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Am I crazy? Am I abusive like he says? Or is he abusing me?

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Am I crazy? Am I abusive like he says? Or is he abusing me?

Postby WhenisitEnough » Sat Aug 18, 2018 2:03 am

I don't know what to do anymore...I have Borderline personality disorder that is in remission (if that is possible). I have worked very hard to change how I view things and relationships in my life, I have worked hard to be able to stop running away from my problems...
The issue is that my husband has some sort of mental illness too...he seems to think he can control everything about me, but then he can't control himself. I often misunderstand things he says and when I ask for clarity we miscommunicate and he gets really angry. If I tell him I need some time to think and that it isn't a good time to talk when we are both angry, he just continues talking. Then when I leave the room to get away from him and think, he loses it completely and starts threatening to kill himself. This has happened a few times this week and it's exhausting...I have been the one to end the fight by dropping my issue and hugging him and changing the subject. Today, he went to a counselling session (the counselling sessions always end up bringing up all these issues where he will blow up at me over something usually insignificant) and then he got home I was talking to him about a friend of mine and how I was upset with her, and I made a face apparently and he said "Stop that! you look so stupid when you make that face!". I was surprised at the sudden anger and verbal abuse, so I stopped talking. He started by saying "See, I am finally in a place where I can tell you my feelings and you do a face like that". I was very confused and hurt at the comment, so I said now wouldn't be the best time to talk...and he went off. He was yelling that I never let him express his feelings and that when he tries I say its not a good time. I tried to tell him that if he had expressed them in a separate conversation and in a respectful manner, the conversation would have been fine. Then he told me he wanted the marriage to be over...I was stunned so I said OK and that triggered him too. He started following me around the house crying and yelling at me, so I went to pack a suitcase and get out of there (after many similar incidents starting this way and ending badly). He continued following me, getting more and more unhinged, saying things like "You should go kill yourself, you are such a waste of space", "I have wasted 6 years on a worthless human being (meaning me)", "You have made me swallow all my emotions for six years and now finally I can open up to you and you leave". It didn't seem to register that I was leaving because of the erratic and abusive behavior, not him opening up to me. Finally, after I calmly tried to tell him that the way he was going about things was inappropriate and unacceptable, he got in our car and told me I would never see him again. This was after he tried to block my path, called me a leech for trying to go to a hotel, and after him smashing huge holes in the walls of our home. He still is saying this is all my fault and that I am being abusive when I try to leave him in these situations and I don't even know anymore. He is so wonderful most of the time...and then there are these things. How can he go from being my biggest support to trying to get me to kill myself? He knows that I have a shaky sense of self due to my borderline and one time when he said that to me I actually did try to kill myself. Then he got to be the hero and save me from myself. My head is so ###$ I can't think straight...I know I shouldn't threaten to leave over minor things, but then major things happen and I think leaving is the healthy thing. I don't want to give up my entire life here...but he doesn't seem to be getting better, only worse.
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Re: Am I crazy? Am I abusive like he says? Or is he abusing me?

Postby avatar123 » Thu Sep 06, 2018 1:12 pm

Sorry you are going through this. He sounds like he definitely has issues and needs counseling. But it's possible his representation to his councilor is that you are the problem, so that gets reflected back to him in terms of support. Then he comes home to you and basically wants it to be true, he wants to blame you and have you accept it, so he can feel it really is true.

That is a tough situation, if he refuses to accept responsibility for his behavior, and blames you instead, then meaningful progress may be doubtful. It's become a cliché, but AA meetings always begin with "my name is ______ and I'm an alcoholic". Seems obvious but it serves the critical purpose of taking denial off the table. Change can't occur in the presence of denial.

You might write a letter and give it to his councilor, explainning your side and what he does after sessions. The councilor cannot discuss it with you due to confidentiality, but you could make him/her aware. Or better yet, you could ask for joint counseling (as in couples counciling), that has the advantage of neither side being able to misrepresent things.

In the absence of a way to make progress, you have to decide if it's worth putting up with his occasional bad behavior. It's a big trade-off, your happiness in return for partial stability. Maybe his willingness to work on this together with you, would be the best indicator of what is best for you moving forward.
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