There and back again.

Well, it's late and I just got back from my trip to see Grandmother/Dad/other relatives I haven't seen in years. Thank you everyone for your kind words! Sorry some of which I didn't read till just now

This was a very bittersweet trip for me. Since I forgot my journal I have no idea what I'm gonna talk about in T tomorrow. Maybe I'll print out this post.

I had to call my therapist for the first time ever the day I left cuz I was experiencing some serious cold feet. It was AWFULLY triggering. Maybe just cuz the last time I 'talked' to a T on the phone I was being terminated? I don't know, it just seemed like she sounded annoyed or something. Even if she wasn't, I don't see how I can possibly ever call her again. It just caused way too much chaos in my brain before/during/afterward!!! She had good stuff to say, but I just went into a really bad place after the call...

The first few days I was at my Grandmother's and it was like being in the ######6 TWILIGHT ZONE. Imagine someone taking a building from a dream, and then constructing it in real life. I recognized so many things and objects around that old house, from 12 years ago, yet I don't feel like I have any real memories of visiting either her or my Grandfather, who didn't recognize me when we visited him at the nursing home(he got alzheimers 4 years ago). It just didn't mean much to me because I didn't feel like I had much of a connection to him. I mean, I saw him last when I was 9 or so, and evidently I really liked him, but that's very much gone now. Same story with my Grandmother.

Then I went to my Dad's for a few days. (different state) We watched a video of when my Dad and stepmom got married. Again, almost 10 years old. But this is where it got VERY CREEPY for me. I realized...I remember nothing of this. I feel like I recognize the room where the reception was, but that's it. During the ceremony, a friend watching the video with us said I (the little girl in the video) "looked like I wanted to kill myself." But then at the reception, I'm all joy and happy and talking to my grandmother and dancing...I guess I am just so surprised that I remember none of it. I remember my mother's wedding with my stepdad, I feel, very well, and I was only 5 when that happened. But there's also a lot of sadness here because...I don't get why I can't remember the times I visited my Dad, better. I remember breaking down into uncontrollable tears when he'd drop us off. I remember so desperately not wanting to leave him and not wanting to go home. I remember my mom ignoring me as I cried for him. But my memories with him are so few.

Overall it was a positive trip. Honestly though, I feel like a returned castaway. So many people know me and have heard of me, yet I don't know them; I am the long lost daughter/granddaughter/niece coming back after 12 years. And I can't help but feel like I have missed out on everything. My Dad has spent more years with my stepbrothers(the ones from the marriage when I was 10) than he has spent with me. He has even legally adopted them. I've known all this for awhile but it's slowly starting to sink in. It's all so sad. All these relatives seemed so happy. And I have missed out on so much.

Not to mention they all seem to be very well aware of my mother's "psychological problems," which is still news to me. Some of their stories...it's mind boggling. It's hard to grasp that I could very well have been in the WRONG FAMILY my whole life. And that my mother could be as sick as some of their stories suggest. I mean...she sounds utterly DELUSIONAL, not to mention a pathological LIAR and overall CRUEL, BACKSTABBING, HATEFUL WOMAN. Yet I have always known her to be this completely darling person. My uncle said she is such a charmer, great personality, but when you get to know her she causes absolute mayhem. I hate to say it but I believe him. Ugh did she seriously raise me???

Wow - no wonder you are feeling a bit chaotic with all that going on. I know it's hard to not project things onto your therapist about her being annoyed or whatever but it sounds like you really need a safe secure base at the moment so I hope you can work through this.

Just wanted to say I've been thinking of you lots and missed you around here.

Bourbon

Divided, this is so poignant a tale. I'm glad you've learned all this and I can so relate. I wasn't aware until this year just how very sick and twisted my mother was. From a last visit with her and then from attending her funeral, I was able to figure out some remaining questions and gain a great deal of closure. But it was terrifically sad to remember all the insane, horrible things she did to me and on top of that to know that I wouldn't be half the mess I am if I had been raised by almost anyone else. I'm very glad you feel certain now of what the reality has been. That's critical and it will be important to hold on to, if you even could un-learn it.

I feel so sorry for what you went through. The good thing is that you are young and there is more than enough time to heal from the damage she inflicted. If she is as unhealthy as they say and as you have described (and is there any reason to doubt?), I wouldn't plan on her righting the wrongs, apologizing, confirming anything, or responding in a way that isn't negative. She doesn't sound and may not be capable of it.

You may remember her and have interacted with her as a sweet woman because that's what you had to do to survive, both in her presence and psychologically. My estranged sister just visited me the other night for the first time in about six years and we had a great time almost as if no time had passed. She described exactly the behavior to our mother that I imagine you had, based on your positive belief about her. On the outside, she interacted with my mother as if she were sweet. But because she didn't have DID, inside she knew. When she was a young adult, one day she simply cut all ties to her and never spoke to her again, only corresponding via a few letters the last couple years.

When parents are abusive to a child, it's best that that child maintain a relationship with that parent as if they weren't always abusive. The one benefit of DID may be that it can allow you some level of attachment with the caregiver during the non-abusive moments. My sister wasn't able to attain any level of attachment like I did and she will never be able to trust people as fully as I can.

Somewhere inside you remember the events of the past. It's extremely unlikely they've disappeared. Oh yeah, I love the Hobbit reference of this thread's title. It seems fitting for your journey.

T-update...

Just went and saw my therapist this morning. Damn did it feel great to tell someone about all this! I even showed her some photographs my grandmother gave me of when I was little, so I was able to better put into words how confusing it is that I don't remember all those happy times.

From what I told her of my mom she said it sounded like she has either paranoid personality disorder or paranoid schyzophrenia. It helps so much to at least make some sense of my mom's behavior.

We also talked about my diagnosis...she confused me though cuz she said she had started to think I had PTSD, but now she's not so sure, and is just leaving it at anxiety disorder. Which is obviously fine with me, the fewer labels the better. But I don't understand where the possible PTSD diagnosis came from... She said we've talked about trauma, but I don't get how anything I've gone through could cause PTSD. There's childhood trauma I suppose, but not enough to cause PTSD in my opinion.

LOL my life just gets weirder and weirder...........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- Wed Nov 30, 2011 12:52 pm --

bourbon wrote:Wow - no wonder you are feeling a bit chaotic with all that going on. I know it's hard to not project things onto your therapist about her being annoyed or whatever but it sounds like you really need a safe secure base at the moment so I hope you can work through this

Thank you...it helps to have that validation.

Johnny-Jack wrote:I feel so sorry for what you went through. The good thing is that you are young and there is more than enough time to heal from the damage she inflicted. If she is as unhealthy as they say and as you have described (and is there any reason to doubt?), I wouldn't plan on her righting the wrongs, apologizing, confirming anything, or responding in a way that isn't negative. She doesn't sound and may not be capable of it.

I always love your responses johnny-jack. Thank you so much for your insight.