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Can't tell if he's manipulating me, or I'm just crazy.

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Can't tell if he's manipulating me, or I'm just crazy.

Postby Phanelope » Sat Oct 14, 2017 2:03 am

Hi everyone.
I have been with my husband for 13 years. We have had a great relationship until around 2 years ago when things started going down hill. My husband was diagnosed with cluster B personality disorder a few months ago. He also has a history of childhood sexual abuse and has PTSD as a result. I feel I should mention here that I also have a history of childhood trauma including sexual abuse, and have struggled with depression and anxiety in the past. I have also become very anxious again since discovering my husbands issues, which I will get to at the end (sorry bit of a long background).

I knew about my husbands past very early in our relationship. He told me about what happened to him after only a couple of weeks which tells me it must have been a big issue for him. At that time I tried to get him to seek professional help, but he wasn't interested and I didn't really see any alarm bells at the time so we left it.

My husband is a very sweet loving and caring guy who appears to put the needs of others first. During the first ten or so years I only got slight hints that things may not have been right, and I usually Ignored them because he was so kind and loving.

His ex told me he was a compulsive liar at the beginning of our relationship but I ignored her because I thought she was being bitter. I did notice he lied a bit, over small and silly things, like what he was watching on tv, or what he was wearing etc. things that really didn't matter, which at the time seemed unimportant but now that I look back I feel to lie about such small things is very weird. Regardless, I trusted him completely and I never thought he would lie about something big.

He could be quite controlling early on, not liking it when I went out without him and scrutinising what I was wearing or who I was hanging out with. He worked in security and would often get his bouncer friends to spy on me if I went to a bar or club. At the same time he would go out with his friends all the time and I never had a problem with it. At first I wasn't having it. No one could tell me what to do, so I just went anyway. But he always made sure I had a miserable night by calling me every 5 minutes and then sulking when I came back, accusing me of flirting with men etc. One day my best friend sent me a pic of a guy she was dating and I replied "mmm yummy", he grabbed my phone and threw it across the room, even though I was talking about a guy my friend was in to. I also used to be quite into gaming, and even though there are lots of female gamers now, back when I was into gaming it wasnt very common, so most of my friends were male. Every time I spoke to them, about the most innocent of things he would get moody. He even deleted them off my friends list without asking me. At first I fought it, but eventually he wore me down. I got so sick of his sulking and carrying on and sick of always feeling guilty. I just stopped going out without him, and I stopped talking to my male friends.

Early in the relationship he did occasionally have bouts of anger, particularly with road rage. I would calmly have discussions with him about how his anger wasn't helping him, and how it was usually not punishing the person who made him angry, but me and our family. He appeared to get over these anger issues because we would see the, very infrequently, like maybe once a year.

I had read in one of his school reports that he was a malingerer. Someone who pretends they can't do things in order to get out of doing it. I did notice a bit of this. Like he pretends he can't use email and gets me to do all his applications, but at times when he urgently needed something done and I wasn't there he miraculously knew how to do it. He can act really dumb but when we play board games and quizzes he's suddenly Einstein. And he seems to be able to switch this off and on at will.

The first time I noticed that maybe he wasn't as trustworthy as I thought was 2 years ago when I was using his iPad to access iBooks and a message came up from a girl. She was sending him pics of her in her underwear and he was telling her how beautiful she was (he was on his phone). I didn't say anything at first, to be honest I'm not really a jealous person and a bit of flirting doesn't bother me, but I was curious about the type of girl she appeared to be. She was blonde with big augmented breasts, half shaved head and covered in tattoos and piercings which is the complete opposite of me. I started to notice there were a few girls on his friendslist that had these sorts of features and wondered how he knew them. I eventually asked him if that was what he was attracted to and if he still found me attractive as I looked completely different. He assured me that he was still attracted to me, but I had serious doubts. I felt like he was hiding his true self.

I didn't really care about those girls, but now I was more vigilant. I started to notice things he did that were contradictory. Through our entire relationship he had agreed with me on most political and moral issues, but when I examined his internet activity or listened to his discussions with other people I figured out he didn't really have an opinion on anything he just agreed with whoever he was talking to. Like he would tell me he was an atheist, but then be religious with other people. He would tell me he supported LGBT rights and even had gay friends, but then I would see him being homophobic. I started to realise that his loving and kind ways were really just people pleasing, and he would please whoever he was with at the time, even if it contradicted a previous viewpoint.

I started to wonder about who he really was and what he was up to. I started looking into his phone and FB, something I had never done because I trusted him. I found out he had a secret bank account, he had spent large sums of money without my knowledge. I found out he had been taking drugs through the majority of our relationship and I found dating apps, dating site subscriptions, memberships with hook up groups on FB etc etc. basically Everything I knew about him was a complete lie. He also started behaving erratically. He spent $15k of our family savings on a motorbike and joined a "social" club That I later found out was just a feeder to an outlaw motorcycle club.

I told him I couldn't accept this, and I told him he had to leave. He left and went on a drug addled bender with his brother, hooking up with god knows who. Then he started acting suicidal and I feared for him so I told him to come back home so we could get him some help. Within a week of coming home he assaulted me. I won't go into the details of the assault but it was not physical or verbal, in fact he has never been physically or verbally abusive to me. Ever. It was not "forced" and it involved the use of drugs, but it was quite traumatising for me, and I have been anxious, on edge, and unable to trust anyone since.

He admitted he needed help and we got him into a psychologist and he also saw a psychiatrist. He began medication but we had some trouble getting therapy for him (he just started it last week). His issues involve a sex addiction and invasive sexual thoughts. He also has a fear of conflict and so lies and "people pleases" to avoid it. He was using drugs to self medicate but is now off them. I do give him random drug tests so I believe he is telling the truth on that issue.

Now I am 100% willing to support him with his mental health issues, but here is the problem, I am feeling completely manipulated and I can't tell if he's doing it's deliberately, like he's getting off on it, or if I'm just feeling that way because that's how his illness works.

I have only told my best friend about everything that is going on, although I had omitted some of the really private stuff. I am extremely stressed out, and believe I have reason to be. I sometimes snap and get angry at him. I do sometimes feel resentful that he had my fooled for so long. Now I am having his family members abuse me saying I mistreat him and more recently I've had his friends tell me I am mistreating him. It's obvious he hasn't told them what's going on and is only telling some things, like about what happened to him as a child. All they see is my poor husband who is suffering from PTSD and his crazy wife who is snapping and nagging him all the time. I feel like he is deliberately making me look like the bad guy to gain sympathy or something. Why would he let these people abuse me and not correct them by admitting he is actually putting me through hell? And then I've started to realise other things that support my theory that he Is trying to make me look crazy. Sometimes when his friends or family or even work want him to do things he will say he can't because I won't let him. Yes it Is sometimes true, like sometimes I won't let him hang out with people who I know are drug users or members of outlaw gangs, but he will tell people I won't let him go even if I haven't said anything. I've also noticed that when I ask him to do something around the house he will only half do it, as If he wants me to get angry and nag him. For example I asked him to mow the lawn and he left a large patch. I asked him if the mower broke and he said no he will just do it later, but then he won't do it. I asked him to put hooks up for the kids bikes and he only put 2 out of 4 up. I asked him to build me a shelf and he only half built it and then left it in the middle of the garage. I think he's even lying to his psych because he came home and told me that his psych said I was unreasonable for not letting him be in the outlaw MC club, and that I am being controlling by isolating him and restricting his friendships. I feel like he either didn't tell her it was an outlaw club or he's lying about her saying this to make me feel bad. When I do get angry he is the ever loving, sweet guy and he makes me feel guilty for being angry. I feel like I'm the one being abusive to him because I'm always stressed out and he's always sweet, and this is what everyone else is seeing too. I know I am a little controlling with not letting him do illegal things and making him do drug tests, but that's reasonable under the circumstances, right? I can't tell if I'm overreacting and being horrible and controlling because I'm just a nasty person who doesn't understand his illness, or if he is deliberately manipulating me to be this way.

Am I married to a very clever psychopath or just someone who needs help?
Phanelope
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Re: Can't tell if he's manipulating me, or I'm just crazy.

Postby Terry E. » Sun Oct 15, 2017 8:09 am

Phanelope wrote:

Am I married to a very clever psychopath or just someone who needs help?



People with personality disorders don't change. He will lie no matter what, will make you feel like you are betraying him. make you the villain.

Get out and run a mile.
Terry E.
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Re: Can't tell if he's manipulating me, or I'm just crazy.

Postby Phanelope » Sun Oct 15, 2017 10:25 pm

If they don't change, why do they even have treatment for personality disorders?

Also, during the time I was waiting for post approval I got up the nerve to ask if he was manipulating me. It was more out of frustration than anything. But he admitted that yes he does sometimes do things to make me angry deliberately. He says it's usually because I've done something to annoy him and he's being passive aggressive, but sometimes he does it for no real reason. For example he admitted to pulling the towels of the rack and leaving them on the floor because he knows how much it frustrates me. I've been blaming the kids every time, although I'm sure sometimes it is them. I'm guessing this is part of his conflict avoidance and a way to get his anger out without a direct conflict.

I'm still feeling like he just gave me this little bit as a way to manipulate me. To try to show he's being honest or whatever, but doing it in a calculated way. He's just made me that paranoid that I question every little thing he does.
Phanelope
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 20
Joined: Sat Oct 14, 2017 12:01 am
Local time: Tue Jul 07, 2020 5:48 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


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