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My mess.

Open Discussions About Domestic Abuse.

Moderator: Terry E.

My mess.

Postby Crimsonsky » Fri Sep 08, 2017 4:36 pm

I hope I don't get too much hate on here but here's my situation,

I met my husband 8 years ago, he was extremely sweet and romantic and wanted us to get married asap, he proposed to me after 6 months. I had travel to another country to be with him. He started showing some control issues before the wedding and I expressed them to my dad and my dad told me if you want to call the wedding of now do it, but I didn't cause I thought it'll break everyone's heart. I told myself he's just stressed out.

We got married and by 3 months he was calling me a ***** and other things over things like his childhood cat dying and me not being sad enough while he was crying, I blamed myself. He didn't want me to get a job, said he can't afford to get me a car and if I wanted one I should ask my parents to buy me one, and I didn't want to count on my parents so I didn't.

Our first child was born, but things were getting bad and he was starting to get violent with me, shoving me, getting himself food but not me, breaking things, punching walls. All while I was pregnant. I didn't want to tell anyone cause I had no one in this country, I decided to tell his parents and they called me a liar and how their son would never hurt me.

Again I brought up trying to find a job and he told me only if I can pay for my car and the daycare myself, then I thought if I spend all the money I would barely save anything.

One night things got so bad after our son was born and he punched so many walls and I was truly terrified I was going to call 911, but he begged me not to cause he'd lose his job if I did, so I didn't.

I decided to tell my parents, they told me to take it and just deal with it, they didn't believe in divorce, my mom told me why are you making me unhappy sharing this with me!? You're breaking my heart, to my family divorce is a sin. So I stayed. He always showed everyone else that sweet nice face of his, so nobody would believe me or take me seriously when I would open up and tell them. They thought I'm exaggerating. They're also in a whole other continent, even if they wanted to help me, there's not much they can do. I'm stuck here cause I've children here.

I decided I would work on the marriage and give it my all, I started working on myself cause I thought maybe I'm the problem and maybe I'm the one driving him to be this way. Our second child was born, and I thought all was good, until he would wake me up and shake me 2 days after having the baby in anger over anything small, anything that would break or stop working, he'd accuse me of breaking. He'd lose things and accuse me of taking them. He was starting to act really scary again.

He told me he'd change and things started to improve and whenever they got bad I wouldn't tell anyone cause there was no point, there was nothing I could do without money or support or even a place to go to if I left.

Anyway, I decided I was emotionally done for years now, I don't love him, I'm so unhappy and I don't have a way out. Then I found out he was cheating on me on tinder. He has been sleeping on the couch for months so I should have known.

My dad came to visit and he had to be hospitalized cause he had his liver and kidneys fail, my husband didn't sympathize, told me I'm overreacting. My dad died... while visiting me. During that time I met a guy online on a penpal website, he was extremely supportive, called me everyday, I told him everything, I told him I was married but was stuck in a dead end marriage. He told me he's still interested in me, told me how much he liked me, and I felt the same about him. He would call me to just let me talk about my dad and cry. He told me he'd wait and he'll understand and if I wanted to end it he'd understand too, but he knew I had no one supporting me and he said I don't want to leave you when you're going through this. He grew up in an abusive environment and knows what it's like.

I fell in love with him but I refused to meet him. I still haven't met him, we've talked for 5 months and still haven't met him. I tried to end it many times cause I felt like there's no point, I'm stuck in this marriage and I'll just live this miserable forever and that's just the cards this life has dealt me. He told me he'd understand if things ended but that he doesn't want them to.

I tried to talk to my sisters and mother again about getting divorced because of all the abuse and cheating, they told me I'm overreacting and being stupid. Told me I'd struggle so much as a single parent, no one would ever want me or love me. They stopped talking to me actually, cut me off cause I insisted I would get the divorce.

Anyway, I still talk to this guy everyday, I love him but I have never told him. He's never told me he loves me either but we haven't met yet so maybe it's crazy of me to love him.

I've been looking for a job for a few months but haven't found anything, with no experience for years staying home with my kid, I don't blame them for not hiring me.

Now I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I feel horrible for emotionally cheating, I keep thinking oh you're a cheating wife having an affair! You're worthless! End it and leave that new guy, why would he want a train wreck? I should just stay in this marriage forever. My kids will struggle in a divorce and having to give up all nice things they have in life now if their mom is divorced and poor.

But I'm living in fear, if I let this guy go, I might regret it forever. He's so invested and really cares, I feel it...

What do I do? Am I a horrible person? I want out of this marriage, I've wanted to for YEARS, but everyone's cut me off, my dad is dead and my mother is overseas. I've no money or support. I don't know what to do?
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Re: My mess.

Postby SilverRain » Sun Sep 10, 2017 5:01 pm

First, I would document all injuries from him.

Second, and this is the most important thing, honestly and truly, as your self if he is likely to hurt your children. If he is, GET OUT. There are resources for victims of domestic violence. Use them. They will help you and your children to receive the help you need.
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Re: My mess.

Postby Terry E. » Mon Sep 11, 2017 3:27 am

I may see things differently, but you have found a friend who cares. I am not sure why you feel bad about it. Your husband does not love you, you have fallen out of love with him and this stranger helps you get by.

Can I ask how old are the children and is he abusive towards them ??
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