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Too numb & complex emotions. Normal?

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Too numb & complex emotions. Normal?

Postby star dust » Sat Jan 13, 2018 4:21 am

I don't really know if I'm ready to post here.
I'm definitely not ready to post the details of my abusive relationship. All I will say for now is that it was incredibly violent, controlling and psychologically and emotionally damaging. It went on for 2 years.
I am going through a number of extremely complex emotions regarding it.
One of them is, I'm not really acknowledging it's happened. But if there's anything good that's come from this one of the things is that I've realised that I've been abused all my life and this is how I've dealt with all the abuse I have suffered. Not acknowledging it properly. Feeling it's sort of OK, whilst at the same time feeling it's the sickest most disgusting and wrong thing. And having to deal with the lasting psychological effects.

One side of me feels nothing. Really. I'm so numb. I feel dead inside. And not even that bothered to be honest. I had a relationship, it was incredibly abusive. So what.
I'm away now. And I couldn't care less what he does as he's pathetic and I am really quite embarrassed to have been with such a low life scumbag and do not want to think about him ever again. I couldn't care less where he is, what he's doing and who he's with as he's just a sad little man. He doesn't even enter my head mostly. And this is genuinely how I feel, not how I want to feel.
Another side of me is absolutely outraged. How dare he treat me this way?!?! How dare he?! He is the sickest most twisted breed of human being and I genuinely hope that he dies a slow and painful death or someone goes and kills him and he gets burned in hospital in a cardboard box because that's how he will die as none of his family speak to him and no one will pay for his funeral.
Or that someone beats him so badly that he's severely physically disabled for the rest of his life.
And another side of me misses him. She feels so sad. She feels so abandoned. Sounds weird but she feels like a little girl who's been abandoned by her Daddy and he's never coming back and she realises he never loved her. She wasn't the world to him she was nothing. So, so hurt. And she's also worried about him in case anything bad happens to him. She wishes it wasn't this way. She wonders 'did he ever really love me? Is he missing me? Is he crying? Does he regret his behaviour? Has he forgotten me already? Is he going to try and get me back? I hope so...'
That girls not active inside me right now, she's the weakest of the 3. She's showing up very occasionally.

Mostly I feel numb about it all. It's like I genuinely couldn't care less. And that's the part that's worrying me really.
But that part of me was activated before I met him I think. Perhaps as a result of previous abuse? I also never allowed myself to fully accept him as I was so afraid he would hurt me, leave me and abandon me so I've been preparing myself for it since day 1.
That said, we were incredibly, incredibly close...
I'm guessing these emotions are pretty normal?
Is the numbness something I should be worried about? Complex ptsd type stuff?
I'm starting to suspect there's a possibility I may have had complex ptsd for years and am only just realising.
It's been very eye opening for me. Sounds weird but, I have no regrets. I'm glad I got in this relationship. As much as it has caused me a severe, severe amount of pain.
It's made me realise what I am and am not willing to put up with. It's made me realise what is and isn't fair treatment of me. It's also made me realise I'm a lot tougher than I thought.
Perhaps too tough though? I'm not sure.
When I was with him even though I hated his guts I was TERRIFIED of him leaving me.
I didn't want to be away from him ever. I got my identity from him. I couldn't bear the thought of there ever being a time we were apart.
Now, I really don't care. At all. I've turned cold. I do it a lot when a relationship goes bad. Friend or partner. I don't miss people. It's like once I'm away from them there's a distance there and I no longer feel a connection with that person, it gets @!@@@! off like a switch. And then it feels as though the relationship didn't even happen.
Depends. I've also been the crazy, obsessive ex, stalking and constantly calling, I mean calling 30 times per hour, every hour to the point where numbers have had to be changed, parents numbers have had to be changed and I've refused to leave him alone... Not great.
I also think I have BPD though so this may be related to that. Isn't there some debate as to whether BPD is actually a form of ptsd?
What concerns me is this switch that gets @!@@@! off in me though. I think that's a sign there's something terrible wrong and I'm in for years of hell to come as a result of this...
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Re: Too numb & complex emotions. Normal?

Postby Terry E. » Sat Jan 13, 2018 6:44 am

What you have described can be pretty normal for a survivor of child abuse. You allude to it but do not elaborate.

The intensity of relationships, yet being happy alone.

Need more info on childhood.

Also sometimes a survivors behavior mimics BP but is different. They can be very driven and then very unhappy, but it is dealing with a crappy childhood and no amount of lithium will fix it
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Re: Too numb & complex emotions. Normal?

Postby star dust » Sat Jan 13, 2018 12:34 pm

Terry E. wrote:What you have described can be pretty normal for a survivor of child abuse. You allude to it but do not elaborate.

The intensity of relationships, yet being happy alone.

Need more info on childhood.

Also sometimes a survivors behavior mimics BP but is different. They can be very driven and then very unhappy, but it is dealing with a crappy childhood and no amount of lithium will fix it


Yes. I feel I am going through an awakening of sorts right now. And it's devastating and horrifying whilst at the same time incredibly liberating.
My relationships are as intense as you could possibly get. However I'm definitely not happy being alone. I desire another relationship as soon as possible. Right NOW. Every minute of every day is agony alone I feel empty. I need another persons energy.
I'm guessing you thought I meant bipolar, I actually meant borderline personality disorder (although I'm not going to completely rule out a form of bipolar as possibly being something I suffer from.)
I'm not ready to go into my childhood in great extent.
I will think about it and perhaps discuss it all in therapy once I feel I'm with someone I can trust.
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