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I want it, then I don't.

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I want it, then I don't.

Postby makemeabetterme » Thu Dec 14, 2017 3:39 pm

Hi All,
I’ve not posted on this forum yet, but have told my story on the “Significant Others” section. I dated a man who physically, verbally, and emotionally abused me for ten years. Fhew – why does that still hurt to say?
We broke up about 7 months ago ( after a quick 3 month reunion.. but before that we had split up for another 6 months..). I was in therapy, I took months to be alone and just figure out what makes me happy, I started to feel happy and whole.
Sometime over the past few weeks, despite my thinking that I wouldn’t, I met someone. It was a slow process. I gave him my number, we talked for a while before going out. Then I waited to go out with him again. I had started to feel happy and whole, but dating still scared me. I took it slow… we talked almost every night but maintained our separate lives, careful not to fall for any sort of enmeshment again. He encouraged me and supported me.
Anyway, we grew closer, and it turned romantic. First kissing, then fooling around… It felt good, and compassionate, and unlike anything I had experienced so far.
I went on a few other dates but I kept thinking about him, and he kept thinking about me too. I felt a connection and I want to continue to get to know him…
Here’s my dilemma.
Twice now, I have convinced myself I was ready to have sex. And twice now I’ve gotten to the point of penetration, and told him I couldn’t. A panic set in, and I just couldn’t go through with it. At first I thought I was “testing” his reaction, but I’m not so sure now. I’m attracted to him, I feel that he’s truly a good person, and I want to do it..
To his credit, he’s been nothing but sweet about it. But the last time we were together, after weeks of giving him a small glimpse into my previous life, he just flat out asked me “ were you abused?” I said yes. And it ached to admit it. It’s so hard to be honest without feeling like I’m showcasing. He’s had a really, really tough life, so even admitting I’m hurting to him feels so wrong.. he’s not a victim of his circumstances, and I thought I wasn’t either.
We had a long discussion about it. I am not an open book, and I am very guarded, so he made a comment about having to “drag information out of me.” He wants honesty. Who can blame him? He wants to be there for me no matter how long it takes for me to heal. He wants me to feel like I can explore my options, but also remember his feelings too. I mean, there’s no denying he’s been mature beyond anything I could have expected. And I want to move forward.. but after two false starts he just wants to keep that part of the relationship on the back burner for now.
He said it doesn’t matter – that he’s here for me. It’s not as important right now as I think but he also said it’s healthy to be intimate in a relationship. I agree! I want to! But why am I feeling like this? Why do I turn on a dime? Really truly, I feel ready, and then bam, I don’t.
Anyone else struggling with this? I want to reach out for therapy again but somehow talking about this in person seems really scary to me.
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Re: I want it, then I don't.

Postby seabreezeblue » Thu Jan 11, 2018 1:18 pm

It's been quite a while since you posted, how are things going between the two of you now?

I was wondering if your fear of enmeshment is what stops you from being intimate with him? For many people, having sex makes you feel emotionally close to a partner in a way that nothing else does.. you let yourself drift away and sink into a very different level of consciousness..

Pulling back at the last moment before letting go would make a lot of sense if you're still wary of becoming enmeshed and being hurt again.. when your mind feels that it's on the brink of that happening, it can trigger an almost phobic reaction.. the brain goes ''danger = pull back'', and you move from being relaxed, to suddenly alert and finding your emotional/warm/fuzzy/relaxed side has packed its bags and left the building.

Something like that maybe?
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..
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