My therapists's opinion & doubting myself

I saw her for a few months. I initially saw her for eating problems which she said did not meet the criteria for any disorder but was disordered eating. She then felt it was due to low self esteem & I should work on that. She tried to get me to be nice to myself, say nice things, etc & it all felt fake & untrue. Ifk, she was nice but I didn't connect with her & I felt I needed more than what she was giving me. Like I needed to process trauma, not be nice to myself. But i feel like I've been trying to process forever & though I've talked about it, I'm still struggling.

Before I met this therapist I saw a counsellor who I finally opened up to about the people in my head. I was afraid and just wanted answers. I didn't speak about it to my therapist because from my understanding she was there for eating disorder stuff and not anything else even though that's silly but it's just how ny autistic brain works.

I didn't fully trust her, I guess I never did. I was constantly anxious during our sessions, I wouldn't open up, and I didn't trust her for a while to speak about the people in my head. I guess iwaa my own worst enemy in that but it's like I guess I just knew we only had a few months & that wasn't our focus & I didn't wanna do something bad like detail the conversation into stuff she's not supposed to deal with.

When I did, she asked me about it and I explained a little but I was extremely nervous that she'd think I was faking and wouldn't believe me and I wouldn't get answers. My experience of the people doesn't fit typical did or whatever abd I'm not sure if I really have that, I'd say probably don't but I dont know. It's why I wanted help with it. I don't care if I do or not but my experience isn't normal whether it's did or not.

I literally talked about it for like 15 minutes and she concluded that due to my severe trauma I've been through, I essentially created these parts as a way to cope. The primary part is a little girl but there's others. I just feel so frustrated. Like you only spoke with me for 15 minutes and you're not a specialist in did or dissociative disorders, how can you make that judgement so easily? If that is the case, brilliant, I'll finally have an answer but idk, I've been experiencing this for 11 years & you figure it all out in 15 minutes?

In my head I'm like does she know about OSDD? Or non typical expressions of these types of disorders? Does she even know enough to know how it operates and whether that fits the criteria enough to say for sure?

She assured me that it's just something I created to cope, and I'm like well yeah, isn't DID & OSDD just the same thing just obviously in a different way. And there's levels of stuff If you look at the theory of structural dissociation.

And I'm already diagnosed with Autism, Depression, Anxiety, Complex PTSD due to everything, I don't need another diagnosis, but also I need help. I wonder if she picked up on my anxiety and stuff and readcit wrong or if she just knew she wasn't qualified to diagnose or look into it so she shut it down and just said that if they've been there for that long and they aren't telling me to harm anybody or harm myself then there's nothing to worry about.

Nothing to worry about? I act like a like kid, but it's not me, She has a different name. She looks different than me, She likes to colour and watch Dora & she loves stuffed animals. I often hear her in my head when we pass by stuffed animals and it suddenly feel like my or her arms are all floppy and she start to giggle, talk in a high pitched voice, shes like grabbing the stuffies she sees & hugging them to her & fighting the urge to put her thumb in her mouth. It's not exactly nothing to worry about.

It's embarrassing. It's like I'm watching her do it but it takes a lot of effort to get her to stop and to feel like me again. I don't get much amnesia but I get some. Usually I'm just there but I can't do anything, I just watch her do it. There's another person, Drake. He handles a lot of stuff, internally usually. He takes care of the little girl and some other kids and watches out for one of the teens. There's a woman too, and some others, as Drake tells me.

I just feel kind of dismissed. Whatever this is, I just want to know and I'd like to work on it, but where I love the heakchare system is so over run, they also don't like to diagnose you because "we don't want to label you with something that's there for your whole life" but it often leads to struggling with things without appropriate treatment since no diagnosis to access it. And your therapy only lasts so long because they don't jsbe enough resources. They discharge you before you feel you're ready. And so it's like I've just dragged all this $#%^ up and now I have to deal with it alone.

I'll have to go private. They won't refer me for any more help, so im stuck right now. I just want to figure it all out. I don't know what I'm asking with this post. I'm scared & overwhelmed and I hate that I feel like such a fraud. I domt know if this is the right place for me but if it isn't, I apologise. I just don't know where else it would fit. Thank you for reading this absurdly long post

Hi

I’m sorry to hear of your experience but it is not untypical unfortunately. We are an autistic system and have remained covert (in the outside world) for that very reason. I’m guessing this therapist knows you have autism?


This board has been a great place for our system to ‘find ourselves and grow’ but it’s not very active these days which is a great shame.

If you have the resources to go private for a DID diagnosis and really want to I would maybe not mention the autism in the beginning… try writing to someone first explaining about your alters and ask if you could just get an initial appointment.

If they say yes they likely think it maybe possible otherwise they would just pass you on to someone else!

Otherwise maybe just join social media groups for support & advice there are many on FB (not sure about other platforms we don't use them) and you will probably get faster replies.

The symptoms you're describing sound consistent with DID, but of course no one on the internet can diagnose you. You're right that DID/OSDD is a coping mechanism for trauma.

How you described your little sounds exactly how it is for us. It's not atypical for DID/OSDD--it's very typical. Most people don't get blackouts very often between switches; they're aware of what other alters are doing--it's called co-consciousness. If you watch the documentary Petals Of A Rose, how the little starts to move forward when the woman is in the supermarket is exactly how it is for us.

The CTAD clinic on YouTube has very informative and reliable videos. He's a DID psychologist in England.

Shadowlands wrote:Hi

I’m sorry to hear of your experience but it is not untypical unfortunately. We are an autistic system and have remained covert (in the outside world) for that very reason. I’m guessing this therapist knows you have autism?

This board has been a great place for our system to ‘find ourselves and grow’ but it’s not very active these days which is a great shame.

If you have the resources to go private for a DID diagnosis and really want to I would maybe not mention the autism in the beginning… try writing to someone first explaining about your alters and ask if you could just get an initial appointment.

If they say yes they likely think it maybe possible otherwise they would just pass you on to someone else!

Otherwise maybe just join social media groups for support & advice there are many on FB (not sure about other platforms we don't use them) and you will probably get faster replies.

Thank you for replying.
Yes my therapist knows I am autistic. I wouldn't be able to conceal it as it's on my healthcare records which all therapists can access. Yes It's a shame there isn't as much activity these days.

Om so risteted by doctors. They often look down on me or see me aa stupid or a hyperchondriac because of my anxiety & autism. Like I don't understand fully what I'm saying. Autism doesn't affect my intelligence but I think that's news to them. There's often a judgment however unintentional it may be.

I'm looking into private therapy but I believe only certain clinics can diagnose DID in my country & because this therapist believes i dont have it, I will not be able to get a formal assessment at this time sadly. Hopefully if things change one day.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:The symptoms you're describing sound consistent with DID, but of course no one on the internet can diagnose you. You're right that DID/OSDD is a coping mechanism for trauma.

How you described your little sounds exactly how it is for us. It's not atypical for DID/OSDD--it's very typical. Most people don't get blackouts very often between switches; they're aware of what other alters are doing--it's called co-consciousness. If you watch the documentary Petals Of A Rose, how the little starts to move forward when the woman is in the supermarket is exactly how it is for us.

The CTAD clinic on YouTube has very informative and reliable videos. He's a DID psychologist in England.

I'm somehow relieved and uneased by knowing that my symptoms fit DID. It's a thing I've struggled with a lot, whether they fit or not. Thank you for the documentary recommendation! I will check it out as well as that youtube channel. I'm always looking for better ways to understand this whole thing.