Our partner

Disabled, abused and scared

Open Discussions About Domestic Abuse.

Moderator: Terry E.

Disabled, abused and scared

Postby Flittermouse » Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:31 pm

A few months ago, I tried calling a helpline. I ended up hanging up before anyone answered and my hands shook for four hours after. This is my second attempt at reaching out and my heart is pounding like a fierce thing.
Where to even start? 16 years worth of abuse. Physical, emotional, financial - you name it, I've endured it. Something happened one day and I asked myself; is this abuse? So I started looking things up. Short answer, oh heck yeah! I was one of those people who thought physical abuse was only hitting. My husband has never hit me. But I found that deliberately putting a person in danger is physical abuse. To this day, I can't get in a car, without closing my eyes and praying. When he realized why I wasn't screaming anymore (eyes closed) he just laughed and laughed.
But that isn't the subject of this post. Or at least, only a part of it.
I think my husband tried to kill me. I'm not sure - one of those 'plausible deniability' things. Am I overreacting? Am I crazy? He would certainly say so!
Here's the background. Several months ago, I mentioned that loud, unexpected noises startled me and caused my heart to stop beating. The phone, the doorbell, sirens, doors closing - whatever. If it was loud and I wasn't expecting it, it would scare me to death. And I had arrhythmia almost every day.
A couple of weeks ago, I woke up with my left arm hurting. I asked my husband what a heart attack was like. He explained a mans heart attack - I said no, the kind that women can get. A 'silent' heart attack. He explained it to me. Then he said: I always thought a silent heart attack would be a great way to go - no pain, just boom and you're gone.
I noted my loving husband didn't say; if you suspect a heart attack, you should get it checked.
A couple of days later, he crashes in the door (hits it with his fist, rather than just turning the knob - this is his usual way of opening the door) and yells my name. I say; J! you startled the heck out of me! my heart stopped! and he got this arrested look on his face.
A couple of days after that, he suddenly shouts my name from about 3 feet behind me. I'd never heard him come in. again, I shout and clutch my heart.
Then... one day, his hand suddenly dropped heavily onto my shoulder. He'd made not a sound coming in the room. I didn't jump. I didn't yell. I just said; yeah? what? And he said; just wanted to know how you are.
See, I think he confused 'startled' with 'loud noises'. Getting touched doesn't startle me, loud noises do. He thought startling me would cause my heart to stop. He has never, in 16 years, put his hand on my shoulder. I could just hear him say; officer, I just asked her how she was, and she keeled over!

He's been escalating. At first, he just wished for me to die 'so he could get on with his life'. Then it became nothing - doing nothing when something needed to be done. Like when I was sick in bed and he'd 'forget' to give me food and water. Now I think (maybe!) he's gotten tired of waiting for me to go in my good time, but is looking for ways of assisting me. But not in a way that might get him in trouble!

This is only one thing. I have enough for a book! But I'd like a second opinion. Am I overreacting? Or is this something that you've heard before?
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Wed Oct 18, 2017 1:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: privacy edit
Flittermouse
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 2:20 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 15, 2020 6:02 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Disabled, abused and scared

Postby Terry E. » Wed Oct 18, 2017 1:55 am

Heard it before. A little worse than yours but the result was people thinking it was just a mistake misunderstanding. What options have you got. Are you permanently disabled.
Terry E.
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 1723
Joined: Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:22 am
Local time: Wed Jul 15, 2020 6:02 am
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Disabled, abused and scared

Postby Flittermouse » Wed Oct 18, 2017 8:47 am

Thank you for replying, Terry.
Yes, I am permanently disabled. I have lung disease that stops me from walking more than 10 meters and unable to carry anything. It also takes me hours to do any cooking, as I have to rest after just a few minutes.
I am my husband's carer as he's also disabled. That is the only income I have. As I am the one that pays for the groceries, my account is always in the red. I have just applied for PIP. If that gets approved, I might be able to not only get in the black but to squirrel away a few pounds. He keeps his bank account private, I have no idea how much money he has. However, when he wants a new phone or computer, money doesn't seem to be a problem.
What I've posted is only a tiny fraction of everything that's happened. I think I sound calm and reasonable since I've had about 3 or 4 months to process everything.
I am housebound (I use a scooter to get around, but my neighbor built an extension to his front door that blocks my ability to get the scooter in and out.Hubby found this hilarious. That and the fact, my scooter is used as a storage unit. 'You want to go out? just jump on your scooter, you know that'.) I have no family or friends (how do you make friends when you can't get out? and when I was able to, he always gave me a hard time, they weren't the 'right sort'.)
So, no income, no friends or family, housebound. Pretty much sums it up. PiP might help.
I've learned I can't please him (after all, a married couple should come to an agreement on changes to the household, and that includes buying pots and pans) because if I try to meet his demands, he just changes his demands. With the goal post constantly being shifted, I am guaranteed to fail. He finds this amusing, I think.
Before I became too sick and weary to fight back, I didn't have much trouble with his low-level harassment. But it's not low level anymore. Every time I learn how to block one type of abuse he ups his game and comes at me from another angle.
I did think of trying to get in a shelter. But these are shelters with kids, and the sound of kids are ice picks to my brain. I am noise sensitive. I am hyper alert, I need to know where he is, and when he's headed towards me. He walks like he's trying to pound nails through the carpet and into the cement foundation - and he's barefoot. He walks like he's in a rage and it always scares me.
I had a fantasy where I won the lotto, or had a go-fund-me page make enough money to buy a house. I could disappear. I realized that feeling I got from it, was hope. But it was a false hope, so I went back to feeling trapped.
Flittermouse
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 2:20 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 15, 2020 6:02 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Disabled, abused and scared

Postby Terry E. » Fri Oct 20, 2017 9:43 am

I feel for you, but I can only offer, trying to find some joy in something, some interest, that will at least offer a mental escape. I am sorry for you.
Terry E.
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 1723
Joined: Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:22 am
Local time: Wed Jul 15, 2020 6:02 am
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Disabled, abused and scared

Postby Flittermouse » Tue Oct 24, 2017 3:29 pm

thanks for responding, Terry.
I do have a question(s).
Should I confront him on some of the things he does? I've noticed when I respond, calling him on his behavior, he usually backs off. (or says something along the lines of; we'll talk about it when you're not so moody. He says I'm moody whenever I disagree with something he says.)
But I've heard its better not to confront abusers. That it's better just to cut and run. but I have nowhere to run to.
And if I do confront him on his behavior - do I pick just one type (say, physical) and work that, or do I do a little of everything? (which I think might be a bit overwhelming for him and put him on the defensive).
Flittermouse
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 2:20 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 15, 2020 6:02 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Domestic Violence




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests