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There's No 'Better'

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There's No 'Better'

Postby Misanthropist » Wed Dec 27, 2017 8:19 am

I've had a cocktail of Dysthymia dipping down into full on Major Depression with an added dose of Avoidant Personality Disorder for as long as I can remember. As I'm nearly entering my 4th decade, it's worsening to levels that are considered 'problematic'.

My wife has prodded me enough times that I've sought some sort of 'treatment', insofar as it stops her from going on about it.

Thing is, with the Meds I've been put on, and single session with a Therapist, I don't forsee this getting better. I've always been even-keeled to a fault. I've been told I'm robotic by the ex-wife when things were splitting up. Made sense at the time, but I'd honestly never thought about it until then.

I've no friends. Barely any family beyond my wife and Daughter. They're happy and into life as a whole. I'm kind of done with it. My professional career never launched, as I've always done blue collar nonsense jobs. When I figured out what I wanted to do as a career, it was far too late to begin it as certain specifications in a person must be met in order to become a member of that career. So even though my wife and daughter are happy, I've begun to hate life more than usual.

My disdain for people seems to intensify daily. My self-loathing and zero self-esteem has permeated all parts of my psyche. The negativity I feel towards myself and others is all encompassing. I was asked by both my GP and Therapist, 'What do you enjoy doing?' and I had no answer. They then asked 'What do you find joy in?' and I once again was at a loss for words.

My wife is steadfast that things will improve. I, naturally, think the opposite. Some don't get better. Some don't improve. Some live a long life just being negative. Too often having walked into new situations with the best of intentions and positive mindset, and have thing after thing just not working out.

I should just delete this entire post. Waste of time. Though vomiting it out tends to relieve a small amount of the pressure.

I don't think there's a 'better'. Just a plain, white, oatmeal of a life. As far as I can see, in every direction.
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Re: There's No 'Better'

Postby Wally58 » Thu Dec 28, 2017 12:46 pm

Welcome. I think that by sharing what is bothering us may be the only way to seek and find answers that might work for us.
You don't mention your medications, but they don't seem to be helping, or are they? There are many alternatives that may help.
Don't base anything on a single therapy session. It took us 2 years of therapy to find a good combination of meds and dosage until I stabilized.
The meds help, but aren't the whole answer either. Other things have to change as well. Sometimes everything has to change.
I could not find the answer to my depression from within. I searched for many years and tried different jobs, different hobbies, different people and different environments, but I wasn't happy.
Part of it was my attitude and 'expectations'. That had to change.
It did change suddenly when I found myself in a life-threatening situation and my outlook went from hopelessness to hopefulness after I survived it.
We all have ordeals to contend with sooner or later. Mine turned out to be my epiphany.
You can't just 'make' these things happen. They are given to us. God watches what we do with them and I'm not the same person I once was, thank goodness.
I am blue-collar and proud of what I can accomplish. I don't have a degree or make big money. I have people at work that drive a nice car and have a nice house. I also see people who have nothing but gratitude for what they do have.
I donate to charity so that others may eat. I am kind to children and animals. Doing this gets me out of myself and my misery. My mind can be a bad neighborhood that I need to get out of sometimes. I strive to be honest.
The only time I got held back in self-improvement was really my own doing. It is the simple things we give that move us forward and upward, not the big things. You have to give it away in order to keep it.
Maybe try an Emotions Anonymous (EA) 12-step meeting in your area? Join a diverse group with similar goals as yours for possible answers? We are all looking for 'Better' and there is power in numbers. Bring it up as an excellent (I think) topic.
If you don't have the answer, someone else might. You can introduce yourself by your first name, if you like or just say that you are there to listen.
Best of luck to you. :D
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Re: There's No 'Better'

Postby Misanthropist » Wed Mar 07, 2018 5:06 am

I was on Fetzima for a month, and it did nothing. Now I'm on some drug that has a name that could have every letter in the alphabet in it. I've been to an even dozen therapy sessions now, and that did zero. The 'advice' I was given was nonsense. I've no current plans to go to another therapist, as the one I went to came highly recommended. Waste of time.

I'll most likely throw in the towel with Ach-Escitalopram once the script expires also. Still think I'm on sugar pills. No change thus far. Though I must admit, and my spouse is not a fan, having a few drinks on the really hard days helps. Kudos to my parents for instilling that 'medication through substances' as a viable method for leveling the playing field of ones mind, so to speak. Child's asleep? Check. House is calm? Check. Nothing happening? Check. Bust out a bottle and have a few. Thumbs up.

Things are just an odd $#%^ cocktail, day in and day out. No bright spots beyond the 1 or 2. My child is happy and healthy. My marriage is sound. And that's about it. No prospects in terms of a career. No friends to speak of, as I still loathe people in general. I'm essentially a shell of a person with nothing happening as I just polished off decade #4.

I'm beginning to think I'm comfortable this way. Just a malaise, with a side of apathy, and utter contempt for all I lay eyes on, save my child. I'm unsure if I've any interest in getting 'better', given the above I've babble out via type. I'm as close to an island of a person as I can get. Beyond incessant negative outlook on myself and the world around me, and idle thoughts of Death on a daily basis, it's comforting in an odd way.

As I stare at this very page, I see the emoticon of :roll: and am going to shut my yap and have another drink, as I'm embarrassing myself at this point.
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Re: There's No 'Better'

Postby cyisfor » Sat Feb 08, 2020 12:27 am

It does suck that your career never launched. Your parents, teachers and others should've been better at teaching you how to make those decisions early on. It does seem like you're not likely to find much reward in employment, given what you've been working at. Might just be a necessary evil, something to be minimized while you pursue other things.

Do you have to be worthwhile? I mean, my career never took off, and I never even had a chance at a wife and kids, but when I look in the mirror I see a person. I don't see anything hugely wrong with me, that other people don't have. Just the terrible combination of bad circumstances and incompetence, but I don't think poorly of myself for being incompetent at certain things. Sure it'd be nice if I was competent at certain things, but it'd not like I'm doing anything wrong by not trying to do what I just can't do. I'm worthless, and so is this desk, and so is Jennifer Doudna. We're all just... here, and there's no reason we shouldn't be.

I don't know if it helps, but when life sucks, you might feel like you can't allow yourself to enjoy things, because it would invalidate all that suck that you claim to exist. Well, I'll tell you right now that you have permission to enjoy things, and also complain about the terrible direction your life seems to be going. You are still fully justified in your dissatisfaction, even if certain aspects of it are pleasurable at times.

It still sucks that you can't do what you want to do. Ever read "Death of a Salesman?" I don't recommend it, but it's an interesting story to talk about. Basically it's about a salesman who hates being a salesman, didn't achieve his dreams, and has no chance at youthful adventure, so he... you know. At the funeral, his wife's so distraught and I remember what she said. She said, "I don't understand. We paid off the house!"

So... feel free to not appreciate the same things other people do. And it's not like you're gonna be 20 again, but you still might as well stick around to see if there's still anything interesting you can do. Not like you're going to be any less dead at 200 than if you died at 40. Now go have sex with your wife, because you're allowed to enjoy it, without having to deny that your life sucks.
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