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First time reaching out, but really need advice please

Open Discussions About Domestic Abuse.

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First time reaching out, but really need advice please

Postby SomewhereNew » Wed Jun 07, 2017 4:35 pm

Since I won't use my real name, I will go by the same Sunshine.

To tell my story would take an enormously long time. It spans over 16 years, and this is the first time I've turned to a forum for help because I honestly do not know what else to do.

I am not going to refer to my boyfriend as such because honestly, over the last 14 years of being around him, any love I ever felt for him so very long ago has turned into such a disdain that to be around him puts me in a state of severe depression, anxiety, rage, and loathing. So, for the duration of this post, I will refer to him as "John".

Been in a 16 yr long relationship with John, although for the last 14, I've been trying to get out. We are not married, have never gotten married, (thank goodness), and for those last 14 years I've felt no love whatsoever. Not even a friendship since of the way he's treated me. It started as verbal abuse not even a year into our relationship, then came manipulation, threats, and ultimately, we got into a fight one day and he threatened to "throw me through the sliding glass window" in the living room.

That was the beginning of by far the worst, most destructive, abusive, bullying relationship I had ever been in my entire life. We met in October 2000 and by 2003, I wanted out. He wasn't a drunk, wasn't a druggie, had no addictions. Cheated on me once online but that's really a moot point compared to the real abuse that he's done and still continues to do to this day. In fact, a very bad fight last night that has spilled into today is what prompted me to seek out help for I cannot do this anymore, I cannot be here anymore. What's making it so hard is that every time I've announced that I was leaving the relationships, he'll immediately launch into a vicious "how dare you leave me" mode which results in a cornucopia of threats if I did. The amount of threats and the severe nature of said threats he's thrown at me over all these years are some of the most vile and cruel I have ever known. I akin it to a movie, since some of his threats have been so unbelievably heinous that they almost sound unbelievable. A few times he's threatened to "beat me so bad it'd put me in the hospital", but most of his threats are situational, for lack of a better term.

What I mean is, he doesn't threaten me with physical abuse. He threatens me with ways he would "f*** up my life". How he would turn cold and that he and I would be at "war" if I ever left without him agreeing to terms. Terms. As if I was a contract or something. How he would find out where I moved to and would try to get me evicted. How he would find out where I worked and would get me fired. How he would find out whomever I was dating at the time and would break us up. How he would threaten to contact my son's college and make up false allegations of drug possession or something stupid and would get my son expelled. These are but a few of many threats he has claimed he will do to me if I ever left him.

One of his friends has a brother who is a police chief, and says that if I ever pulled anything, if I ever tried to leave, he'd call his friend who would then have his brother stop me or make it so I would never leave this city and would be either thrown in jail under fabricated charges just to mess with me, and I would then be "dragged back to my boyfriend where he would make sure I would never leave his side again".

I am not making any of this up. I need help. I have no friends, for I am not allowed to have any. I'm not allowed on social media because John knows that if I made friends, I'd tell them of my situation and he would look bad, and the one thing you do not do, is make John look bad. He has to be the victim, he has to be the one who is being treated unfairly since I am the one who wants to leave. How nothing is his fault, it's all mine. How he's done everything for me (lie), and how if I were to leave him, I would be a cold-hearted b**** and I would deserve everything I got from him as a result. His wrath would be cold and evil and he'd "teach me a lesson".

The above threats and reasons are why I haven't left. Staying in this relationship has made me miss out on the last 16 years of my son's life since he lives with my mom. When my father fell ill in 2009, I was "not allowed" to travel to see him and take care of him since John thought if I did, I'd never come back. My father passed in the early part of 2010. I never got to see him. When his cremation and wake were scheduled, I had to literally beg John to let me go. Know what he did? He actually called some of his "in-the-know friends" to find out the name of the funeral home where my father was, just to make sure my story checked out and it wasn't a plan concocted by my mother and myself in order to get me out of the relationship. Yes, he was/is an extraordinarily neurotic, paranoid, suspicious, co-dependent, untrusting man. Way more so than the average person. Honestly, I think he is sociopathic, or has borderline personality disorder. I won't even go into his characteristics or the things he does for it would take much longer.

Case in point, my mother knows about the abuse, I finally got up the courage to tell her a couple of weeks ago and she told me she will come and get me whenever I need to leave. This morning John and I got in a fight about me wanting to leave and he was quick to say, "If you leave without agreeing to terms and agreements, I will call my friend's brother and he'll put a stop to it."

See, the "terms and agreements" are the same ones he's shoved down my throat for the last five years, since over the last five years I've been much more vocal in my disdain for the relationship and living situation (we are pretty much poor), and every time I've said I was leaving, he'd always say, "can't you wait until (insert dumb reason here)" and his requests were/are usually are to wait until he got his life straightened out and stable so then I could.

I've been hearing this request for five years. Our life couldn't be more unstable. More horrible. Poverty-striken. Utterly sad. I know it's all a ploy to make me stay. I know the threats are all a ploy to make me stay. Thing is, I am about ready to call his bluff finally. Each day I'm here, I sink further and further into depression. I hardly sleep. I'm always on edge. I do not trust John one iota. Not a one. He is sneaky, sly, manipulative, selfish, a liar, arrogant, and has a severe martyr syndrome. He has done nothing wrong, whereas I have. He is always right and self-righteous and a "good person", whereas I am always wrong, evil, mean, ungrateful, selfish, and only care about leaving. Well, if my safety and psychological well-being makes me all those things, then so be it. I have put him before myself for so many years out of fear. And it's killing me.

What I am asking for is this. Given the point that his friend's brother is a police chief, how do I circumvent that? Or, do I just say screw it and leave anyway? Just do what I have to do and leave, regardless of the threats? I cannot and will not allow anything to stop me from leaving. I already have three suitcases packed and my mother at the ready to come for me. I have to do this before it kills me. I just need to know if I should just leave and roll the dice, or even if John's friend's brother can even do anything to me in the first place. It's a horrible thing, John, holding this threat over my head but I can't take it anymore. If I don't leave now, like this weekend, I'm afraid I'll breakdown and will lose my strength. I have no friends here, no family, I have absolutely no one. If anyone can help or give advice, please respond or private message me. Thank you for reading and I hope to hear back from someone.
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Re: First time reaching out, but really need advice please

Postby realityhere » Fri Jun 09, 2017 3:31 am

Please think of your safety first and foremost, when and if you decide to leave this man. Leave at a time when you know John will be gone for a while or at work, so you don't have a confrontation with him. Do not even mention that you're going to leave him, and most certainly don't give him a forwarding address. There is the potential that he could turn suddenly physical or violent, if he knows you're walking out the door. Plan your exit carefully, and you can escape either to a relative's home or to a women's shelter in your area.

Once out of there and if he continues to harass you, record everything, all incidents, phone calls, emails, etc and then consult with a pro bono lawyer and have a restraining order against harassment issued to him. Hopefully you can rebuild your life, and there are social services as well as women's employment centers to help women find jobs. Be safe and I wish you well.
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Re: First time reaching out, but really need advice please

Postby Terry E. » Tue Jun 27, 2017 3:25 am

When you are in these situations they become very real and the unbelievable sounds quite credible. It is a method these people use as control. As we see these people getting away with things we lose hope that the boundaries that guide our world do actually work. I know, I have been there. Looking back I cannot believe even though I was young, that such lies could control me.

Now he has a "friend" whose brother is a police chief.

How successful in life is his friend.

How close is his friend to his brother.

Does Police chief owe his brother anything.

Will this Police chief risk breaking the law and throwing away all those years of hard work for someone he does not know to do something totally against the law he has sworn to uphold ??

Take the advice from Reality. Plan ahead, get out, quietly and quickly.

I would also talk to someone in a women's refuge about what law can be enforced to help you get all your assets back. Often you can get an order enforced by police. A women's refuge may be able to give guidance. Maybe they can point you to someone who has been down this road before. But get out .
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