memories disconnected with emotions

So i am having memories that i have no control over , but mostly carry informations about my childhood, adoloscence and early adulthood. Now i am 28 years old and this is making me mourn at different times thorugh the day. I feel heavy grief that i lost all those times to my disorder and also heavy anxiety that the same will happen to future and happening in presence as well.

I had Trauma and Body dysmorphia and Dissociate Disorder(self diagnosed).I feel so sad like for past one month i was simply travelling and i gone through some of my old school are and al. When i go there i feel the guy like a third person who was walking through those roads with full of mental thoughts in his mind. I see it like a third person view which made me feel so sad for that young little man who deserved a lot like other guys.

That perspective of wishing for a different reality is sometimes so big that i cry because i am powerless over it.

Its gone from some flashes to 3dimensional experiances and most days now i see dreans where i argue with college students. college students makes me weep so hard that they represent the life i lost during my early adulthood.

Mostly it is connected to lack of intimacy i experianced during those crucial times. I had love interests and i had signals and i also had sometimes women chasing behind me you know like in all such romantic movies. the thing is i enjoyed those at times but really none of them ended up well thats what made me so depressed. Like when i compare it with them for them they had the enjoyment i had but they dont get to experiance the life like me.

I curse myself because of my condition, All my friends atleast get beeter became self dependent. doctors, engineers, ca's, and some who were somewhat like me also get better and became bussiness managers and all. I am the one who never reached anywhere still staying inside home all time,

and it was because i was thinking like crazy i decided to do this. i am so sad now. whatever nothing will get better you see. my addictions are getting worse day by day and i dont think anything is gonna helpme'

the doctotsgave me some meds and some of them i take for relief but when life is completely upon addiction i can say my life is nearing doom but those old sweet memproes of me doing dances in stage and wising i became a celebrity. those days over i still rememebr the night function before my trauma where my dance somewhat became like a sensation.

I see I was performing infront of 1000s and some of them posting in social media even tagging me. those day will never come back its gone. those are the time i belive why god did that. why god took the most precious moments in my life from me. and what did i do wrong for that?

Just a note that I'm leaving this here, for now. As a moderator, I'm not at all sure this is DID, although it does seem a bit dissociative- I was perhaps thinking the Dissociative Fugue forum.

However, that's not a judgment call I'm quite willing to make yet, until there's some interaction here in Dissociative Identity Disorder, perhaps that'll help clarify things, and I think clarification will better come from those with DID, than from me- so, for the moment I'm not in this conversation, just keeping an eye on it- if the general consensus is that this isn't DID then we'll figure out a better place to place this thread.