Our first proper Integration (I think)

I think we've achieved our first proper integration! ..its me (Teen S, Kate and SG) together..I know we've blended temporarily before but that felt different we still felt like 3 seperate alters and when we went back inside we split again.

I feel like an 'I' rather than a 'we' but I can feel their influences. I feel older than a teen and feel like an older woman but can still feel them inside.

It is planned for Jay and Kit to integrate with Bobby like this too to see if helps Bobby's anxiety and Jay being one of the more sociable ones may help. I don't know yet whether they will choose a new name or when they may attempt it.

I'm not quite sure what happens to the 'fictives' such as Phoenix & Spock. Bobby may choose to keep the 'virtual holodecks' alive in their own mind so they can always 'visit them' I can't see Bobby wanting to let go of them but maybe an integration with others may change them?

When LS feels ready, Sioux will integrate with her. Jody (changeling) may go to join Phoenix and Spock if she wants the freedom to return to her natural form again. LS may choose to retain access to the Holodeck depending on whether she chooses to age or not. ..we aren't sure about that yet. Nothing is completely final.

This would (in theory) bring us down to 3 separate (human) alters made up of 3 each, it is thought LS (+Sioux) will integrate with me, but whether Bobby will choose to is impossible to predict! ..we could potentially get down to 2 with Bobby still having access to 'holodecks' ..if LS wants that too to still be able to visit 'Jody' inside she will have to go into Bobby's group.

It's a plan of sorts! I'd be interested to know how other people' integration journeys went ..if you broke it down how did you choose who would integrate with who first and how many attempts did it take?

We figured if we could get the one's that really NEED the fictives and holodecks, into one group integrated into one alter it would reduce the time we spent dissociated overall? (if they remained unwilling to fully integrate into one)...as the front/host would be made up of ones that were dedicated to focusing on the 'outside life'.

SuKi

I forgot to say... 'anyone is welcome to comment or advise' on the last post! .. sorry. I struggle with seeing things from other people's viewpoint..we all do to some extent...to know what others would think when they read a post.

Anyway as a system we have come up with some rules for our Integration attempt. (or rather Kit did!)

1. We (me,Kate and SG) have to remain 'out front' & stable for at least 4 months

2. Taking responsibility and Hosting daily as Suki or <legal name> for 'outside events'

3.We can function as we choose out front but as soon as anyone of us returns inside the trial period is over and considered a 'failed integration'.

4. We cannot call Kit out just so we can take a break if the body is having (usual daily levels of) pain, fatigue,Tinnitus that we don't want to have to deal with. (She has the highest pain tolerance) Although she still retains the right to takeover in a 'life threatening' medical emergency. eg Anaphylaxis, another stroke etc. This would NOT be counted as 'failure to integrate' if Kit had to take temporary control or another stroke meant things happened suddenly that we had no control over (eg we found ourselves back inside and someone else had been left out front)

5. Under NO circumstances do we attempt to integrate anyone else with us in this 'trial period'

6. Temporary blends with others are allowed so they can come out to share favourite activities/meals or assist with social/medical appointments etc but I must remain present in the front and they must return inside when scheduled activity is over.

7. On January 1st 2024 we will have a review (if we make it to that date!) of functioning as one integrated host. If we have remained stable throughout and another really wants to integrate with us by then it will 'be considered'.

8. Anyone wishing to remain separate will be allowed to stay separate. Their final decision will be respected.


I will also be reading a link @ArbreMonde posted on the integration process to better understand how to make it as successful as possible as we 3 really wanted this the most, out of all of us...but we promise to understand if others choose not to, even if ours is successful.

(On behalf of Kate and SG too) We are grateful to our system for giving us this chance to prove our self as a worthy Host.

I'd be interested in knowing how others started the process or decided whether to or not?..As a system we are thinking ..Partial Integration maybe possible?. ..but it depends what is considered partial?.. Does it have to be 50% of the system or more integrated? or any combination of 2 or more integrated and some/the rest remaining seperate?

SuKi

The links on another post about Integration by @ArbreMonde was very interesting to read. Kate and I can still 'talk' to each other telepathically although she doesn't switch out with me. SG seems to have fully integrated.

Kit surprised me this weekend by coming forwards blended with Jay to see if it reduced the amount of paranoia, we had a good weekend.

Bobby however wants to wait for LS to 'be ready' IF they are going to integrate with anyone it will be the one they have spent their entire life with inside. I suspect they won't fully integrate but blend maybe just to come out together to visit. They both highly value the Inner life, nothing out here can match the freedom they have inside, especially now the body is so restricted physically and we don't have the income to pay for full time assistant and adapted vehicle (for them to drive) to be able to get out reliably everyday.

But we all agree on the need for a more stable front, the house needs sorting, we have gas servicing appointment coming up so need everyone to pull together to sort the kitchen in time.

We are aiming for a partial integration...some of the fragmented parts that made up 'Yuna' will be re-integrated with us at the front. It will be done one at a time this time so there's no 'unexpected passengers' with 'the littles' safely inside

We have a clearer idea of who will be left (as seperate), it should reduce dissociation as those left as 'insiders' have promised they will stay inside and come out at agreed times. We will still make sure the littles get plenty of chance to come out and play if they want to. They only seem interested now if there's a new game coming out they're interested in, once they've re-created it on the inside they aren't that interested in coming out to play it on the console.

Trauma fragments will remain inside as the sanctuary animals for now. Our brain stored them that way for a reason in the same way the changelings were created for a reason. Bobby has been told if the inside world is so important to them they must share responsibility in taking care of it and all of its occupants and let the 'host' take care of life in the outside world without constant disruption.

Things are slowly calming down and everyone starting to move in the same direction to the same goal.


SuKi

I'm finding it really hard to hold the front today..maybe just a bad day...but I realised we haven't see our bro since our birthday in June so other than seeing delivery men and the gardener once every 2 weeks, we've had no conversation with anyone. Our voice is hoarse and croaky..we can only whisper to talk to each other.

I feel like I'm invisible and no-one see's us or cares whether we're here or not so it doesn't matter who fronts or what we achieve or don't achieve. I miss the inside chatter and life on our sanctuary farm and me and Kate having our own bodies inside. Video games aren't doing it for me like it does for Kit and Bobby. Kate misses her inner life too..we had a changeling playing our dad so she could experience 'courting' with him again in a holodeck program. Although we made them a file in Stardew Valley to recreate that it's not 'filling that gap' for her either.

I feel disconnected like I was frozen in time from the 80's then re-awoken in the future to find everything I loved has gone and I just want to get back in the time capsule and go back.

SuKi

That sounds very isolating. Do you ever walk around your neighborhood and perhaps exchange greetings with neighbors? Or is that not physically possible? I find that just exchanging a "hello" with someone in passing can help me feel a little more connected with humanity.

In any case, that sounds difficult. I hope today is better.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:That sounds very isolating. Do you ever walk around your neighborhood and perhaps exchange greetings with neighbors? Or is that not physically possible? I find that just exchanging a "hello" with someone in passing can help me feel a little more connected with humanity.

In any case, that sounds difficult. I hope today is better.

We do see a few other dog walkers when we take Mr Woof out, we have to use a mobility scooter as we can't walk far. We can't cope with it too busy though (sensory overload). Some days we have more ability to cope than others. Depends how bad the fatigue is too.

Today we've been awake since 2am .(4.16am here now as I type this) ..screeching Tinnitus..we couldn't get back to sleep, desperate to return inside to get a break from it!


Kit told us to go get under the shower, the water against the ear drowns out the Tinnitus temporarily and distracts our brain by the time we've focused on getting showered and washed hair..so we have... put hearing aid in, just waiting for it to get a bit lighter then we'll go watch the sun come up at our favourite spot and see if Mr Woof can make it to the ducks. He's had a flareup (of arthritis) too and has to go on stronger painkillers, we're just getting back to medium length walks, may have to think about getting him a dog bike trailer to go on the scooter. We had one for our last dog when her hips got bad, our brother made a bracket to go on the back of the scooter. Though she didn't need one until she got to about 13, Mr Woof is only 10..(11 in another couple of weeks) though he is a pedigree breed they seem to get more genetic conditions earlier than crossbreeds.

It's strange I never realised how much we switch to get through the days until we've been trying hard not to switch, we all admit we find it hard to stay out constantly with no break especially if we can't feel anyone else about. We aren't happy with no contact with the inner world to get temporary freedom from the constraints of the physical body.

SuKi

Kit here..... well that didn't go to plan... made it to grass up the hill and scooter suddenly cut out..its not the batteries as needle goes straight to green when turn it on but no power, must be motor or brakes locked...made it home as its downhill had to free wheel using feet as brakes.

Suki was in a panic and started shaking so had to take over the front, LS is upset because we can't complete our sunday morning visit to the ducks now with no working scooter. I'll email mobility shop today so they get it first thing tomorrow, hopefully they can fix it later tomorrow or Tuesday!

We don't currently have a spare electric indoor wheelchair to use either just to get 'round the block' on the pavement as that broke down before pandemic and we couldn't afford to replace it then!

Damn! ..am annoyed as wanted to get some sunrise photo's haven't been for a couple of weeks with Mr Woof not being to walk that far and could do without the expense of a new scooter right now if its not something they can fix easily!

Just need everyone to calm down now cos they're making me feel queasy with everyone in a panic cos they thought we were gonna be stuck outside and have a meltdown in public!

The permanent integration of 'Suki' has been postponed for now. We have talked about it a lot with TS to find out what is going on.

She feels depressed and that she has failed her brother and her family because she did not stay at front after our mothers death (instead Thea took over who then went off to university to get away from home). She feels she can never make up for the lost years she was away and not supporting our sibling. We did not realise at the time that they could also both possibly be on the spectrum (higher functioning end of Aspergers as it would have been called then)

I don't know why this is suddenly overwhelming her more NOW but we don't want the same thing that happened with Maddie to happen to her. She agreed to go into stasis last night for the minimum of a month (so we can see if these newer hearing aids make a big difference with the Tinnitus) so her overwhelming feelings of depression aren't affecting the entire system whilst Kit and I try and work on decreasing pain levels too so it's easier to stay up front without feeling so dissociated and needing a break.

We are still trying to find a level of life/activities that everyone can cope with, so everyone gets to enjoy their favourite things as well as other outside world stuff that needs to be taken care of, without it leaving us so exhausted.

Jay

This is interesting. Sorry I can't read it all due to not being able to read long texts. I kind of get the gist of it though.

I'm wondering if I'm sort of integrated. I'm thinking this because when I'm socialising I can feel as if there is two of me talking together in unison. Kind of like a binding of personalities going on.

I am aware that my personalities are quite alike but it's more like they are of different ages so maybe we are a more integrated system.

Thank you for your thread.

Western wrote:
I'm wondering if I'm sort of integrated. I'm thinking this because when I'm socialising I can feel as if there is two of me talking together in unison. Kind of like a binding of personalities going on.

I am aware that my personalities are quite alike but it's more like they are of different ages so maybe we are a more integrated system.

Thank you for your thread.

Maybe some of you know how to blend? it is usually a temporary choice for a specific situation as you say 'socialising'..maybe the 'other you' carries memories or knowledge that 'you' (his part that answered) don't, ....but blending together when socialising ensures that you have all the information/memories you need to appear like everyone else who would remember their entire life as theirs?

Jay