Romantic relationships and long term singledom

I have been single now for 20 years. I divorced when i was forty.i assumed at the time that i would quickly find a new partner and i can remember saying to someone that i hoped it didn’t happen too soon. Famous last words.
For a few years i dated a few men but for no more than a few dates each. I didn’t like it and couldn’t manage any closeness with them.
Instead, i have spent 20 years trying to deal with DID and trying to maintain my working life and relationship with my child and grandchildren. For most of that time i could not have a relationship as i was not well enough emotionally and i got to the point where i really didn’t want to either. I also do not know if i am looking for a man and if a woman would better.
I have struggled in therapy to make progress and have had a number of breakdowns as therapy depended. With my currrent therapist, who it think is excellent and suits me, we are finding out more details of the abuse, finding new parts with important information and i am working on creating more communication.
I now find myself at the point of being able to face and feel just how lonely I am . I feel fragile and tearful which is very unusual for me. I am sensitive to how the world is in pairs and always being alone. This place feels just cruel. I am alone, don’t feel in any way able to have a romantic relationship but now am feeling the pain of not having it. I don’t have any deep friendships and have a small group of people who would be best described as aquantances.
I have no idea where to go from here. It feels unsolvable. My other parts have no opinion on relationships, that i know of, although i do wonder if some aspects of a relationship would not go down well.
I haven’t shared my diagnosis with anyone outside of therapy. I don’t have the quantity of relationship with anyone else where it would be ok.

I've been single for about 14 years now and as you describe, I have just been too busy to deal with a relationship and the guys I met never felt like something to keep in my life. It does make a big difference that I have a bunch of friends and people from different communities to talk to. It's not fair when the dissociation for relational needs lifts before there is capacity to actually be in a relationship. I don't have any answers. emotional and physical intimacy are considered phase 3 topics and The Haunted Self says that it is the trickiest thing in recovery because it needs so many domains within the personality to work together. it needs a mix of communication, boundaries, feeling ones own needs, sensing those of the other person, navigating needs, attachment stuff, touch, emotional closeness, sharing, strange stuff like flirting, playfulness, curiosity... list goes on... seeing that helped me to understand that this probably is the most complicated way to function of them all and it makes sense why it is hard. I am not good with even half of these things. It does not take away the loneliness. maybe it does help to find some understanding and grace for how it is.

Hi I have DID and PTSD. I am struggling with my boyfriend understanding my DID and PTSD. He damages me and thinks he isn't. His words make me the worst but he doesn't understand. He wants me to be the super parts all the time. I can't do wrong without it being intentional and he basically takes me being not right, traumatised, having a bad reaction to my trauma personally. He thinks I'm getting at him, that I have a choice in everything like the super parts. I am scared and misunderstood so much and I would really appraciate if someone could help me what how to explain how my conditions debilitate me and it is me suffering, not something to take offense to or personally in any way even if it isn't pleasant (it's debilitating for me). He doesn't grasp it, what's happening to me, my nervous system, intrusive thoughts feelings, the impact of triggers. He gets annoyed and irritated when I am triggered sometimes too, like I am ruining his life. I just could really do with some advice please, he is the love of my life and I truly wish for him to understand me, what is happening to me so that my conditions are not felt like shameful baggage that is chosen by me to be carried and expressed to hurt him.