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Ashamed of my responce

Open Discussions About Domestic Abuse.

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Ashamed of my responce

Postby Tom1967 » Wed Jan 10, 2018 5:42 pm

I am a 40 year old man and have been with my wife since we were 19 we have four boys 2 of which have sereve disabilities and need 24hr care .

As i far as i was concered we had a near perfect marriage, we spend time together went out for meals and romantic weekends away always surprised each other with random gifts and both had a healthy social life, we would go out together and on our own.

Due to our sons needs my wife wanted to be a stay at home mum so i found a job that cover the costs, we had a joint bank account and had ( and continues to ) have 100% access to every penny .

Two months ago after my wife done the school run she said we need to talk and told me that she had cheated on me with my best friend, my whole world came crashing down around me i couldnt believe that after 21 years toegther she could do this to me, although it was only 9:30am i turned to drink and wife then followed suit we had a massive argument in which she said she didnt love me anymore and that she was in love with my best friend .

I then totally lost control of my self told her to pack her bags and go she refused so i grabbed her forced her up the stairs pushed to the floor punched her in the arm and shoulder then forced her wedding ring off her finger then pinned her to the bed and choked her for about 3 to 5 seconds , i then stopped and got off her realizing what i was doing she got up sobbing and ran down stairs i followed and sat down she asked if she could leave i told her yes, she asked if i would follow her i told her no she checked that i would be ok to look after the kids i said of course so she went .

Im not making any excuses or reasons why i did it i know it was wrong i know i had no right at all to hurt her i take full responsibility for my choice snd am devastated of the pain fear and anxiety i have left her with i have never laid a hand on snother human being in my life and i am ashamed and disgusted with my self for thinking that i done it to the love of my life and the mother of my children .

We are now currantly seperated ( she has moved out and i am home with the kids ) but are working on things as i stated earlier as i have 2 children that need 24hr care we see each other every day but when she leaves i do not contact her ive told her she can take as much time as she needs im paying for her flat, her food etc anx will continue to for as long as she wishes me to i am in a programme for perprotraors and am finding it really helpfull and would recommend to anyone wishing to change there behaviour to do it .

I have respected her wish for no physical contact and am trying my hardest to let her know she is safe around me i have told my friends and family exactly what i done so nobody thinks she has just walked out on her kids i wsnt people to know its my fault why she has left and not hers in anyway.

Social services have been round and are happy that im not a theat to my kids and that they can live with me.

My wife is seeing a councillor and were getting on fairly well she has since atmitted to me she is not in love with my best friend she just said it hurt me , my issue is my wife dosent want to touched by anyone, me i can understand but she wont even let the kids touch her she saud any kind of physical contact with another person makes her feel sick i like to know how i can help her try to overcome this i know it will take time for her to trust me again ( if she ever does) and im perpared to live with tje consequences of my actions but ours kids need her ?
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Re: Ashamed of my responce

Postby Terry E. » Thu Jan 11, 2018 6:02 am

Okay, first I don't think there can be a bigger moment in a married couples life than when one admits to infidelity. The courts deal with such consequences each week.

Not making excuses for you but looking at the range of probable responses it is expected. A combination of shock and grief and looking back we all know what we should have done, but I am yet to meet someone in that one moment who actually does it. For anyone who points the finger at you, I ask what they have had to deal with.

Funny how she told you she did not love you. I have heard the woman telling the man they never loved him. Neither were correct, it just seems to happen.

She obviously cared for you otherwise she would have kept it a secret, but damm hard to see it at that time.

You have not given much info on the situation with the children but 24hr care is a huge load. You carried the load of the responsibility for all the bills, but she was there 24/7. I have seen it before and it becomes a very grey life. In other cases I have seen people look outside for some joy even though they know it is not real.

I cannot get in your wife's head but have you thought about that day from her view.

It probably seems as big a nightmare as it does to you. Whatever she thought her reaction to you knowing was going to be, I doubt she got it right. People seldom do.

She now probably has guilt at how she pushed this situation forward mixed with pain for what she lost in you and the children.

The fact she is still there is very positive but you both need time to heal. Many couples recover from worse, people just never talk about it, but it will need more time.

Now what is unforgivable behaviour? That is the guy who uses intimidation to control, manipulate and dominate. These forums are full of stories of women and men trying to deal with an abusive spouse. To me what happened was a genuine one off brain explosion. Rather than deal with thoughts of you being a perpetrator of abuse maybe some grief counseling could help you and maybe her.

I wish I could offer more, I really do.
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Re: Ashamed of my responce

Postby seabreezeblue » Thu Jan 11, 2018 1:09 pm

Terry E. wrote: Rather than deal with thoughts of you being a perpetrator of abuse maybe some grief counseling could help you and maybe her.

I wish I could offer more, I really do.


I agree with this,

What you did was awful, and your wife must have been terrified, but since it's the only time you've ever hurt her, I do think some counselling would be far more useful than anything else could be.

Your wife being unable to allow physical contact is a difficult one.. while it's a natural response and of course not simple to overcome, the children do need their mums physical and comforting touch.

Counselling will be able to help her with that.. but i think that relationship counselling for the two of you is the fastest way of helping her (and you and the children) to move forwards and heal up from this.
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and i'll run round the moon..



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