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Questions for both DID folks & DDNOS's

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Questions for both DID folks & DDNOS's

Postby brandic » Thu Jul 14, 2011 11:30 pm

Okay so I'm still on my constant quest for finding out more... So...

Those of you who think you are on the DID/DDNOS scale, I am interested in your feedback! I want to know how similar our experiences are.

1. Do you have alters? If so, how did you discover them/how did they make themselves known to you? Also, are they distinct, clear-cut personalities or are they more amorphous? (or both?)

2. How would you describe your system and the way you operate? How is it decided who will be "out front", or is that a conscious decision?

3. In your system, is it usually one part who has control at a time? Or does there always seem to be some sort of overlap/co-consciousness/"blending"? (or both?)

5. Is it always clear to you who's "out"?

6. Do you have a gatekeeper? If so, what are his/her/its functions?

7. Do you "switch"? If so, could you describe what this feels like/how this takes place? Is it obvious when it occurs?

8. Do you have an "internal world"? If so, when and why was it created?

9. Do you think your DID/DDNOS stems from an attachment issue related to a primary caregiver?

10. What confuses you about having DDNOS (versus being officially "DID")?


Thanks everyone!!!
~Caroline

************************************************

EDIT: Please don't feel like you have to answer all of the questions. Answer any/all that feel relevant for you. I guess I really just want to know how others who aren't DID (but who have many of the symptoms) experience it. I'm still so confused about everything, and trying to figure it out. So any info from others experiences would be helpful. Thanks!
~C
Last edited by brandic on Fri Jul 15, 2011 10:43 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Dx - DID

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Re: Check In: Those with DDNOS

Postby sev0n » Fri Jul 15, 2011 12:54 am

I think I meet all the criteria for DID, which is more confirmed than ever after my T today. I do loose time and I do have different alters that take control, but I have enough in common with DDNOS that I can answer your questions too... I have a lot of co-consciousness.

1. Do you have alters? If so, how did you discover them/how did they make themselves known to you? Also, are they distinct, clear-cut personalities or are they more amorphous? (or both?)
Started with epileptic-like convulsions/flashbacks. My 2 ANP's are total opposites and appear as complete as any human. My EP's are very disturbed and unable to function long outside.

2. How would you describe your system and the way you operate? How is it decided who will be "out front", or is that a conscious decision?
I have no control over it at all. I do know if I gain weight it keeps my sexual/emotional AP away though. I hate when the emotional ones comes out! She gets so out of control. I really hate emotions.

3. In your system, is it usually one part who has control at a time? Or does there always seem to be some sort of overlap/co-consciousness/"blending"? (or both?)
I am in control most of the time right now, but she tries to come many times during the day, but she is not able to stay long. The EP's are only a split second away at any time but don't take control for extended periods of time like my ANP's. With their PTSD they would not be able to be around people or they would be terrified all the time.

5. Is it always clear to you who's "out"?
With my ANP's it is much more clear. One detests emotion!!! The other is an emotional mess! But this could be seen as moody or just a change of mood in a person. My EP's jump at the slightest sound, they frown, they are visibly terrified. You would have to know them well to know one from the other. I even have trouble sometimes.

6. Do you have a gatekeeper? If so, what are his/her/its functions?
If this is the same as an ISH I do. She listens in therapy and reads with me. The job is to do internal therapy, while my T does external therapy.

7. Do you "switch"? If so, could you describe what this feels like/how this takes place? Is it obvious when it occurs?
My 2 ANP's switch often. This one typing likes to talk and will go on about complicated things, and when a switch occurs, my emotional ANP is at a total loss and cannot take over. She has a poor memory and its hard for her to think. She gets upset that she cannot finish and has spent years covering that up, but now she stops and tries to remember. If there is no dialogue going, the switch is much easier. There is no control that I know of for us. It just happens all day long, but right now - home with my kids I have most control. Away from my kids, in the dating world, the other does. Switching with an EP is more like outbursts of emotion, like anger. The worst is feeling abandoned. The others can hardly handle that. I can if they don't try and take over.

8. Do you have an "internal world"? If so, when and why was it created?
I have never seen it. I assume its there. I have made a safe place for everyone to go.

9. Do you think your DID/DDNOS stems from an attachment issue related to a primary caregiver?
Of course. Father sexually abused and beat me. Mother blamed me for that and hated me. Tried to drown me, kept me locked up and verbally abused me.

10. What confuses you about having DDNOS (versus being officially "DID")?
My T and I had to sort out my ANP's. After that it was easy to tell and to see us switch. They do it often in therapy. Also she is not trying to cover it as much now. I have no trouble because she is dumb and I can always finish what she is talking about. My EP's only come out in T if asked to.
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Re: Check In: Those with DDNOS

Postby TheCollective » Fri Jul 15, 2011 10:30 pm

I believe DDnos means that there is no time-loss and that there is only one ANP? I'm not sure what the differences are, but I like the topic :) and want to answer anyway. But it is going to be a long post though. It took me more than 4 hours to do this. And yeah add some more time for the control part..

1. Do you have alters? If so, how did you discover them/how did they make themselves known to you? Also, are they distinct, clear-cut personalities or are they more amorphous? (or both?)
-There are alters that I met, as they came to be, so starting as young as 2 years of age and on. There were also alters that I met, once I was out of the situation. There is also a few that I discovered while using Magic Mushrooms :oops: (was not a good experience). A few that I didn't know ( who seemed asleep?), awoke after a series of bad therapy experiences, so I had to familiarize with them too.
Yes, most are distinct clear-cut personalities. Even though we try to work together and some try to mix in, we simply are very different.

2. How would you describe your system and the way you operate? How is it decided who will be "out front", or is that a conscious decision?
-The Collective. People inside the collective know (and try to get over the shock of) that they share the body. They can talk to each other and transfer things that need to be said, fairly easily a lot of the times, in comparison to the others. The changes between us resemble changes in moods or changes in concentration if it needs to be like that. The changes are also sometimes easier to call on or hold in. But mostly it is made of chance; "who is best fit for" and/or "who cannot do". Triggers are weird, they can sometimes put the wrong one out. I do not understand. Most of us have known most of us for most of our life, and are building our way into being as much co-conscious as is safe for the ones involved.
Non-Collective. Means that not everyone inside the collective, can talk to the ones that are described here, easily. Most inside the non-collective category choose to stay in the background. The contact that some of us do have with the ones that are described here, varies with the alter in many ways. Some of us have some kind of contact with some of them. This means that when the alters described here come forward, there is a bigger to full blown change, and a bigger chance of total amnesia. Luckily they also come forward much less most of the time.
Cause problems. Usually some of the collective have contact with those described here, but they will not cooperate. Even at times that they do try, to an extend, on the condition of not being bothered with things of our life, the changes will be very obvious. Also there may be total amnesia or (almost) total co-awareness but no control at all. Fun times..not...
Gatekeeper plays a big role as to what goes out. Described in Q6.

3. In your system, is it usually one part who has control at a time? Or does there always seem to be some sort of overlap/co-consciousness/"blending"? (or both?)
-It depends on how much and what kind of contact the alter who is out, has with the rest. Which differs with every alter, and then it depends on how the alters that the front runner has contact with are doing, or if they are close or not. It also depends on how influence-able the front-runner is, how strong his/her own boundaries are. We are definitely not always co-conscious, though some of us are a lot.

Q4 is missing :D

5. Is it always clear to you who's "out"?
-no. Some alters seem too much alike because I dont know them well enough. Some also try to fool me by lying about who they are, taking advantage of me not being able to distinguish them.
Sometimes I switch so much I cant keep up or dont want to.

6. Do you have a gatekeeper? If so, what are his/her/its functions?
-Her function was to get us safe in the past. That's why she ended up being an "inbetween" for us and the frontrunner at the moment, filtering the in-and out-box. She does not determine who is out, she determines which influence from inside, she will or wont allow to reach the consciousness of the person who is out front, and the same way, what reaches the inners and what not. She can take over if she has to, but she is sort of "bigger than life"(hard to explain) and it's(earth's?) not her place to be at all. She is Inner Self Help for whoever needs it. Because of that, she gained even more knowledge to help us out. She fulfilled a key role in getting us to know us, and staying in contact with each other too. We used to think she's an angel. Some dont think that nice of her though. She has no feelings but she still has so much compassion, may be the wrong word, she is just a bottomless pit with enough arms so to speak. She has a lot of wisdom to share, which she has done and will keep on doing. For a large part, she helped us to survive and grow up and be nurtured, by giving wisdom. I am so glad she's here.

7. Do you "switch"? If so, could you describe what this feels like/how this takes place? Is it obvious when it occurs?
-It depends on who's out, how obvious it is. Some care very much about appearing within the usual lines, some dont at all, and others just cant do that.
It feels like adrenaline in my stomach. And then I start to see blurry and get cold and maybe dizzy. The inside gets louder than the outside. My heart may pound too. And sometimes I just get sucked in, not really anyone being really present, and sometimes we switch. The switches occur when it's needed or when the alter is free to do so, or when we are out of control of it. I think in an unlucky moment switching between usual front-runners could be noticed while it happens, but I think we can hide switching between those, better than being sucked in.

8. Do you have an "internal world"? If so, when and why was it created?
-Yes. It was not created that I know of. It was just here. I dont know why. I do know that, by means of the inner world, my dominant little connected with R, G, B and E, when she needed to retreat from this life. Far before I knew some of them.

9. Do you think your DID/DDNOS stems from an attachment issue related to a primary caregiver? -Yes. one way or the other. I know that there was abuse, at least to an extend of total invisibility, fear for life, abandonment and unpredictability, all recurring/for ongoing periods of time.
Feelings towards certain people are certainly very torn but I want to push that I do not blame most of them for how it's all happened because they are trapped in an abusive life-cycle for themselves. It is only the job of damaged people like us to break the cycle.
But even if there would not have been abuse, abuse as in no adversely taught direction, but "merely" no help in connecting the parts, I am still the direct example of unconnected parts of me, and I suffer from that every day. I am not sure whether that will ever go away or get much better. Even though some of us have gotten or are getting handy in connecting us, it still is not one. I hope that continuing to figure it all out will do the trick some day.

10. What confuses you about having DDNOS/DID?
So many things confuse every one of us.. I really need help with finding out a lot of things and merging them cause I'm not sure if I want to live like this at all.

Greetings from us :) We think it's nice to share things with people who are trying to understand too.
Last edited by TheCollective on Sat Jul 16, 2011 8:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
~TheCollective, F. 30
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Re: Questions for both DID folks & DDNOS's

Postby Una+ » Fri Jul 15, 2011 11:14 pm

I am formally diagnosed DDNOS but, just as is the case for many others here, it is only pending clear evidence to support a diagnosis of DID.

1. Do you have alters? If so, how did you discover them/how did they make themselves known to you? Also, are they distinct, clear-cut personalities or are they more amorphous? (or both?)
Yes. Two of them took control of my body to protect me during a traumatic event when I was 16, and when I was 46 the same two became co-conscious with me briefly to reveal to me that they were listening in on a phone call I was having at the time. They are distinct, but I don't know exactly how; they each have a different "feel" to them.

2. How would you describe your system and the way you operate? How is it decided who will be "out front", or is that a conscious decision?
I am out front almost always. Very rarely I lose time, and when I do usually I don't know it has happened. I don't know who controls any of this, but I sense that how my system works is changing. Now that I am aware, I think I am gaining control in the sense that the others are trusting me more. My leadership style is bottom-up.

3. In your system, is it usually one part who has control at a time? Or does there always seem to be some sort of overlap/co-consciousness/"blending"? (or both?)
I am almost always in control, and until last year only rarely did I experience any blending or other phenomena of DID. Now it happens daily, sometimes almost continually.

5. Is it always clear to you who's "out"?
No. Sometimes I hear myself say something I was not thinking, that startles me and I try almost by reflex to disavow it. So now I suspect I am being influenced far more than I realize.

6. Do you have a gatekeeper? If so, what are his/her/its functions?
I don't know.

7. Do you "switch"? If so, could you describe what this feels like/how this takes place? Is it obvious when it occurs?
Yes. I lose time. I don't know if it is obvious.

8. Do you have an "internal world"? If so, when and why was it created?
Not so far as I know. But like I said, I am almost always out front and when I am not then I lose time.

9. Do you think your DID/DDNOS stems from an attachment issue related to a primary caregiver?
Yes, but issues with the primary caregiver go far beyond attachment.

10. What confuses you about having DDNOS/DID?
Right now, nothing.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.

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Re: Questions for both DID folks & DDNOS's

Postby pheonixrise » Sat Jul 16, 2011 6:44 am

1. Do you have alters? If so, how did you discover them/how did they make themselves known to you? Also, are they distinct, clear-cut personalities or are they more amorphous? (or both?)

Yes, I have alters. I discovered them while trying to heal my "inner child"... turns out I actually have a few of those! Most of them are very distinct, but there are a few that seem to nearly blend in with each other.

2. How would you describe your system and the way you operate? How is it decided who will be "out front", or is that a conscious decision?

We have three sub systems. The first one has most of the alters who can be out, the third has most of the alters and fragments with the nasty memories, and the second has the introjects, persecutors, and a few nicer alters.

I'm almost always out front. Generally I only go inside if I'm overwhelmed, too depressed to take care of anything, or if one of the others really badly wants to be out.

3. In your system, is it usually one part who has control at a time? Or does there always seem to be some sort of overlap/co-consciousness/"blending"? (or both?)

We almost always have one part out at a time now, though some of us can co-host if necessary.

5. Is it always clear to you who's "out"?

Almost always. Usually the only confusion comes when someone from system 2 or 3 that we haven't met yet is out.

6. Do you have a gatekeeper? If so, what are his/her/its functions?

Yes, we do. We refer to our gatekeeper as a male, though he is technically genderless. When I first found out about the others, his role was to keep me out and the others in, so that I wasn't overwhelmed by switching, co-hosting or losing time. He rarely ever comes out, he's been out twice that I know of in times where there was no one in the body who wanted to be out. So he took control long enough to literally drag another alter out. Now he really only does anything when we're under a lot of stress and need the extra help with rotating who's out to get through.

7. Do you "switch"? If so, could you describe what this feels like/how this takes place? Is it obvious when it occurs?

Yes, though it's hard to describe. It feels almost like I'm being sucked out of my head through a black hole to switch from out to in, and like waking up to switch the other way around. It's not usually obvious when a switch happens, generally my husband is the only person outside of us that sees it, and even then he doesn't notice every switch.

8. Do you have an "internal world"? If so, when and why was it created?

Yes (: I've only just learned of it in the last year or so, and I love it. Each of our sub-systems has it's own section of the internal world. The area system 3 has was the original landscape, and was made to give alters and fragments somewhere to hide (it's very dark and full of caves). The system 1 landscape was made next, containing plenty of homes for the alters who take care of the body and our life in general. In time, the space between both either got pushed apart or overgrew, and it's now a mix of both - plenty of places to hide, but also places to live.

9. Do you think your DID/DDNOS stems from an attachment issue related to a primary caregiver?

No, I can relate it back directly to the abuse I went through as a child. One of the first alters to have been created remembers that the first time she 'woke up', it was to the abuse.
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Re: Questions for both DID folks & DDNOS's

Postby Feathers » Sat Jul 16, 2011 9:45 am

Just stating beforehand that I'm not officially diagnosed as DID/DDNOS.

1. Do you have alters? If so, how did you discover them/how did they make themselves known to you? Also, are they distinct, clear-cut personalities or are they more amorphous? (or both?)

Yes. There are at least 8, listed in my sig. Firstly I started with convulsions and eventually voices, quiet thought-like voices. Don't hear the voices much anymore. They are mostly entirely clear-cut personalities.

2. How would you describe your system and the way you operate? How is it decided who will be "out front", or is that a conscious decision?

I can voluntarily switch most of the time, sometimes I can't. Sometimes alters come out of their own accord, sometimes I ask them to.

3. In your system, is it usually one part who has control at a time? Or does there always seem to be some sort of overlap/co-consciousness/"blending"? (or both?)

Yeah it is usually one part at a time.

5. Is it always clear to you who's "out"?

Most of the time. However at the minute I don't even know who I am.

6. Do you have a gatekeeper? If so, what are his/her/its functions?

I'm not clear on what a gatekeeper is.

7. Do you "switch"? If so, could you describe what this feels like/how this takes place? Is it obvious when it occurs?

It's obvious, yes. I get a feeling in my head, like a pressure, so I know I'm switching. Sometimes I'll twitch a lot, or lose feeling in my legs or arms.

8. Do you have an "internal world"? If so, when and why was it created?

No.

9. Do you think your DID/DDNOS stems from an attachment issue related to a primary caregiver?

We don't know.

10. What confuses you about having DDNOS (versus being officially "DID")?

No idea what the difference is.
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Re: Questions for both DID folks & DDNOS's

Postby LittleRedDog » Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:38 am

1. Do you have alters? If so, how did you discover them/how did they make themselves known to you? Also, are they distinct, clear-cut personalities or are they more amorphous? (or both?)

I do. I have a lot of dreams about the people in my head who I then turn into characters. As I wrote about them more and more, I realized that these "characters" were different than all the other characters I'd ever written. I couldn't make them do what I wanted, or change them and while I do "hear" someone I make up, these "characters" seem to have a continuous dialogue and ideas that I don't as well as beliefs that I don't. It started to occur to me that maybe something wasn't normal when I tried to explain that sometimes the "characters" could control me instead of me controlling them and them being convinced they were/are different people.

2. How would you describe your system and the way you operate? How is it decided who will be "out front", or is that a conscious decision?

Usually E or I are in the driver's seat so to speak, sometimes squished together and sometimes one observant of the other with in put. There are several other parts that can function (such as S3 or G or V2) and some that can function minimally for a short period of time (C) and those that just can't function in any normal manner (V, the children).

3. In your system, is it usually one part who has control at a time? Or does there always seem to be some sort of overlap/co-consciousness/"blending"? (or both?)

Now it seems there's a lot more blending and/or co-consciousness than there used to be. Before we would hang out, but it was like there was a small wall we were stepping around or peering around, if that makes sense.

5. Is it always clear to you who's "out"?

No.

6. Do you have a gatekeeper? If so, what are his/her/its functions?

I'm not sure. I have a few who could fit that role, but I'm not sure they do.

7. Do you "switch"? If so, could you describe what this feels like/how this takes place? Is it obvious when it occurs?

I know when I switch to a little, the change is obvious in my face. Some of the others, the carriage of the body, the expressions, body language, it's all different. Ex: E gestures mostly with her right hand, I gesture with my left. Sometimes I have memories as if someone were trying to remind me of something as I happened to be falling asleep. I'm not sure that makes sense. I have a vague sense of recollection or...sort of a glossing effect. I know something happened. I know it pertained to X, but I can't give you anymore details than that. Sometimes I remember nothing at all.

8. Do you have an "internal world"? If so, when and why was it created?

Yes. I don't know.

9. Do you think your DID/DDNOS stems from an attachment issue related to a primary caregiver?

Yes, but at this point it's almost entirely speculation since I don't have any memories and not everyone is willing to talk.

10. What confuses you about having DDNOS (versus being officially "DID")?

C doesn't want me to answer this right now and since I have to go to work, I may come back to this if she feels more comfortable with it.
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Postby Kerry H » Sat Jul 16, 2011 7:35 pm

Question one.

I have 3 bits. I'm not sure which are alters and which is real, because I started life as one person, so one must be more real than the others? I don't know. They all feel real to me. I don't know when exactly or why I became 2 bits, I just was. I thought it was normal, because everyone talks to themself right? But I guess I was wrong. The 3rd bit, there was screaming in my head that didn't belong to either of us. When we realised that we wondered where the screaming came from and then we saw, so then there was 3 bits. I say they are all me, they are not separate people or "voices" in my head. They have their own opinions and emotions. I don't know what "amorphous" means so I can't answer that part. X
I feel like hiding.
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Re: Questions for both DID folks & DDNOS's

Postby yakusoku » Sat Jul 16, 2011 9:22 pm

1. Do you have alters? If so, how did you discover them/how did they make themselves known to you? Also, are they distinct, clear-cut personalities or are they more amorphous? (or both?)
Yes. I was considering them "states" for the longest time, but when I started having more distinct internal voices, names, images of them or their surroundings in my "inner world," I started to understand they were more than just "a way I get" like I had been telling my T for the first six or seven months of therapy.

2. How would you describe your system and the way you operate? How is it decided who will be "out front", or is that a conscious decision?
I'm still new to mapping, so my sense is that there may be a few more parts that I haven't been formally introduced to...otherwise there are either fragments that aren't full-fledged parts or groups that have been passing as single parts and I am now noticing are more complex than I first imagined. We have always just operated automatically, whoever gets triggered or is needed surfaces. There is very little in the way of planning and I can't even manage to get out of the way when I want to.

3. In your system, is it usually one part who has control at a time? Or does there always seem to be some sort of overlap/co-consciousness/"blending"? (or both?)
It is nearly always overlap, co-consciousness or blending. In the cases where I completely lose time...well, I completely lose time, so I don't know what happens. Sometimes I seem to be given a "filler" memory that explains in general what went on, so I don't notice that I was gone, especially if it is only minutes (which it often is). My general experiences ranges from being "pushed back" into an observer mode when I just think/feel/act as another part while knowing in the very back of my mind, "Wait, that's not me!" to hearing their commentary to feeling like both me and some other part at the same time, like we are strapped in the same seatbelt together in car, all smushed together.

5. Is it always clear to you who's "out"?
Since I have gotten to know them in more detail, it is nearly always clear who is out, either while they are out or immediately after they retreat. Sometimes someone new (haven't formally been introduced to) seems to be out and then I make a lot of confusing guesses about ones who I do know before figuring out that it is someone else that I need to learn more about.

6. Do you have a gatekeeper? If so, what are his/her/its functions?
Yes, sort of. My Objective Observer is kind of like an ISH and a gatekeeper of sorts, I guess. It is a gatekeeper of information about my inner world, but it doesn't exert any control over switching. It kind of just moderates what both myself and my T are allowed to know about the system. I have other parts responsible for regulating and they sometimes put up what I call a "wall," which is a part whose only job seems to be to jam me, put up resistance to acting in certain ways or communicating certain things. It's like a stern, emotionless father whose job is to say "No" all the time.

7. Do you "switch"? If so, could you describe what this feels like/how this takes place? Is it obvious when it occurs?
I really don't know. The episodes of obvious time loss that I have are so disorienting that I cannot often tell what triggered them and take a bit to reorient myself afterward. So, I assume I switch, but most of my experiences are as described above. I do feel various sensations, even with blending or co-presence. Sometimes I feel pushed or pulled, sometimes I feel "crowded" or like my head has suddenly gotten dense. Sometimes I get extreme depersonalization. Sometimes it feels as if I have no permission to move my arms and legs, like they don't even belong to me. But, I'm not sure how many of these are aspects of partial switches or how many are just other dissociative experiences.

8. Do you have an "internal world"? If so, when and why was it created?
Yes, and I have no idea when it was created. I have always had inner visualizations that I just considered to be what normal people would call daydreams. Most of it based on real places in my life. I think the visualization is a method of organization information about my selves and a way of them communicating with me. For example, even if I am not "feeling" my little one's emotions, she can show me that she is scared when I see her hiding in the closet or that she feels safe when she climbs into bed to have a rest.

9. Do you think your DID/DDNOS stems from an attachment issue related to a primary caregiver?
Yes, very obviously so. The fact that T makes everyone so noisy and freaked out makes me certain that my issues with disorganized attachment and attachment phobias, which I have known about for years without knowing I might be DID, are highly interrelated. I pretty much never bonded with my mother, as far as I can tell. I had repeated, traumatizing abandonment by a father who I was more connected to. I also had a grandmother who was a major attachment figure, but turns out (I am just now realizing) was extremely shaming. All of these people managed to leave me pretty unprotected, I am discovering. So yeah, attachment drama galore.

10. What confuses you about having DDNOS (versus being officially "DID")?
My major confusion is why the distinction is even necessary to the mental health field if the experience is so similar and the treatment pretty much exactly the same. It seems they should just come up with one designation that includes both and identify each patient by the unique expression of their internal systems.
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Postby Kerry H » Sat Jul 16, 2011 10:15 pm

Question 8:

My internal world is just a quiet dark corner. I like those on the outside too! X
I feel like hiding.
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