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Alter in love was a mystery to me

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Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby Una+ » Thu May 19, 2011 9:19 pm

From another thread:

Una+ wrote:Here is a conversation that took place yesterday, between me and a very close friend who has been listening to me talk about my crisis from the start, first PTSD then DID. My crisis began when an insider fell in love with a stranger.

Friend: "I still don't know what you see in this guy."

Me, shrieking and sobbing: "That's exactly the point, I don't know either, it isn't me who is in love with this guy!"


carpediem46 wrote:Haha, I've had the exact same problem Una!
Sophie fell in love with someone I had no idea about, so when I was me, I'd feel this overwelming feeling of lust but had no idea who it was aimed at!


Please, please tell me more about this, CD. I spent most of a year fearing I had a tumor or was going crazy or something, because I was crazed with sexual arousal and desire. Exercises in mindfulness and being present only made it worse. I did eventually accept that the feelings were directed at someone, but I was bewildered as to why. Right now I am very, very confused. Do these feelings belong only to my alter, or do I share them?
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.

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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby carpediem46 » Thu May 19, 2011 10:54 pm

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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby J3f » Fri May 20, 2011 12:25 am

Please, please tell me more about this, CD. I spent most of a year fearing I had a tumor or was going crazy or something, because I was crazed with sexual arousal and desire. Exercises in mindfulness and being present only made it worse. I did eventually accept that the feelings were directed at someone, but I was bewildered as to why. Right now I am very, very confused. Do these feelings belong only to my alter, or do I share them?


This reminds of yesterday when a girl in my class accidentally cut her finger and a little bit of blood dripped out. Jake was up front and he can't stand to look at gore or a lot of blood. None the less he felt elated, because Freud absolutely loves blood. An alters feeling can spread from them to you, especially strong feelings. If you don't know why your feeling something that's probably why

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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby Una+ » Fri May 20, 2011 9:42 pm

For me, it began with a handshake with a stranger in an ordinary social encounter. I didn't encounter the man again for about 6 months, and during all that time I felt sexual arousal not connected with anyone. I felt the connection to the man after the second encounter, and that is when the emotions started. A month later, during a third encounter, the thought "I love him" popped into my head and I became infatuated and frightened. I could not take it, so in a fourth encounter a few weeks later I disclosed to him all that I was aware of, and that I had to limit contact with him. He opted for no contact and he labeled my speaking to him as pursuit. When he said that word, suddenly I felt two presences and I heard a voice in my head comment yes. I recognized the presences and the voice; I had experienced them during a traumatic event 30 years ago. I started therapy for what I thought was late onset PTSD resulting from that event, and somehow triggered by this man. He has not harmed me in any way. I have no personal relationship with this man and as far as I know neither does the insider who fell for him. How and why this happened remains a mystery to me, but it seems clear that the insider in question needs therapy for love addiction.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.

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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby carpediem46 » Fri May 20, 2011 10:04 pm

Wow, how did you explain the situation to him?
That's amazing how that came about, and how he's never harmed you but it's triggered you so badly. I'm so sorry. Has your insider sought help for this yet?
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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby Una+ » Fri May 20, 2011 10:55 pm

carpediem46 wrote:Wow, how did you explain the situation to him?


I said what I knew: I was in love with him and very uncomfortable; I didn't know him and my feelings for him were not in character for me; I was on the verge of a panic attack; I needed help; and I was really sorry for disturbing him with my stuff.

carpediem46 wrote:That's amazing how that came about, and how he's never harmed you but it's triggered you so badly. I'm so sorry.


I wish I knew what about him triggers me. At this point I know of 4 insiders, and I have reason to think all of them are activated by him. If only he would talk to me.


carpediem46 wrote:Has your insider sought help for this yet?


This insider now floods me almost constantly with emotions and intuitions about other people, but has never spoken to me and maybe cannot speak. It is another insider who said yes; that insider's job seems to be to suppress the first insider. No one is talking yet.

Anyway, this is all very new and foreign to me, and I am searching for information and trying to make sense of what is happening to me. I am hoping that anyone reading my story who feels it resonates in some way will share their own story.
Last edited by Una+ on Sat May 21, 2011 3:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.

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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby carpediem46 » Fri May 20, 2011 11:46 pm

Is they know way he would talk to you?
I'm so sorry I couldn't help more, I wish I had more insight on why you're feeling like this.
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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby Una+ » Sat May 21, 2011 3:33 am

I asked the man to talk. He refused. Only later did I realize that during the last encounter with him I switched out, I lost time. Fortunately it was not long and it happened in public with other people around. When I came back the scene was mostly unchanged but I felt disoriented (hey, who ate my lunch!?) and he was looking at me strangely. I guess he had enough of whoever came out while I lost time.

After realizing I have DID, for a few weeks I thought I never lost time. What a laugh. And then, watching the 1976 version of Sybil (starring Sally Field), I noticed some split second blanks in scenes in the therapist's office. This is a subtle special effect in the movie. My husband didn't even notice it. I, however, was suddenly violently aware that the blanks were subjective passages of lost time, and I was horrified because they were familiar. That is when I realized I had lost time with this man. Now I have an inventory of lost times.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.

Is your dx DID (or MPD/DDNOS/OSDD)? Join the 2017 survey: Time to diagnosis?
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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby Una+ » Sun May 22, 2011 2:20 pm

What do you all think about the idea that DID at its core is an attachment disorder? Peter Barach likes the idea: http://www.peterbarach.com/MPD%20as%20a ... sorder.htm

I think my alter has a very powerful attachment to this man. In therapy I am developing a healthy attachment to my therapist (as expected) but so far he has not managed to connect with this alter so the alter's attachment issues are not yet accessible to therapy. To me this alter's attachment is like an itch I cannot scratch. None of my alters seem to be attached to my husband.

Last night, while I was talking to my husband about my therapy, suddenly I was blocked and overwhelmed and unable to speak. It felt like this alter was trying very urgently to talk at the same time I was and the two of us together jammed up a channel in my brain. This was a frightening experience for me and my husband but I am hopeful that it is a step forward to establishing verbal communication with this alter. My attachment to my therapist is relevant here. The blockage happened as I was talking about how I have imaginary conversations with him (I imagine, rehearse, what I want to report to him in the next therapy session) and lately whenever I imagine addressing my therapist by name a voice in my head talks right over my imaginary voice and says the man's name. The blockage last night happened just as I was mentioning this to my husband.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.

Is your dx DID (or MPD/DDNOS/OSDD)? Join the 2017 survey: Time to diagnosis?
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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby carpediem46 » Sun May 22, 2011 4:03 pm

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