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Exam anxiety

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Exam anxiety

Postby Triskelion » Wed Oct 23, 2024 10:17 pm

I've learned something new about 'me'. Apparently, I dissociate during exams. Problematic because I do not dissociate during classes, homework, studying, and practise exams. In other words, the part of me that has a shot at giving the right answers on a test, tunes out during a test.

I'd suggest that all my parts actively study for tests, but I have one part who is not up for that, and even if we all wanted to study for exams, we're still only one body on a clock with no knowledge on how to actively switch without a negative trigger. We don't have the time to learn the material three times.

So that brings us to plan B: don't dissociate during tests.
I know. Tall order, but I guess I need to target the source of my anxiety. If I don't know an answer in a practice test, I don't stress out. It's the moment a grade or pass is tied to it that it becomes stressful. So, current hypothesis is that I'm afraid to fail, despite the fact that I ace practice tests and teachers praise me constantly. I could literally write down the entire theory for this latest exam by heart and somehow I still freaked on the test and fumbled my answers.

Anyone had a similar issue? Got any ideas to combat this?
We'd be eternally grateful!

All best,

~Grey
Grey, she/her
Kay, any pronouns
Raven, she/her

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Re: Exam anxiety

Postby Shadowlands » Sun Oct 27, 2024 4:48 pm

It's so long since I did exams I don't remember being the one that took them! Can two of you study together and be the ones who take the exam so if one of you dissociates mid exam the other is still 'up front' and can maybe.... carry on writing or whatever as they learned everything too?
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Re: Exam anxiety

Postby Triskelion » Mon Oct 28, 2024 11:27 pm

Hi, thank you for your reply

This might work. Only the part that is more studious is also the one that is hardest to connect with for prolonged times. Kay gets tired easily being up front.

I think this is a good plan though, and then combine it with grounding exercises. Hopefully I can learn not to be so distressed during exams, but at least this might work as a failsafe.

All best,

~ Grey
Grey, she/her
Kay, any pronouns
Raven, she/her

Bipolar 1 | Dissociation | (C-)PTSD |
Recovered from anorexia nervosa
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Re: Exam anxiety

Postby Shadowlands » Tue Oct 29, 2024 8:39 am

How about seeing if Kay will agree to a set amount of time for revising and set a timer? .... prioritise the parts you are finding the hardest to take in or remember so two of you have that section of information..

Then maybe make an agreement that you will get you to the exam if Kay will just front for the duration of 'taking the exam' (after you and everyone else is seated waiting for exam to start) and then she can leave as soon as you've finished and you get you back home again ...reducing the amount of time she has to be actually present??

This is a strategy we often do for Bobby who likes specific places/activities but not if anyone else is around...one of us will get us there (eg the lake for sunrise) once we're there and confirmed no-one else is about Bobby will come out ..get their photo's have a bit of time out with our dog then other people start turning up Bobby will disappear and another one of us will get us home.


Sorry I digress. ..but you get the idea?? ...back to your exams! .... If its the kind of exam taken in a large hall with lots of others everyone else is going to be too focused on remembering stuff themself to notice if your body language has changed slightly cos Kay slid in at that point & helped you complete the exam! :wink:
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Re: Exam anxiety

Postby Triskelion » Wed Oct 30, 2024 11:41 pm

I get what you're trying to say. Sadly, I'm not quite in a place where I know how to switch at will.

So for us it works a little like this.
I, Grey, am usually in control. Occasionally, I receive input or comments from either Raven or Kay in my head. Sometimes both at the same time, which usually ends in arguments and headaches for me seeing as the two of them don't particularly like each other.
I do not know how to get either of them to take the front, so to speak. I only know some negative triggers. I.e. if I am physically in danger and I have a chance to fight, Raven takes over, but if I have no opportunity to resist, Kay swaps in to catch the blow.
Kay is the only one who, going by chat histories I've read, can actively control which of us is in control, and that usually means Kay stays away from the reins. Even if Kay does take control, it's a brief intervention of sorts.
This is why even if I can get Kay to study and go into an exam, there's a good chance Kay can't finish the exam.

What happened last time with an exam is that for some reason, I got triggered. I don't know what happened but when I came to, an hour had passed and Kay and Raven were arguing about questions I had yet to read and answers I didn't write. I had 3 hours for this exam so luckily I had time to go through my questions and answers but the answer blocks had too little space for me to correct any mistakes. Plus, them discussing the answers made me doubt my memory.
So that didn't go very well. I'm afraid that the same will happen if Kay starts the exam and fails to finish it.

Hope I made sense here

Thanks for your input. Your tactic certainly sounds great, I just need to make it work first.

~ Grey
Grey, she/her
Kay, any pronouns
Raven, she/her

Bipolar 1 | Dissociation | (C-)PTSD |
Recovered from anorexia nervosa
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Re: Exam anxiety

Postby Shadowlands » Thu Oct 31, 2024 10:34 am

Ok so if Kay can actively control who is at the front she is the key to turning this around.

so its a written paper and 3 hours long? ..you said in a previous exam they had come out and answered some questions while you were dissociated ….so they were trying to come out and help you even though you hadn’t asked and couldn’t control whether they came out or not.

Do they read your journal entries or write replies back? Could you ask them if the 3 of you could devise a plan and work together just to get through these exams?

Would it be possible for you to first write all the answers you did know then Kay to just come out long enough to complete the bits you couldn’t remember the answer to (if she could)? ..if Kay can control switches she should be able to come to the front just to help you finish the questions you didn’t know?

Maybe if there’s some she’s left and doesn't know either, Raven may know and can fill in the rest after Kay has switched out so they’re not actively arguing in the middle of an exam? ..If Kay can control whose fronting and when, she should be able to keep Raven from the front until she’s done her bit then swap places if she thinks Raven knows the answer to ones she doesn’t.


You might want to leave them a journal entry/letter to read explaining the consequences on you all if you fail your exams (eg not able to get a better job that pays well giving you all a more comfortable life). If they are your protectors they would not want you to fail so maybe they would get their act together even if only for exams!

If you are already going to therapy maybe you could ask them why they don’t get on and get them to talk it through with a therapist? or if they won’t go through a third person…each write down what it was (from their perspective) that the other one did that made them not like them? ..then they can start to address it.

The one thing they have in common is their relationship with you and 'helping you’ with your life..I think it would be fair to point out to them that its not actually 'helpful' when they are constantly arguing in the background and actually making things harder for you.

I get what you mean you’re actually way ahead of where we were when we were taking exams as when we were taking exams we had no idea we even had this or any others inside! …like you.. only one of us had control/knowledge of others and switching (that was Bobby) but ‘social mask’ alters (the ones who dealt with public life) had no idea Bobby existed as a seperate self back then. They would have no memory if others had come out and done parts of the exam so seen it entirely as a single personality would that it was all their own work!

I think the rest of us didn't learn to switch at will until peri-menopause meant switches were being triggered really frequently so Bobby and (then) Kit were driven to come out and do some research purely because they hated not being in control of the switches!
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Re: Exam anxiety

Postby Triskelion » Sun Nov 03, 2024 9:31 am

Hey again,

Sorry for taking a bit to get back to you and thanks for your insights.

I'm 31 and though I've know I dissociate since I was 20, I thought for a long time that it was related to borderline (which turned out was a misdiagnosis) and ptsd. Only last year did I learn about DID and started trying to figure out who my parts were. Before that, I'd hear them in my head at times or see them talk in chats. I had no idea that the voices in my head were not simply a manner of thinking. Like, some people think in images, some in monologues/ they hear their own voice, so I figured that my way of thinking was debating with two voices I referred to as Black/Sword (now Raven) and White/Shield (now Kay). Ever seen those cartoons where a character tries to decide whether to do an evil or good thing, so a little angel and devil pop up on their shoulders ? Yeah, I thought I was like that but all the time.

Now to your questions:
Yes, they took over and I think, since they knew nothing about the test but couldn't get me to settle back down at the front, they tried to divide and conquer. Kay may have tried to get me to calm down initially (I tend to hear her voice when I attempt grounding methods), and Raven must have tried to make the test in case I'd not be grounded in time? Well, they hardly ever work together peacefully so at some point they must have started arguing and I came back to?

We use a discord server with just us. We use it, but replies take a while. Raven responds most often. Kay can take months to respond. Talking to Kay works better through meditation, but I'm bad at meditation cause I get easily distracted.

I think I switch out when I get stressed, no matter what. Kay seems to have a fixed protocol for switches. Rule 1 keep Grey front. 2. If Grey freaks, switch in either Raven or Kay depending on situation. 3. If Grey is calmed down, swap Grey back in. 4. If Raven or Kay freaks or is exhausted before Grey is OK, swap in the other. 5. If everyone is freaked out/ exhausted -> panic.
For the exam it seems we reached rule 5, and I believe I panicked because I had to read a long text (am dyslexic, so this always causes me stress) and someone's phone rang (against regulations) in their bag which was up front so i couldn't read the text at all. That's the last I remember before the arguing.
So it's not related to whether I know the answer to a question or not. I tend to just skip those and write what seems most logical when I get back to it.

I'm pretty sure they both know the consequences of me failing, which is precisely why they tried to answer questions in the first place. Helping me has always been there only consensus. They don't even agree on how to go about it. Plus, Raven hates that Kay is 'in charge' which causes her to lash at Kay a lot and be sparky even if she ends up following Kay's directions.

I've been in therapy since about 3 months now? I didn't get further than "borderline was a misdiagnosis, you have bipolar 1, we're referring you to a bipolar specialist section. They can focus on that and help with the dissociation too". They haven't called dissociation DID yet. My intake at bipolar specialist is tomorrow. It'll be a while before they ask about DID I think. I don't want to mention it because there's stigma on the diagnosis around here. Therapists don't seem to believe in it and will just call it dissociation and PTSD. Plus, I'm afraid therapists will force us to merge.

I've pointed out that their arguing is not helpful. They've played nicer since then but I guess when neither knows how to help me, they will still argue because of their different approaches.

Phew. That was a lot.

So how did you learn to control switches. Is that different for everyone ?

All best,

~ Grey
Grey, she/her
Kay, any pronouns
Raven, she/her

Bipolar 1 | Dissociation | (C-)PTSD |
Recovered from anorexia nervosa
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Re: Exam anxiety

Postby Shadowlands » Mon Nov 04, 2024 8:00 am

Sorry ..I hope our long answers didn’t stress you out too much! :oops:

We have the opposite problem! .. as several of us have selective mutism (or didn’t speak in public because they identitifed as Deaf sign language user) and have spent most of our life communicating via writing or typing things out! ..so we can communicate much better via writing/typing than verbally as would get so anxious about ‘getting our words out’ in front of other people that we’d shut down.

Re controlling switches - I think you need to learn what each of your triggers are… I believe Kit started writing down everytime when she started finding herself up front, whether Maddie was still in the front (so Kit had come into background) or whether she had ‘woke up’ finding herself in control of the body.

The next time she found herself up front she would try and remember what had been happening when she had disappeared again (eg maybe the doorbell rang unexpectedly so Maddie was needed to answer it) and make note of it but then would hide the notes somewhere Maddie wouldn’t find them.

For us Maddie was the last ’social mask’ alter to never have been aware of 'the others’ at the time throughout her entire time as External Host, (early 30’s to mid 40’s..around 15 years in total) but you already know about each other and if there’s only 3 of you in total it may not take as long if you can establish good communication between you.

If you’re all used to using a discord server then maybe just leave messages or questions for each other on there.

For us the severe mood swings caused by going through peri-menopause triggered out ones that hadn’t been out since our teen years, it’s been a rough 8 years! :shock: but some of those have eventually re-integrated or decided they prefer the inner world to the outside world (which of course is nothing like they remembered it - was the 80’s when we were teenagers!)

We seem to have been a bigger system than we originally thought! but I think we’ve met everyone now and now things have calmed down new ones have just been created via current ones who had chosen to integrate and agreed on their ‘integrated name’ before doing so.

For us its just been about everyone getting to know each other, finding out who works best together and shuffling about until we got the right mix at the front for our current life challenges!
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