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I really need help letting go of this anger

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I really need help letting go of this anger

Postby Wishitaway » Wed Jun 06, 2018 9:10 pm

Hi,
At the age of thirteen I met my "teenage sweetheart", he was three years older than me and I thought he was amazing. He was odd and funny and older, I thought I was "cool". I was so naive, so stupidly naive.
The relationship moved quick, doing things no thirteen year old should but I did.
I remember the first time he laid hands on me, he strangled me, it wasn;t to hard, I could just about breathe. He stopped quickly but I was shocked. He "blacked out", which I learned later was all just a lie so he could get away with anything. I didn't have the best upbringing, I didn't expierience a lot of love and I was so desperate for it,I just thought whatever.

From that point onward it got worse, I dolled myself up, like any other typical teenager meeting with their boyfriend however he greeted me by telling me I looked like a prostitute. I laughed it off but as soon as I got home, I scrubbed my face clean and cried. I had my nose pierced and I loved it, I loved my piercing but apparently this made me look chavy, he punched me in the side of the head and told me to remove the piercing or he would do it myself. You can just guess what happened next, it was clothes, hair, make up, just a complete different person.

I no longer had friends because he would physically punish me for it. At fifteen I fell pregnant, I decided to keep my daughter, he was adamant on abortion. I refused and I am so pleased, she really was the light to this horrible dark story.

He raped me three weeks after she was born, the abuse got worse but for my daughters sake I was lucky and I got out.

I now have an amazing partner who I plan on marrying, I have three children, I am a uni student and I was doing so well with my life but I have this overwhelming anger towards him. I have to see him weekly so he can see his daughter. I hate that he took my teenage years away by abusing me in every way possible. I have so much hate and I want it to go but I don't know how. I self harm because I'm so angry at myself for having such little confidence in myself, for letting it happen. I am not a stupid girl, I knew it was wrong but I was so desperate to be loved. I hate how he gets to walk around with absolutely no side effects and yet here I am years later, filled with raged that I can't get rid of. I am going through cbt and dbt for my eupd but I don't think that will cover this area. Please tell me there is a way to stop this hate. I don't want it, I want to forget it ever happened. It's done, my life is perfect and yet I'm so angry.
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Re: I really need help letting go of this anger

Postby Terry E. » Fri Jun 08, 2018 2:08 am

Gee ..I would love to say it goes away but if you are lucky it is replaced with no feelings for them at all. You did not say how old your daughter is. I am guessing the visits continue for a few more years.

Try and give your self something positive on those visiting days, to balance the negative.

Do you think he is trying to manipulate your daughter to make you out the bad guy ?

Has she ever seen this controlling side of him ??

Does she get on well with her siblings ??

Are you anxious about the effect he may have on her ?

Any of the above may reinforce that anger. Managing them as issues can and will give you more control over it.

I wish I could do more.
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Re: I really need help letting go of this anger

Postby Lizzie288 » Sun Jul 08, 2018 12:58 pm

Perhaps look into Emotional based or Energy Healing.

I use a meditation that helps me process traumatic emotions in my body and release them and then receive wisdom and unconditional love from a Higher Power. I have read that a person will carry emotions in their body and they need to release these.

Perhaps you could look into volunteering to support others who have been in your situation. See how you are not alone in your experience of brokeness in the world.

Another thing to perhaps look into is a spiritual perspective on abusers. Many spiritual teachings will teach that the abuser is usually much more damaged than the abused person could be. That they are trying to pass their pain onto someone else. That doing that comes from being psychologically desparate. You would probably never act in a similar mode to another person even despite having a lot of anger. So even though he tried to pass on his problems, he did not succeed.
Your anger is probably a good thing, since you should feel angry that anyone would treat another person in such a way.

You can do your best to process it emotionally with emotion based therapies (that I heard are best). And with what is left, try to bring meaning to the meaninglessness of it by fighting to protect others in similar situations perhaps. That way the last nail on the coffin of his attempt trying to make you into a victim will be in. -And you can send a F-you you failed a-hole!" his way for attempting to use being physically bigger and older as a way of controlling you.
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Re: I really need help letting go of this anger

Postby thegentlepath » Sun Jul 08, 2018 1:48 pm

You might find a support group for survivors of domestic violence helpful.
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