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Am I an abusive person ? Please advise. *may trigger*

Open Discussions About Domestic Abuse.

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Am I an abusive person ? Please advise. *may trigger*

Postby Enigma1986 » Sat May 26, 2018 6:31 pm

I've never used any support group or any kind of service like this so I'm not really sure what to expect.

I'm a 31 male living in UK. About a year ago I met someone while I was on holiday. At the time I was a very happy, sorted and confident person who did not look for a relationship. I had bad relationships in the past and I had decided that it was just easier to be single. 

When I met him he came accross as a very confident individual. We had a lot in common, he was very kind and thoughtful. He seemed to be perfect in every single way, my friends seemed to think we were the best match ever like in a perfect movie. Everyone who met him liked him very much. It wasn't long before we fell in love and could not stand the thought of parting. 

We opened ourselves to each other. He said he was in a relationship with a psychopath for 3 years which ended a year prior to meeting me. Allegedly his past relationship was full of abuse and destroyed his life. He was very open about it and he told me a lot of horrific experinces he had. Despite the abuse that he told me about he seemed very well and sorted. I thought of him as someone very strong and confident. He very shortly introduced me to his family who seemed to be very warm and welcoming. His mum seemed to accept me straight away and we bacame very close. 

It was very quick before he asked whether he could move in my house. He didn't want a long distance relationship and neither did I see it working - so I agreed. It made sense to give it a go. 

Pretty much as soon as he moved in things started to change. He began to have mood swings, at times in frustration he would hit his own head, get very abusive verbally call me names and twist facts or make up things that didn't occur. He did however come off his antidepreansts at the time of his own accord. After a few outbursts like those above we thought it was just a side effect - he apologised after each incident. 

As the time progressed things were getting worse and worse. He used to get very low at times, blamed me for his mood. If I had ooked in a wrong way he would tell me " what have I done now?", pretty much anything I said was taken out of context and he managed to convince me that he was always right and I was the problem. It got to a point when I felt like I was walking on egg shells constantly, putting my smile on just not to annoy him or upset him. 

I didn't speak to anyone about it at the time as I was embarresed because everyone thought we had a peferect relationship. I only spoke to his mum who was supporting the both of us.I also thought and believed it must have been my fault for his reactions, so i constantly tried to change myslef and accept a lot of his behaviour. If I ever confronted him about anything he would get incredibly defensive and it would end up in 5 - 7 hrs mood swing. I had no voice. I could not express my feelings because even when I did he managed to successfully turn it around, and in the end I felt guilty for having those feelings in the first place. 

His mum was aware of this all, she always blamed his behaviour on his abusive ex, stress and everything else. Because I loved him at the time and I was aware of his PTSD I believed that I could ride it through and support him. I focused all my life on him. I helped him to get a job that he wanted but he would not attend to the interview due to anxiety attacks, which were really bad. 

He soon applied for a similar post and managed to get the job. It was such a big deal for him. I've always made him proud of his achievements and encouraged him to do better. 

Unfortunately he started drinking on his own very exesively and not turn up for work. He drank so much within literally a couple of hours time to the point he didn't know what he was doing or being sick on the sofa. 

I've became a carer for my partner. 

The outbursts stopped for a while but they came back soon with a vegance.  He would get so personal during his arguments that it hurt me deep inside so much that no soul can imagine. He would use everything that I've told him about myslef or my past as a weapon to make me feel bad. 

Anyone at this point would have left. I didn't. I have no idea why. I felt responsible for him. His mum always would find an excuse for his behaviour and as she is a Social Worker I listened to her. I just was so focused on my partner that I totally forgot about myslef and didn't realise I was losing control of my life. 

After several weeks or months I would slowly start snapping back after so many personal attacks. I've got my voice back and I answered and stood up for myslef. It would get so bad that I would use his ex as weapon because I knew it would hurt him. He made sure I would regret what I said and made me feel so bad afterwards.

His mum knew all about it but she still managed to convince me that he will be ok and she wanted us to be together and things would work out. 

It got to a point when I had to involve my friend who is a mental health nurse. His behaviour was so unpredictable and low at times and it was just beyond me. 

After his another episode of getting drunk in the house and not attending to work the next day and getting abusive verbally I decided enough is enough. I suggested him going to the GP and ask for help because I could not cope and to be fair nor could he. Dr prescribed him his medication back that he came off before. 

Unfortunately that didn't help. He would sabotage everything, getting drunk and low to a point that I got really concerned. I felt mentally and physically absolutely drained. Several sleepless nights and full time job to keep. I could not think straight anymore. I felt like I was in this bubble that was getting smaller and smaller and I could not breathe anymore. It went on for months.

In the end I told him to go and stay with his family for a couple of weeks to sort his head out and to have a little break from the situation hoping he would have some nice time while his medications kick in his system. 

While he was there he sent me some nasty abusive messages and talked abuse. I blocked him. I told him I wanted to have my keys back and I didn't want to be in a relationship like this. 

Somehow he knew how to make me forgive him and I agreed for him to come back home.

Worst mistake I had ever made. First couple of days after him arriving he was perfect and he seemed to try. I did notice though that he did not see what had happened and that he had any problem. He had an excuse for everything and he never was genuinely sorry.

We decided to let the go of the past and not dwel on it as it only brings back bad memories and negativity. It was my idea. I just wanted a strat a fresh. We even has toast and promised not to mention what happened and be same way we once were - like when we met. 

I was so happy thinking it would be over and we could start afresh. I just wanted him to be the person I met. 

Unfortunately, the whole time I was so focused on him I didn't realise how much stressed , sensitive and frustrated I became. We went out with friends we had a lot to drink. Something unfair happened to me while we were out and in a taxi back home I was complaining about it. Nothing to do with him. He said I was behaving like a little boy and I deserved what happened to me. I was looking for support not being crushed to pieces. It turned into a massive argument. I told him enough is enough I wont be treated this way anymore. He would call me names again and twist facts and making me feel like I was crazy - I snapped. I got really really angry and assaulted him physically. All the hurt and frustration from the whole relationship came out at once.

The next day I wanted to die. Literally wanted to disappear. The quilt, the feeling of feeling ashamed of myslef consumed me. I never seen it coming resulting like this. He told me I needed to go and get help and maybe he is right. I've opened up to some of my friends and they tell me that he pushed me for so long that I reached my breaking point. I keep hating myslef for what's happened. Can't look in the mirror, can't stop thinking about it. He moved out and his mum hates me now. She changed her tune and says I was the problem from start and I'm the unwell one and a violent person.  Even though she was there watching me trying to help her son the whole time. 

I don't know how to deal with it. I keep blaming myslef for allowing for it all to happen. I am frustrated with myslef that I didn't end the relationship way before. I've assaulted my partner yet somehow I feel a victim too. Am I the problem? 

All my support I gave him and everything I did was out of care and commitment to him.

Since then i found out that he said a few lies about me to people. Twisted facts and said that I was controlling and he always wanted to help me when the facts are different. He made things up that I was shocked about. Now he says he is a victim of domestic violence and he had to leave me because of that. I never wanted to hurt him. I don't believe I'm an abusive partner as if I was I would have snapped ages and ages ago. But maybe I am abusive ? I don't know anymore. I don't enjoy violence and I am against it.

How can he disregard and forget about all the things I did do for him and all the support. He knows me as a person. He knows I must feel horrible and ashamed about what happened, yet he is making out I have had always been in some ways abusive. How can anyone do that? 

Is anyone out there who have a simmilar experince or knowledge I am so confused and feel really emotionally disregulated. 

Please advise. 
Last edited by seabreezeblue on Sat May 26, 2018 11:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Added trigger warning to title.. no further changes (:
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Re: Am I an abusive person ? Please advise. *may trigger*

Postby avatar123 » Sun May 27, 2018 5:57 pm

So sorry you are going through this. I recognize a lot of his behavior, it results from someone who is deeply unhappy with himself. The person goes through multiple phases of self-blame and self-criticism until they can't take it any longer, then they suddenly reverse and assign blame externally, to those around them.

The cycle is amplified because they know deep down that this is unfair to others, which adds to their self-criticism and ultimately drives the next reversal and outburst.

Unfortunately there is not much you can do to prevent this, until the person admits they have a problem and seeks help. But that admission adds to the self-blame and so it tends to be rejected in the reversal. The person will always shield themselves from that knowledge by saying it's the fault of others.

The person is almost always surrounded by people that are more stable, and can absorb the abuse for an extended period. They seek out those people because the positive reinforcement they receive is a temporary reprieve from their internal dialogue. But as you found, eventually every person has their limit, and when reached, they have a reversal of their own, which can appear similar but is driven by self-defense and survival. That is what happened with you. The difference is that you were driven by external criticism and provocation, whereas he is driven by his own internal voices.

So I think if you understand what happened in those terms, you will not feel responsible. He probably has the potential to be a good person, but you could not make that happen, it could only occur by his own admission and effort. You could not fix it or him, no matter what you did. It will only matter to him now that it not be his fault, that's what he needs to keep the self-criticism at bay.

Please try not to be too hard on yourself. You pobably tried for too long to make it work, but that's an honest mistake. Many of us have done the same thing for someone we cared about. It hurts to realize that afterwards, but the truth is that you still have that ability to care, and that is always a good thing.
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Re: Am I an abusive person ? Please advise. *may trigger*

Postby quietgirl2538 » Mon Jun 18, 2018 2:00 pm

Avatar has some really insightful words to share. I agree with her completely. My own experience is not with a significant other, but with my own mother. As a teen, I was always the problem child, I was always at fault. I moved on, moved away as I became an adult. Later when I returned to the area where she lived, I had her in my life again. She was still the same person I had always known, mean and spiteful. Twisting facts, verbally and emotionally abusive. She seemed to have been stuck in a time when I was still a teen, so even though I had grown and matured, she was still seeing me as the same person and treating me the same way. I too, internalized so much. Eventually, after many years of therapy, I found myself. I found my voice and I saw me for who I really was and her for who she really was. She does not believe she ever did a wrong thing. To this day, I am still the bad kid, the bad daughter. I no longer wish to try to convince her of any truth because she won't have any part of it. Please take care of yourself. It may take time to heal but you will heal. You will see yourself and the situation for what it really is. You are a good person who endured so much for so long. Give yourself credit for sincerely being a good person. You deserve happiness like the next person. Sending hugs, if wanted.
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