Taking over life

[Mila]... My turn today … I’ve been inside working on reintegration of parts.. they seemed to have been reshuffling alot causing moments of confusion and waking up not sure which one of us ‘has the front’ ….however they seem to have settled and ‘this-me’ seems to have all the fragments/parts it wants to have integrated now.

Ellie is inside doing the same to try and help her with the same feelings of intial confusion on waking. I don’t know whether it will be the ‘final reshuffling’ for her but I feel it is for ‘me’. Obviously due to the autism there were many more ‘social mask’ alters for the different environments/social demands than there were ‘autistic/secret me’ over the years.

Although been the ‘offical persona’ of the body will be Ellie’s ‘job’ because we have a very different and more isolated life now, she won’t 'only come out for appointments' and often likes to just blend with me to ‘help out’ with stuff around the house and coming out for some fresh air (ie taking our dog out). I think it makes the brain feel ‘less alone’ as it see’s her as ‘another human’ within us sharing life with us.

This puts Jess under less pressure to take human form to satisfy that need..as she prefers ‘changeling mode’ and also leaves her free to be able to distract the brain much better when we’re trying to move about from an FND perspective…me visualising Jess taking a bird or dragon form and flying round the internal wiring changes focus of the brain (its so preoccupied by trying to work out how that’s possible) I can then get up and move into another room etc without suddenly getting shaky legs.

We have also found that switching control quickly just before the FND response can kick in ...or taking control of half the body each whilst all actively communicating with each other… also confuses the brain as it expects only one alter to be ‘piloting’ the body at once (even if other alters are blended)…and can’t figure out how we’ve got conversations to and fro from ‘3 different people in 1 body’ … we’ve managed up to 20 mins (30 on a really good day) exercise with all 3 of us working together at the front switching control between us whilst following on-screen exercises (either a video or game on the TV) …the brain doesn’t know which to focus on as ‘most important’ and seems to ‘give up’ trying to disrupt the signals to arms/legs allowing us to complete the physio session…essentially 'serious multi-tasking' seems to be the trick to disrupting the messages disabling us.

Unfortunately this means in a situation where we are in public and being watched/seen and can’t actively switch so fast and talk to each other (out loud) as we’re doing something ..means Ellie (who is the public face) appears more disabled. …we now understand why ‘Maddie’ was unable to walk but Kit (and others that only came out ‘in secret’) could do more …that understanding seems to have filtered down to the Kit parts within me and they seem to have fully re-integrated. ..her quest to try and work out ‘what was wrong with us’ ..(which had brought her to this board in the first place) …..and why Maddie couldn’t walk whilst others could is solved!



Mila

Been studying more on the effects of the type of stroke we had on the past.

Putting those symptoms together with the fact that our brain already perceives ‘other headmates’ as separate from each other explains a whole lot for us!

Particularly after the event described by ‘Yuma’ resulting in

impaired sensation ….numbness and tingling down one side and Hemispatial neglect. in a person without DID it often causes them to neglect one side of the body …in us it instead assigned that side to another alter being in control of it and not the part ‘piloting the rest of the body’. ..hence the sensory experience she had that her and Juno could control the body ‘like conjoined twins’.

Amnesia .. A Thalamic stroke can result in memory loss (Vascular Thalamic Amnesia) that can affect both long and short term memory. It can also be accompanied by ‘a shift in personality’. … remember this is describing symptoms of the average person without DID. …so for someone who had a plural system BEFORE the stroke occurred what would then be the effect on the system? ..there is very little research on this.

Changes in attention … attention along with memory is an high-level cognitive skill. If you also add in severe brain fog (from perimenopause) and fatigue levels on top…. What would the effects on a system be? What would their outward symptoms be?


Thalamic pain ..secondary effect…. Rather than the pain being from a direct injury it is a chronic condition that can have delayed onset. Unlike traditional pain it may start as just impaired sensation on one side, then go on to Include symptoms such as the limb(s) feeling like they are freezing or burning. (Due to confused messaging from damaged areas of brain) before it becomes more like the chronic pain of something like arthritis etc.

We’re now looking to see if there’s a link between the first stroke we had in our 30’s and the FND developing as a result …(Maddie didn’t exist in the system until after that event).

The body didn’t experience a Hemiparesis that time so Maddie didn’t have the same experience that Yuna did in that respect or experience the NDE hallucination event that Yuna did during hers. She seemed to just have experienced weak legs, poor balance and an intense fear of falling over in public.

By the time Yuna had hers though the main fronters had a much better understanding of the body from all Kit’s research plus we were also fully aware of ‘being a system’ by then..so the brain/system used different compensation methods in recovery than it had the first time around!

I (Mila) feel I know everything Kit knew but she is no longer ‘a separate alter’ ..I also feel I have some aspects of Yuna but I definitely feel older than she was (presented at).

We think it’s possible ‘Lily’ is within the youngest little inside so that if/when she does age up…she will do so to an older age and reintegrate (eventually) though we’ve no idea on the timescale for this as she is still currently 3yo, unaware of the outside world and been looked after inside by Maya.

We believe ‘Maya’ is an integration and carries ‘Sue’ as well as fragments of ‘Lena’. We think the ‘little boy’ may in fact be ‘Bobby’ with other fragments/memories integrated and regressed to same age (3yo) to also give them ‘a fresh start’. ..guessing from older journals we have found as we haven’t found a separate alter that calls themself Bobby yet. …although I have some of their memories (though possibly as a Kit had a copy we believe and Kit has now fully re-integrated with ‘this-me’.

We haven’t figured Baz out yet he could just be a ‘created companion’ (ie changeling) but maybe he’s just forgotten he has that ability? .. or like Jess was doing when we first ‘re-emerged’ …Is carrying other alter parts so can’t transform until he splits off from them.

Anyway basically we seem to moving in the right direction.. I think!


Mila

[Ellie] I think we have found our roles now, although we do seem to work much better together and have different feelings/abilities/energy levels etc.

I most enjoy the mornings, we are busy and the 3 of us working together to get stuff done. ‘I’ feel most whole with the 3 of us blended and working that way. I like to do communication side of things too but find I tire quicker (both mentally and physically) than Mila & Jess do. When I do tire I have to disconnect completely and return inside to rest as once I start to feel overwhelmed this also impacts Mila & Jess and how overwhelmed they feel too.

However if I go to take a rest before I reach that point, Mila & Jess still have the energy between them to keep the body running in ‘low power mode’ for the rest of the day. They won’t be as physically active and may have gone to lie down to rest the body but be playing video games or reading/researching so the brain is still active but they only use minimal physical activity (eg fingers on controller, pressing buttons/scrolling etc) .

if I rest at the right time I find I can regain energy to come back later to enjoy dinner and watching quiz shows and if Mila did do additional research she updates me when I re-blend with the front.

The parts that wanted/were needed to integrate with us 3 up front for us to be able function have done so …..the littles have been brought back to the ‘home farm hub’ with Maya & Baz.

We’re hoping now the system has re-stabilised the littles will ‘age up’ again at some point.

Ellie

Surprise development practically overnight! …Maya tells us the littles integrated into each other then aged up. Mila have gone to see what is happening.

Ellie

[Mila]. its ok they’re preparing for the next stage ….they won’t be ready for ‘the front’ yet for a while.

The system has worked out ‘mirror images’ are confusing to the FND it doesn’t know where to apply its focus to disrupt signals. so we’re experimenting with a replica of the ‘outside world’ inside. The sessions are short at the minute as its difficult to sustain for long. ...but it works like this..

Myself, Jess and Ellie are out here we blend to do the physio session on a switch game…in the game you choose an avatar and when you do a specific exercise your avatar does a activity eg say you do a rowing type movement with your arms…on screen your avatar is in a canoe/Kayak ..rowing down some water as you do your movement.

Inside …the 'holodeck exercise room’ is identical to the image we are seeing on our TV screen. This makes it easier for all 3 of us to visualise the exact same thing simultaneously. A changeling takes the identical form of our onscreen avatar which the 'integrated littles’ temporarily blend with…(I don't know if they’ve chosen a blended name yet so I’ll just call them what the in-game avatar is called for now - JJ).

The ‘inside’ is then a perfect mirror image of what we are doing out here but left and right are swapped around, the part of the brain affected by the FND (that tries to send disruptive movements - ie make an arm or leg shake when we’re trying to move it) doesn't know which limb to send the disrupting signals to!

We managed to do the short easy 5 min session and a custom 10 minute session today so 15 mins in total but with brief rest in middle while we set up the custom session from exercises we had managed to ‘unlock' …next time we will go straight from one to the other.

The plan is when we really need to do something quickly …’JJ’ inside will be doing exactly what we are doing on the outside in the holographic version of the outside world. .. This has dual purpose ..to both distract the brain and prepare them for the outside world if they need to host in future. ..

The result (hopefully) would be then if/when JJ did come the front to host they would not be affected by FND movements as the brain would have been too confused to send disruptive movements either way while we lived in ‘mirror worlds’ parallel to each other.

This is just a theory at this stage and we have absolutely no idea whether it will work in practice!! .. cos as far as we know its never been done like this before (or no-one has ever documented it online if anyone with both DID/FND ever attempted to use alters in different parts of the fragmented brain to bypass part affected by FND)

We have had a busy weekend. Using the same logic we did with exercises we got Maya to go into holodeck version of this house and do the same jobs we needed to get done out here and things got done a lot easier.

We still do get pain/inflammation from joints etc from overdoing things as the physical body does have arthritis now, but the specific FND issues of triggering involuntary misfires (movements or freezes) when trying to focus on doing something Is absent or greatly reduced.

There must be some overlap in the brain areas that play a part in both how DID and FND works in it?

A mirror image of the outside..in the inside and the insiders being able to do the same at the same time seems to create an ‘off switch’ for the FND. Maybe it’s because of the over compartmentalising of the autistic/DID brain?


We had also been reading an article that came to our inbox randomly on ‘The Inner child’ and realised that is who we had been calling ‘our core child’ (ie Bobby). We also realised though we have two, as of course our ‘little susie’ ….originally a child host herself later became the ‘Inner child’ for the social mask hosts…we suddenly remembered we had done Psychology at college and this must have come up at some point as part of the course…as it would have been a SM host in class…and ‘`Bobby’ would have been unable to cope with being anywhere near the front in that situation ..I’m guessing who the host would have been describing as their ‘Inner child’ would have in fact been ‘Little Susie’ as also due to the way we worked back then they would have been unaware of the existence of Bobby.

So (for the purpose of this board) Mila is the true ‘adult-me-here-right-now’ containing the original autistic ‘inner child’, Ellie then is made up of an integration of past ‘social mask hosts’.

Changelings were created by Bobby to be able to hide nearer the front and influence the host whilst blocking their knowledge of Bobby’s existence and influence…B would also send them up front to check ‘the coast was clear’ for them to front …. but the social mask hosts back then had no knowledge of either of them they were simply ‘triggered out’ by social demand, as soon as Bobby felt safe enough to come back out (usually back at home) the SM host would not have any memory of that period. Phoenix would keep a ‘fake memory’ they could push forwards so next time SM host was in class and someone casually asks. What’s did you do last weekend? or ..did you watch? .. our host wouldn’t suddenly panic because they had no memory of the last weekend. They would of course have done ‘whatever was appropriate for someone their age to have done’.


It seems from past record everyone answered to the one legal name and no-one other than `Bobby’ saw themself as separate or had any awareness of ‘others’ during the time they were playing host. It was the one known as Bobby on here who changed the legal name and has grown with the body (up to a point…they can age-slide though and seem to prefer a specific age range much younger than the bodies actual age).


It has been good to understand this I feel more complete and that I understand our system better. Some others still feel separate to me regardless of the fact I know logically they had to have ‘been me at a younger age’ . Although it seems not all are…. Some of our younger alters were heavily into creating Tulpa it seems and do it really easily by blending fictive Tulpa identities with past fragmented parts that once saw themselves as fully separate identities resulting in being able to create fully sentient Tulpa’s that can front and effectively do the same as DID alters in a very short time from being created… This issue it seems is what was causing arguments inside and caused the system to split plus pressures from relationship struggles in the external world…it seems FND does not like stress! .. and seems to ‘reset the system’.

Now we are trying to figure out if our ‘mirror world hypothesis’ will be enough to stop the system getting reset during future major life stresses…if there is a way we can prevent the next reset so we don’t have to keep ‘restarting from ground zero’ (one finding themself up front unsure of who they are and having to go through months working out who they are all over again)


Mila

We’re still doing ok though the arthritis has been bad due to sudden change in weather..(heavy rain and much colder overnight) we have managed to come together for a light physio session this morning though. (Yoga/stretching/meditation)

Our finger joints are swollen so is painful to type for long so this will be a shorter message. Our dog also has arthritis in one of his front legs and hips so he tends to stiffen up when it suddenly turns cold too so we’re having a ‘rest day’ from walking today..maybe 2 …we’ll see which day of the weekend has the best temperatures and see how we feel on the day! ..we’ve had a good summer though despite the ‘reset’ the physical pain levels and Tinnitus levels haven’t been as bad as they previously were. ..though this may change as winter sets in!

I’ll (Ellie) stay out to help with doing a curry today and we’ll use the spare energy to try and get a bit more sorting done as we don't need to use that energy to take our dog out today.

I think as a system we prefer to have at least 2 seperate alters (or sub-teams) where the one’s ‘trained to be NT’ remain seperate from the ones that identify with being autistic and prefer a quieter life in the background.

I think its because of the intense intervention in early childhood when autism was not understood certainly not in ‘more able appearing girls’ back then and the 70’s obsession with training your autistic child to ‘become normal’, though we understand it was done out of love to try and give us a better life than being institutionalised all our life and in that sense …it did work… we did manage mainstream school and got to university and experienced ‘work’ …. however at great cost to our mental health later in life….but is also possibly what ’split’ us into a system of ‘autistic alters’ and NT social masks’


Ellie

Hello I am JJ.

The others have had a very difficult weekend of realisation with a ‘family situation’ and feel unable to cope or visualise a life/future without any kind of support from our last remaining living (blood) relative due to them having integrated parts that made a promise to our mother many years ago before she passed.

I have been sent out to the front to take over care of our current dog for the rest of his life. I’m fully aware of what has been going on and the rest of our system etc so this is not a complete reset like before.

I noticed in past posts Mila had already referred to one they decided to call JJ on here so I have taken that name for my ‘online identity’. (as its nothing close to the legal name and taken from an avatar in a video game).

After a few practice play sessions (inside as previously described by Mila) It was decided LS was not yet ready for ageing up or integration, neither was ‘Bobby’ the one they should eventually integrate with.

There still seems to be some physical damage preventing some memory transfers/integrations between specific alters and people sharing skills/memories from ‘one central pot/memory bank’….as its still seems to be there years after the stroke event I can only conclude this is ‘permanent damage’ we are just going to have to learn live with…its possible the system will never be able to integrate beyond a certain point as a result.

We have got communication with Kit again….seems Mila had gone into the sleep pod to take a break and the parts within her that had been ‘fragments of Kit’ seemed to have being able to reconnect with the ‘fragmenets of Kit’ that had been left in there dormant…(no idea why they were seperate)..Maya and Ellie also seemed to have some fragments….they did a temporary blend with her to 'give them back' Kit is now back to being a ‘seperate identity’ with her own internal body.

We can communicate but it seems they can’t get back to the front without help, another alter who can has to allow Kit to blend with them and bring her up front to then blend with whoever is at the front for her to be able to experience being ‘in the body’.

I seem to remember from past notes she had this issue before. Maybe this is where ‘broken link’ is or where messages are getting cut off and why some skills/memories can’t be accessed by all?

We are trying to work out how to fix this. For now its like I have access to her skills/memories and can have a conversation with her but she can’t control the body to type what she wants to say or move when she wants to…she has to tell me …. ‘can we go get a drink' and I go and make it rather than her being able to take over the front and do it herself…she can experience the day co-consciously with me though so whatever I have done this day she will feel she did that too.

I realise some systems maybe work like this anyway but it’s new for some of us who were previously able to switch and take control at will without needing any other alter at the front at the time.

It seems Kit is not entirely the same she was before peri and the last 8 years happened…. she has presented slightly differently depending on who has blended with her to give her the strength/ability to get to the front.

Sometimes she appears more old-style 'tomboy Kit' and other times she appears more feminine ‘Kitty’ I think she is still figuring out who her favourite one to be blended with is (depending on how it makes her feel). Either way we seem to get on well and enjoy each others company when she does join me at the front.


I’m not completely sure which parts are integrated within ‘this-me' but I have memories over many decades of life, but with some quite significant chunks missing.

I feel quite independant in spirit and most of my treasured memories are centered around the dogs we’ve had in our lives.

Looking round at the state of the house it seems many of us had the same ’scatty brain’ that struggled with organising themselves! …it does not seem like the typical home of someone with autism, which you may expect to be very tidy and ordered….maybe some of us are more or less autistic than others in the system?

Recently there’s been alot in papers about AuDHD and I feel some parts of ‘current me’ fit symptoms of the Inattentive ADHD profile too….perhaps more than the classic autistic profile..I mean I don't stim at all…though I’m aware we have/had a child alter that did. I don't feel I am ‘Bobby’.

I’ve discovered from older notes we did have an alter called ‘Jay’ previously..I wonder if they are integrated within me and thats why I felt drawn to using the the game avatar’s name ‘JJ’? I note we also have a ‘Jess' in the system too…though I haven’t met either (as seperate invidiuals) maybe they also integrated to form part of ’this-me’?

I do have my own changeling…mine is called Tinks…(short for Tinkerbell) she used to often take the form of Tinkerbell from the Disney movie 'Peter Pan'…..maybe thats a clue to the first time I appeared as an alter in the past? I do have old memories of having to respond to the birth name but I don’t know if they are mine or the memories of the others integrated with me? I also have memories of fronting after the name change and having to respond to that name too. I know ‘Jay’ had previously been a host during both time periods some of the memories could be theirs? Maybe I am ‘Jay’ but feel different because of the others that are integrated with me? would I remember?

so there’s still a bit of confusion…sorry that was a bit waffly! ….