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Unsure if it's my fault

Open Discussions About Domestic Abuse.

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Unsure if it's my fault

Postby crustkitty » Wed Jan 26, 2022 10:29 pm

I met my boyfriend who've I've been in a LDR with for over a year. We have had issues before where he's been manipulative and cut me off from my friends, made threats ect but when i finally tried to leave him for good he begged and begged and said he'd change and i still loved him so i went back. and he did genuinely change this time unlike other times, so i felt comfortable meeting him.

he likes to slap me around sorta playfully which i didnt think too much of at first. we had to stop having sex because it became too painful to me but one night he said im just going to have to "take it". i tried to get him to stop and when he finally did i went to the bathroom and i was bleeding and it didnt stop for a while.

ive been off my medication and more prone to having outbursts, but he doesnt let me get away from him when i need to so i can calm down. he doesnt want me to leave his sight. so the day after that sexual encounter i was begining to have a meltdown and i wanted to get away from him. he blocked the door and tried to grab me so i was trying to get past him and get him off me and i yelled. but yelling made him snap and he grabbed my throat and told me he'd "end me" and threw me on the bed and got on top of me while one hand choked me and the other covered my mouth and nose and i couldnt breath at all. my arms were pinned under his legs so i couldjy try to get him off me. i genuinely thought he was going to kill me. after he let go of me i tried to text my mom i wanted to go home but he took my phone and wouldnt give it back so i couldnt get help.

i was crying bad and gasping for breath and for a moment he kept telling me to shut up and if i made another sound he'd hurt me again. but then he tried to comfort me and apologized and said he didnt mean to grab me so hard and that he loves me. the emotion from that event has come in waves for me and ive been trying to hide it from him because he loves to invalidate how i feel. i just dont know if i should blame myself for it, hes made threats against me in the past and been generally manipulative and it was stupid for me to believe he changed, and even though he was provoking me more than i described i still feel like i can only blame myself. im still at his house for a few more days and he isnt going to let me leave and honestly im unsure if he'll even bring me to the airport for my flight when the time comes.

i have nobody i can talk to about this so im posting it here in hopes i can have some help because im inusre what to do.
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Re: Unsure if it's my fault

Postby Terry E. » Thu Jan 27, 2022 6:10 pm

I am very sorry you are here. No one wants to come here, but glad you did. If you had put around 1/3rd of that in your post, whether from the top or bottom, I would say the same, leave him as soon as you can without putting yourself in danger. He is a bad one, and about as bad as they come.

Coercive behaviour is a crime now in Australia and many other countries but rape has been a crime for a while, and I think what you described qualifies.

Can you go back to your parents for a while. I am guessing he may not take this well, so it could be rough, maybe touch base with police and see what measures you should take. (maybe a rape crisis centre - to see if they have some guidelines for you)

Finally you need to cut him off emotionally. He does not love you, he needs you for his own needs and really does not care about you. (great father material I think not). No matter how sweet he is, how he will change, how much he loves you, ... he has no idea what it is.
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Re: Unsure if it's my fault

Postby crustkitty » Thu Jan 27, 2022 11:17 pm

i did try to leave early last night and it didnt go well. i was on the phone with my dad thinking i'd be safer but he still punched me, ripped my dress and dragged me inside to throw me around. i fell and sprained my foot bad but thats feeling a little better. at one point he shoved his gun so far down my throat i gagged and his finger was on the trigger and he knows how bad that scares me to be around.

he made threats of taking me out to the barn to beat me up or put a bullet between my eyes. then it was "im sorry baby i shouldnt have done that i love you youre safest with me" with a lot of kisses. i could barely speak but i could only whimper out apologies to clam him down. today hes been acting different. almost happier and more energetic and his sex drive has been through the roof. we havent argued but idk if im burying my emotions or if im just not 100% in the real world to face them.

i have 3 days left until i get to go home at least. theres no chance i can get home ealry and im not risking it again. i feel stupid for thinking he really did change. his father is this exact same way to his step mom. but once im home i can get away from him unless he drives a couple states over to get me which hes tried before but his friends talked him out of it. i do have peace of mind in the fact that my dad owns guns and is willing to protect me if needed because me and him have a great relationship.
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Re: Unsure if it's my fault

Postby Terry E. » Fri Jan 28, 2022 8:56 pm

I have been quite worried about you. Take it easy keep doing what you are doing, don't react, stay emotionally detached, leave as planned. Try and play him along.

When you get safe, let your dad know how scary he is but ask only that he protect you, not confront him. Also be prepared to involve your local police at your home. I suggest an enquiry as to what are the procedures you need to do if he follows you and is armed and threatening. Tell them you were raped (and I am guessing not vaginally) which is what you described and he threatened to beat you in the barn and put a gun in your mouth. You are not interested in having him charged all you want is to be safe and move on.

You are actually handling this very well. Be careful.

Please let us know when you are safe.
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