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Father Married to Prostitute

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Father Married to Prostitute

Postby PerplexedMan » Thu Sep 21, 2017 1:48 pm

So recently my father found out his wife is working as a prostitute behind his back. He is 50 and she is around 30 years old. Initially when he learned of her activities he kept it hidden so that the police could catch her. That way he could get a much more favorable divorce. He waited a few months but nothing happened. So he decided to divorce her. Now before doing that, he brought a friend of his and tried to confront her with the knowledge that he has. Apparently, his friend shouted at her and threatened to get her in trouble. He told her everything they know about her activities as a prostitute and that they have themselves tracked her to various hotels at night. She started crying and eventually confessed to everything. Unfortunately, instead of divorcing her my father didn't say anything throughout the session and just forgave her at the end. My family is very saddened by this news and we all think there is something wrong with him. That he is the recipient of some abuse and that his actions are completely irrational. What can we do to make him see straight and get a divorce? We are afraid that she might harm him in some way.

PS: he lives overseas.
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Re: Father Married to Prostitute

Postby seabreezeblue » Thu Sep 21, 2017 10:09 pm

What makes you believe that she might harm him? Has she hurt him before?

His actions are irrational.. but love makes us all irrational - from what you've said, you've got a huge huge problem here, because if he loves her and feels sorry for her.. I can't imagine how you'll persuade him to end the marriage.

He needs to be the one that decides to end it.. if you really feel the need to try and persuade him to end it, then just tread carefully with him. If you push too hard, it's likely that you'll end up falling out, and that's the last thing you need.

Aside from her working as a prostitute, is there any other reason why you want him to end his marriage?
Because if he can accept what she does, and still wants to be with her, everyone else is also going to have to try and treat her with respect

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Re: Father Married to Prostitute

Postby PerplexedMan » Fri Sep 22, 2017 10:59 am

Well, she's not very nice to us as a whole. She's actually pretty nasty to his family and lies constantly. She is controlling and manipulative. She reads all his emails and answers all his calls. She even has access to all his cards. She's a horrible mother. She goes out prostituting and never takes care of her son and daughter. This woman is dangerous and not someone anyone should be living with. I don't think any of us would ever feel obliged to respect her and we definitely don't want to have anything to do with her. Whether he loves her or not is his business but we are not going to accept a filthy prostitute, no way.
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Re: Father Married to Prostitute

Postby Holodeck » Fri Sep 22, 2017 11:23 am

I agree with seabreeze that he is acting very irrational.

I wonder what makes him "ok" about these things other than any love he seems to feel for her. He seems to have issues of confidence, and is possibly/likely delusional about his love life. I feel this may be a case of him believing he's too old get get anyone new, so he lets her do what she wants to keep her.

Depending on local laws, he may also fear her being arrested.
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Re: Father Married to Prostitute

Postby seabreezeblue » Fri Sep 22, 2017 12:25 pm

PerplexedMan wrote:Well, she's not very nice to us as a whole. She's actually pretty nasty to his family and lies constantly. She is controlling and manipulative. She reads all his emails and answers all his calls. She even has access to all his cards. She's a horrible mother. She goes out prostituting and never takes care of her son and daughter. This woman is dangerous and not someone anyone should be living with. I don't think any of us would ever feel obliged to respect her and we definitely don't want to have anything to do with her. Whether he loves her or not is his business but we are not going to accept a filthy prostitute, no way.


The prostitution imo, isn't disgusting. It's not something i'd ever do, but I have spoken to a couple of people that do it themselves, and I don't respect them less than other people.
It's only disgusting as far as i'm concerned, because he knew nothing about it, and therefore he didn't have a choice about it. The real disgusting part in this, is the way she treats him, and the way she treats all of you.. that really worries me, and as Holodeck said, I wonder if he stays with her partly out of being scared to be on his own.
Emotional abuse grinds us down.. wears away at our self esteem until we believe we're worthless.. and it sounds like she's impacted hugely on your father, and also on her children.

Is there drug or alcohol use involved at all? (for either of them.. assuming there is for her, but wanted to ask).
Would your father be willing to have some counselling at all, and/or do a confidence and assertiveness course of some variety..?

Sometimes men stay with abusive women for the sake of the children.. believing that the only way of protecting them somewhat, is to continue in the marriage, where they can see the children often, and limit the impact of the abusive mother.

Sorry btw.. i didn't mean you should feel obliged to respect her - from all you've said that isn't really an option.. what i meant was that if you want to keep a relationship going with your father, you might end up having to be polite to his wife.
If you're rude to her, she will use that to try and stop your father from seeing you. Abusers love to isolate their victims.. and there's no easier way to isolate someone from their family, than to play the ''poor me'' card and say how much it hurts you when such and such is horrible to you. Until your father sees the light, treading carefully with his wife is probably the only option xx
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Re: Father Married to Prostitute

Postby Holodeck » Fri Sep 22, 2017 12:42 pm

Agreed. Though you may not like her choice of occupation, that really isn't the issue here. If she's the manipulator that you describe, she'll easily use any hatred of her job to play the victim card. I can't guarantee your father will ever listen to reason, but I feel it's a bad move to use that as a reason for her being bad. I've also known perfectly lovely people that have worked as sex workers, unfortunately the woman you know is definitely not one.

I certainly hope you find a means to get through to him.
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Re: Father Married to Prostitute

Postby PerplexedMan » Fri Sep 22, 2017 7:52 pm

It's possible that he's in it because he doesn't want to be lonely. But as he said himself, he doesn't want to separate the children from their mother. The funny thing is we told him you don't have to. Most likely under divorce law, the children will be under her custody since she never got caught. The courts would treat it as a regular divorce and we all know who wins those. Previously, he was working with the police to catch her. He was pretty adamant on catching her and wanted her to go to jail. Now he completely changed his mind and even denies that she is a prostitute. As for the children he can just give them to her. Not that she's a good mother to begin with. Either way this is extremely confusing for us because we cannot accept a man acting this way. You find out your wife is a prostitute you divorce her immediately. That's what everyone would do and that's the right thing to do.

As for drugs, none are involved.

His friend mentioned that he should get therapy because he felt that he wasn't acting rationally. I don't think he agreed.

As for what you said about sex workers and respect. We clearly have different perspectives. I don't mean to be vicious towards sex workers but they generally don't have my respect and don't agree with anyone being married to one. Also, in this case, she tricked him into thinking she was a decent wife while she was sleeping with tons of men. That's absolutely disgusting behaviour and is completely unacceptable.
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Re: Father Married to Prostitute

Postby Holodeck » Fri Sep 22, 2017 8:11 pm

One other thought that occurred to me is if blackmail of kind could be involved. No clue about what it could be, but people don't normally go from wanting to arrest someone to suddenly being ok with being treated like that. I find his turn around very strange.
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Re: Father Married to Prostitute

Postby PerplexedMan » Sat Sep 23, 2017 11:17 am

We have thought about that. But I'm not sure that's the case because we have spoken to him many times while she was not around and he didn't mention anything. Surely, he would have mentioned it by now.
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Re: Father Married to Prostitute

Postby Holodeck » Sat Sep 23, 2017 2:39 pm

PerplexedMan wrote:We have thought about that. But I'm not sure that's the case because we have spoken to him many times while she was not around and he didn't mention anything. Surely, he would have mentioned it by now.


Not if he doesn't want family knowing of the blackmail. Again though, it might not even be the reason. Sorry, but can't think of how to help more than that.
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