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I Miss my Abusive/Mentally Ill Mother

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I Miss my Abusive/Mentally Ill Mother

Postby Tryin2heal » Tue Sep 25, 2018 1:27 am

Quick background: I realize today that although well-regarded and very intelligent, my mother is somewhat mentally ill. She is narcissist and her mother was too, but not to me. My father felt stuck and projected all his anger towards my mother onto me (I was scapegoated). My mother joined him in this. I was 13.

I got well when I was 43. They and everyone just sort of had to accept this. I wasn’t aware yet of what I said above but I had uncovered a lot of memories. I just hadn’t connected the dots fully nor did I have the language for all of this I have today.
Then I got involved with a narcissist sociopath guy who was on the same level of abuse my parents were. This guy had killed someone in his past. I didn’t mean to be involved with him, it happened so I could see who my parents were (subconscious, no selectivity etc.).

The guy abused me and everyone turned on me because they saw I had been growing.
I ended up with a severe, quick C-PTSD and was down for the count.

I found myself (gulp) under my parents’ control because I couldn’t work.
For eight years they abused me mentally and triangulated anyone in my personal life they could (landlords, etc) into abusing me so I couldn’t have a decent place to live and so I would be as physically sick as possible (I had physical illness from the C-PTSD).

Miraculously, 7 months ago I got out.
With almost nothing I moved to another state.
It hasn’t been easy. At all. But I’ve made friends. And I’m working part time. But I’m still very physically sick. I feel I have to grieve.

My dilemma: I miss my mother terribly. I know that on some level she’s dumbfounded about what happened. She and my father were in an obsession to kill me. Like a blackout. But I feel my father was and is more conscious about what he did. Still, I don’t want any horrible thing to befall him either, even though I can tell he’s desperate for N supply...he’s tried to needle me through LinkedIn if you can believe it (talk about immature).

All I have to do is look at one of the many gaslighting, joyful to them emails they sent me over the past eight years tonremembe that when I was in it, I SWORE I’d tell everyone who they really are. But I don’t look at them because I don’t see the use, they’re too painful, and all I know is I miss my mom.

Don’t know what to do.

Any experience you can share would be great to read.
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