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Guilt? / Memory?

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Guilt? / Memory?

Postby goodmystery » Thu Nov 16, 2017 5:58 pm

Hi, I am new here I thought I posted a message but cant find it now. I will not go into as much detail in this as the last one. Anyone avoid critical family members in my case my mother but feel guilty about it? I have a good mother but she can be critical and she has a way of saying things that really have negative effects on me. However, I am 47 and she is 77. I feel guilty for avoiding her. So I am damned if I do damned if I don't situation here I guess. Just wondered if others struggled with this?
I am very familiar with depression been on antidepressants since 20s but nothing worked until I finally found Wellbutrin. However, been on it so long its not effective like is was before. I lost my job for the dumbest thing ever and it took a hit to my self esteem I guess. I think I have been bordering into major depression like I got into when I went through divorce. Its not as bad as it was then but noticed I am having a hard time remembering things. Like talking I will forget words, names of people, even my own dogs name! Scares me to think I am getting like early Alzheimers. Anyone of memory issues dealing with dysthymia? Thanks!
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Re: Guilt? / Memory?

Postby goodmystery » Sat Nov 18, 2017 7:49 pm

I am responding to my own post here. I am new and when I did not see my first post about guilt and blaming my mother I posted this one. I did not realize there was a delay in seeing my post. Anyway, at the time and for a long time I have had issues with my mother. She picks me apart. An example, in front of my first husband and before I was married she said to me "You need to lose 10 lbs". Okay, for some they could possibly blow that off. For me and I now see with my issues of this low grade depression, low self esteem. It was like a body blow. Also, its been like 30 years since it happened and I can remember it like it was yesterday! I was actually skinny back then too. If only I could be that weight now. Oh, and by the way she said that without even saying hello to me. It was the first thing she said when I walked up. Okay, now I can give you plenty more example over the years probably hundreds. So, hopefully that will give you an idea of why I would try to avoid her to avoid feeling worse about myself, doubting myself and going into a deeper depression. I do not believe she caused my dysthymia. I actually think it comes from my dad genetically. He was a depressed alcoholic when I was growing up. I just think my mom made it worse. I blamed her all these years for my problems until I was told I had this dysthymia. I don't blame her anymore however I do feel guilty for not seeing her with her at the age she is right now. So, bottom line I am not getting relief my brain needs. Don't want the deeper depression or the guilt. Not sure what to do. With the holidays coming up guess I will suck it up and take it whatever she says. Let her know that just makes me feel worse then leave with a smile on my face like nothings wrong. Then go home and cry. Same thing over and over. I just got to figure a way to handle it better. Just wish I knew how. Wow, Said that many times too. Trapped in a loop it seems. Welcome to my life.
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Re: Guilt? / Memory?

Postby Holodeck » Sat Nov 18, 2017 8:29 pm

My mom does similar stuff. My dad has depression issues too. I forgive her due to knowing why she is the way she is, but I do know she gas-lighted both my dad and myself a bunch growing up (basically making us feel guilty for not doing things so she would have it easy and claiming we "take advantage" of her and "don't appreciate all" she does for us. She'd cry a bunch, and even threaten to kill herself from time to time.

I haven't been around her in person for years due to this over-dramatic behavior. I distract myself from the guilt...normally by cleaning a lot while watching a movie. Any time I argued with her over something I didn't want to do she'd claim it was depression that I got from my dad. Things got much better when I moved out of state and away from her.
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Re: Guilt? / Memory?

Postby goodmystery » Sat Nov 18, 2017 10:54 pm

Thanks for the reply. Interesting you say you moved out of state. I have been having day dreams of moving out of state. I have often thought it would make my relationship better in a way with her. I don't really know if it would but honestly sometimes wish I could just pull up stakes and run. Just get away from everything around me. Its not possible for me to do it for so many reasons to list right now. However I do think about it. Your mom threatening to kill herself was seriously way too much to put on a kid. Sorry that happened to you. My mom never went that far. She is overly dramatic and seems to love putting guilt trips on people. Especially me. Hey, maybe thats where I am getting this guilty feeling from I am trying to shake. I love my mom, she would be there for me if I needed her and sometimes I think what she does is on purpose but think for most part she cant help herself. Does not make the criticism any easier to take though. Thanks again for the reply.
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