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Can abusers really change?

Open Discussions About Domestic Abuse.

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Can abusers really change?

Postby PaulParadox » Sun Nov 26, 2017 3:34 am

Hello everyone. I’m posting this because In the past I’ve been a victim of domestic violence. I was ina long term relationship for a very long time that started when I was in highschool. In the beginning of it there was a lot of verbal abuse from my girlfriend at the time. Eventually it escalated into physical years later. The first incidents involved being kicked in the groin and pushed onto the floor. After these two incidents nothing physical happened until years later yet again. However throughout the years I noticed that most of the abuse would happen either during or.a week before my girlfriends period. One day ( a few days before she got her period) she was very argumentative with me so I stayed in a separate part of the house. (Was living in her parents house at the time). She then came to where I was. We then started to argue. During this time there was a knife in the room. While yelling st me she then took the knife and pointed it at my chest. It was so close I could feel it. After talking her down I then pretended that I was fine and go about the day. I was too afraid and Ashamed. made to call the police. There was also another incident as well although it wasn’t physical. It was winter and the ground was slick. I was driving to pick her up at her “friends” house (the friend was actually more than that. Once I got to a stop sign I called her only to realize she had left her phone in my car. Afterwards as I am making a turn I loose control and crash totaling the car. As I was checking myself for injuries and deciding what to do I then use aher phone to call her “friend” and let her know what happened ( I didn’t have his number) I then speak to her just to get screamed at and told that the accident was my fault. She didn’t even ask if I was okay I then burst into tears and ended the call. Afterwards I then see from texts in her phone that her “friend” was something more and she was cheating. All of these incidents left a negative impact on me and I have really bad flashbacks that make it very difficult from functioning everyday. Whenever these incidents would be discussed she would say that she would be having flashbacks of past abuse she endured as a child and her she didn’t feel in control as if everything was a dream. As of now in the present she is still in my life as a friend and has changed a great deal and has stopped her abusive behavior although I still struggle with flashbacks and nightmares about the abuse she put me through. Should I not have her be apart of my life? Can abusive people really changed?
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Re: Can abusers really change?

Postby Terry E. » Sun Nov 26, 2017 8:19 pm

firstly sorry that you have found yourself here, but glad you are looking at this and wondering about it.

I am not professional pysch person. I have been on here a very long time (it seems) and I have studied research anecdotal and well as scientific whenever and wherever I can find it.

I have found abusers generally do not change in a positive way usually they get worse. However if the person is a child abuse survivor then their life can be a roller coaster. They can be getting better while at the same time doing much behaviour that is self damaging (and to others they care about/ and or care about them. )

What you described is not unusual for a abuse survivor. Uncommon yes, but not totally unusual.

If you feel she has changed, maybe you are part of that reason.

I wish you both luck.
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Re: Can abusers really change?

Postby rainbow_sprinkles » Sun Nov 26, 2017 9:07 pm

yes they can, assuming they feel remorse for their actions. humans are complex creatures, and we are always changing.
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