living like this is even worse for her and it can't be good for your nephew. Would his mother take good care of him? I'm sure your mom would miss him if he went back to live with his mother or someone else, but this situation is bad for her as well. You could call the police and say that you want to remain anonymous. Your brother is doing everything he can to control her and manipulate her and it's bad for her and it's also bad for his son to see it.
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Re: Lost for an answer..

Postby Dogma » Sun Jun 21, 2009 12:04 pm

I need to do something- she lives in Oregon which has a very strict senior abuse policy like mandatory reporting.

I have a email to a senior rights organization in her hometown- I wish there was a way I could make it look like anyone could have reported it- the result will be disastrous to her health- she basically lives to be with her Grandkids since dad died, and in a bizarre way we think that mission is what's keeping her going.

I just talked to her tonight- she has to go to the bathroom before she leaves work- and take her Grandson somewhere in the morning to go to the restroom because my brother is usually asleep until noon.

I sent her some extra money to get a plumber but he had a tirade that she would dare call anyone when he'll get to it sometime- he also disabled her pc so she can't email friends and yelled at her because she got on the provider helpline to reconnect it.

I told her he has to go now- and she has agreed.

If he is arrested though, she will post his bail with any money she has...

I have three other brothers but they refuse to get involved- I will try to solicit their help one more time....

Rock and a hard place.

I'm sure I'm not the only one in this type of predicament.

Thanks for your suggestions- brainstorming always helps...
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Re: Lost for an answer..

Postby jasmin » Sun Jun 21, 2009 2:15 pm

What does the rest of your nephew's family think of this? What would happen if you told them?
You could call from a public phone and report it, saying you're someone who has seen what she and her grandchild are going through but you don't want to say who you are and you don't know the family that well.
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