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just another day in the life..

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just another day in the life..

Postby DarkPuppy » Fri Aug 27, 2010 2:49 pm

hello all.

New to this site, but not new to depression, I was diagnosed over 7 years ago with Dysthymia. After two sessions with my therapist, she was able to deduce this, and there have been times that I have second guessed it. However I have read here and elsewhere that depressive disorders can co-exist with other disorders, and just the fact that living with this for so many years one can create ways to deal with it, or not depending on the cycle, but it would help to explain why some of the symptoms just don't add up.

OR maybe my therapist was wrong, I don't dispute that. Really one could get a headache researching just the depressive disorders alone and trying to figure out which one suits you, because there seems to be comfort in labeling one's problems with a reasonable name.

But to what degree? Everyone has a level of whatever, from allergies to pain threshold, just depends on genetic makeup. So I don't dispute either that many have had, and will have worse problems than I'll ever have. Which brings little comfort, in the off season I call it.

Basically I go through cycles.. Which I thought meant I was bi-polar. But I don't have the high spirited energy highs that has been spoken of. I am for the most part in control of my actions, just never the mood. My highs I guess amount to me just being generally happy. Because I can spend anywhere from a couple days, to a week feeling down, thoughts of suicide and how people will react to me being gone, extreme antisocial attitude, feelings of regret of things done, likewise regret for not doing enough, disinterest in most everything, and overall a feeling of doom and uncertainty that anything will work out for the better. When I come out of this, I can often be angry at first, just edgy and quick to snap at people or say things to people that either hurt them or work to get them away from me. Anger isn't always the case, sometimes I find myself just going straight into normal mode I call it, where I am happy enough to have broken free from the cage and ready to get back to just being me. I can be humorous, I mimic people's voices, sing, even off key, goofy songs or whatever but in a joking way as to make people laugh, and also very creative as far as writing and graphic arts goes. Sexually I can be very animalistic and craving, because during the down time I just don't really enjoy it as much. I don't have any problem sleeping, never had insomnia for any length of time, probably a dozen times or so in my 35 years I have had a bad night trying to get to sleep but that's about it. Usually just explained by being nervous about the next day, or anticipation of an event or possible reaction to something done. My "norm" can last anywhere from a few weeks to 2 months. Some characteristics are always with me, whether normal or depressed, I am generally a lonely antisocial person. I view a lot of people as temporary friends, even people I've know for years. I just disappear from their lives for a while and come back whenever, and I'm sure they wonder why but not many of them have called me on it. One person on here I read that they are the loneliest when they are with people.. I couldn't agree more! Usually I am better talking one on one with a person, like I can really connect with them. But you get 3 or more people in the room at the same time, I'll be the one completely silent listening to everyone else, which eventually sparks up the old low self esteem to feel like I don't fit in with them and they'll never understand what I'm thinking. Not that I tell them, because I hate pity, and last thing I need is people always walking up saying how do you feel today can I do anything? Really don't like being reminded and thought of to people as a basket case, I can beat myself up enough on my own. Anyone can't argue with the fact that society (in general) doesn't like to be around people with problems, and can be cruel sometimes about it. Digressing, being around people can sometimes be worse, because afterward I feel isolated from them, in that I'll never fit in, didn't talk enough, etc.. So making myself be social doesn't really do much for me. That rush of getting off the couch, putting down the Xbox controller or computer whatever and leaving my house to go see what others are doing really only last a few hours, then I find myself looking for an exit strategy.

My temporary friend strategy works well, for my job. I see and can joke or socialize with people at the workplace but I do know that after clocking out I really don't care to know them anymore. And in this disorder I can't help but ask a great question to which I have no answer... Why is it that I hate being lonely, but work so naturally hard to be lonely? ugh.

My family on my dad's side has a history of depression and my dad has PTSD from Vietnam but before he even went to Vietnam he was always "weird" and those symptoms of "weird" was diagnosed by my step-grandfather who was a drug and alcohol counselor for the state, as a mild paranoid schizophrenic. I know many times these things can be passed down, and it certainly doesn't help being raised by someone who suffers anything. My dad was always angry, usually yelling about something to the point of top of the lungs screaming mad, throwing things, and before I was born he was on occasion physically abusive to my mother. He is always thinking someone's out to get him, or making fun of him, and extremely quick tempered. Twice he attempted suicide with a gun but was found by coworkers while he was "contemplating it" with weapon in hand.

But anyways.. This is my story as I know there are a lot of them here, but reading them as a few of you read this and suffer as I do can relate to these issues. I find myself a huge student of psychology even though I never went to college for it, but I'm always helping friends cope with their problems.. I've been complimented on my insight many times, even my therapist told me I should consider a career in psychiatry because in our sessions I could talk in depth about everything I was feeling, why, and able to convey all that to her backed by understanding of how the mind works.. Funny though how I can be this way but not able to help myself.

if anyone's wondering.. I'm currently in my norm stage, have been for about a week. thanks for reading.

-Darkpup
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Re: just another day in the life..

Postby jasmin » Fri Sep 03, 2010 6:10 pm

Hi, DarkPuppy! My depression or whatever it is seems to move in cycles too. I'll be fine for a few weeks and then slowly get sadder up to the point where I don't know if I'll feel better again and then I'll just feel normal. I also get a couple of months a year when I feel very low, usually when autumn comes. I also sabotage myself and I feel anxious about any kind of relationship with someone I haven't known for a long time.
Maybe you were emotionally abused while growing up and made to doubt yourself constantly, like I was.
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Re: just another day in the life..

Postby DarkPuppy » Sat Sep 04, 2010 5:53 pm

Yea.. emotionally abused to the point that it became the rest of my life. Seems weird that although I've been away from all that for 18+ years, I still can't adjust to doing better. All that's gone really is the constant stress of being around someone who was so volatile. That feeling of having to walk on eggshells to avoid a person's sudden rage, and the feeling that I couldn't even enjoy myself in the house because sooner or later I'd hear arguments or just a person screaming and yelling over probably nothing.. but enough to make everyone else tense. Hell I just saw my dad in the hospital the other day since he burned himself badly over a grease fire.. but saw him sitting there all bandaged up and getting ready to get pissed off since they wouldn't let him have chewing tobacco and he's ready for a fix. Still being around him makes me on edge.. and he wonders why I ignore him for 6 months in between emails.

I've heard of seasonal affective disorder where you get depressed at certain times of the year, usually around winter months.. I can't say that is my case, as my darkness just comes and goes as it pleases. I might just have barometric affective disorder, where a high pressure system rolls in and balances the scales in either direction of sanity. :roll:

I've been contemplating going back to therapy.. I certainly hated taking pills though. Effexor was okay at first don't really think it helped me after 2 years of taking it .. Paxil made me a zombie without a sex drive.. can't say it really helped balance me out either, I think it made me just not care whether I was depressed or not.
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Re: just another day in the life..

Postby jasmin » Sun Sep 05, 2010 11:51 am

Oh, it's awful that your father acted like that and put you through so much. Maybe if you find a decent therapist, they'll be able to help without using meds, at least for a while.
I'm not sure what I have either, to be honest.
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Re: just another day in the life..

Postby pepe7382 » Tue Nov 29, 2011 1:55 pm

Any changes? Its been more than a year now...
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Re: just another day in the life..

Postby forgetfulauren » Wed Feb 29, 2012 7:10 am

ok, yeah this is the one i meant to post that other post on. still doesnt matter though i know....

Lauren
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Re: just another day in the life..

Postby DarkPuppy » Tue Sep 08, 2015 4:53 pm

well it's been 5 years.. I've made some significant success, and had many fails, I do feel better and do not experience the low lows thanks to Prozac. Which is great because feeling suicidal just about every week or so really gets old. Now it's about once every 3-4 months. And it never last more than a few hours.

I finally got myself back in to therapy in early 2014. I haven't been back in months as I suddenly quit going, I'll get into that later, but with the combination of meds and some cognitive therapy I made a lot of changes that at least have made me feel a little more alive than I ever felt. I can't say that I'm cured by any means, I still feel trapped by this disorder and lots of my social and relationship problems not to mention motivation are still poor. Some things that helped me are the following:

1. Dr Phil - Life Strategies: Doing What Works, Doing What Matters . Whether you think you'll like Dr Phil or not , because I didn't think I would, this book made me wake up a little bit and rethink my thinking processes. I not only got the book, but I also go the book on CD, because my concentration for being able to read kinda sucks. So I listened to this cd in my car on my way to work, or just any long drive until I heard it all several times.

2. Diet and Exercise... which I need to get back into.. But for many months I turned on my old Xbox with Kinect and played World's Biggest Loser for about 30-40 minutes 2-3 times a week, and ate an Atkins style high protien low carb diet. Feeling a little more energetic and losing about 40 lbs makes for an incredible feeling as opposed to feeling sorry for oneself and snacking for hours in front of video games or internet or tv before going to bed and getting back up for work.

3. Therapy. An hour a day every 2 weeks getting my past off my chest and working to rid myself of negativity. People I cannot stress enough how negativity is one of the most debilitating factors in depression. Worse yet, it's all around us whether we generate it or not. There's always that co worker or friend who's all to willing to complain and bitch about work, life, or other people that have you right along side them complaining too. One negative thought or emotion can spiral you into hours of "I don't wanna". For all you Star Wars geeks let me relate by saying "Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny". Cheesy as it may be, it's true. When you begin to cut out a lot of negativity, you start to see a lot more interesting things in life to be a part of. Not to mention more willing and able to participate in, because before it was really easy to say this sucks and walk away before anything got started. I stated earlier that I wasn't going to therapy anymore, and basically it's just because I felt like for the last several months I went I wasn't really getting much out of it anymore. I had some basic tools that made me feel better than I'd ever felt, and was ready to try it on my own. I'm not afraid to go back someday if I need to.. but for now I'll save some money and not go.

I am still working on relationship problems with my wife, and I am a far cry from leaving my house to go hang out with friends or people I could become good friends with.

And if it makes sense, it's easier to feel as if I'll just have to live with Dysthymia forever, rather than feeling I can be cured from it. Because there may never really be a cure, so why stress over it. Take it one day at a time.
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Re: just another day in the life..

Postby RadarOReilly2-0 » Thu Sep 17, 2015 11:00 pm

Your point about diet and exercise... it's true! I wanted this year to be "the year" that I lose 60 pounds, and while I won't likely make that goal by year's end, I have lost 35 pounds since January 1. I have also been exercising a lot more regularly and eating in a more healthy manner. I feel that those things, and seeing a therapist once per month, have REALLY REALLY helped me this year.
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Re: just another day in the life..

Postby DarkPuppy » Fri Sep 18, 2015 1:04 pm

that's awesome! I need to get back into the groove of all that. Motivation never was a strong suit of mine.
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