Intro

Dalgidanchew wrote:I'm worried that if I start seeing my 'parts' as separate they'll become more separate. Also, isn't it possible that 'k' just came up with those names to try and feel more in control.

In "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors" as well as in the "internal family system" model of therapy, it is explained why it is healthy to give names to one's different parts. It helps better see the whole picture of who we are as a whole, what are our conflicting needs and wants and emotions. It helps find a compromize with ourselves, making sure that all our needs are fulfilled because all of them are given an importance.

Some people use nicknames online for their alters instead of their inner names. Others use just a letter. One comic writer I follow on Instagram uses colors for their alters. A friend of mine uses names of flowers/plants. And so on.

It helps un-tangle all the complicated thoughts and feelings.

Dalgidanchew wrote:I'm annoyed because I decided that I wasn't going to look into DID online because it would be more confusing, and the representations I don't relate to. So I'm a bit annoyed to find I've been doing it and forgetting/ blacking out.

Real DID has nothing to do with media representation. So, it's nice to do research about it, because you learn things. And you can also learn... how to heal So convenient!

Dalgidanchew wrote:I don't remember my childhood, and maybe I don't want to.

A proper DID therapist will never force you to look into the painful past but will rather help you build a safer present and heal whatever wounds you are aware of right now. From experience, painful memories come back only when we have the tools and support to face them. And even then, if we feel we are not yet ready, there are therapy tools to help manage so things are less painful.

A lot of DID therapy is centered around easing up DP/DR, doing grounding work, having a stable life here and now.

The first event you describe would be consistent with DID. Switches are NOT synonymous with blackout amnesia. DID amnesia is when an event in the past is so painful it is hidden "under the rug" somewhere in the brain. It can happen in everyday life too but it is way less common. And lately I have more ADHD micro-amnesia than dissociative amnesia.

A switch can be between two parts with different belief systems. One might be interested in buddhism, another be atheist, and both their points of view are conflicting with each-other. Meaning that as a whole, you can feel sometimes the buddhist part, sometimes the atheist part, and be completely baffled by this because it feels like, well, someone pressed a switch. On/off/on/off etc. It eases up with therapy. Once you manage to un-tangle all your different parts/aspects/whatever you want to call the different shades of you, you can get a bigger picture and think about how to respect all your different needs and points of view.

The second event you describe is consistent with dissociative amnesia. Some details were "hidden under the rug" until they poped out and you heard yourself telling them. Which can be stressful to the point of triggering some DP/DR. Been there, done that. Scary at first but it eases up with time and self-compassion.

You do not need to call it "DID" if the name is scary. A friend of mine says she has "complex trauma-related dissociative disorders" and it's less scary once put that way. The "identity" part is just a funky way our brain uses to put labels on our different parts. Some of our parts are so dissociated that they can feel like "not-me" but it eases up with time and therapy and grounding. The more you manage the daily grounding and stabilization of everyday life, the more your brain can see all of the shades of you as "me too" and you can start healing all the old wounds and the healing is beautiful.

Also about trauma: it is not the violence or horror of the event that causes the trauma but the level of stress. Some people can develop dissociative disorder "just" because of a disorganized attachment, or because of sensory overload from autism and/or ADHD. As an example, some of my super traumatic and terrifying memories from childhood include... fireworks. Light, noise, night, unknown place, tons of people, I was 4, exhausted and autistic, bingo new traumatic memory. From FIREWORKS. Coz it's not the event that caused the trauma but the stress I went through that day. Night.

Some people go through hell and back twice, but they recieve enough support right away that they never dissociate. The intensity of dissociation is never consistent with the violence of what we went through, but it IS consistent with the level of stress our brain went through. Lack of support from family causes super high levels of stress even when there is not a lot of violence. Lots of violence from the outside world with tons of family support and care causes almost no dissociation because it lowers the stress level.

No matter what hurt you in the past, you deserve compassion, support, healing. It's also completely okay to send lots of compassion and love towards yourself while saying "I am not ready to know, but I still want my old wounds to feel healed and my inner child to feel safe now". There are specific therapy techniques to help heal the emotions without touching to the memory.

You do not need to remember in order to heal.

Sounds crazy I know but, I talk from experience.

ViTheta wrote:As alluring as that might sound, whatever trauma happened to cause the splits in the first place won't remain buried. You will feel the effects of it no matter what you do to ignore it. What those effects manifest as, I can't even begin to explain as they will be unique to you, but I can assure you that they will happen. They happened to us. We lived almost half a century with those secrets buried and they impacted everything in our lives. They made us vulnerable to other abuses and made us afraid of so much.

When you are ready to confront the traumas, you will know what happened. This may never lead to full fusion or being a single personality, but it will lead to healing. Sometimes healing just starts with acknowledging the others in the system so that they can start to heal as well. It is a long, frustrating and painful process, but it can lead to so much better.

I realized reading over what Arbremonde wrote that I may have phrased this misleadingly. I did not mean to imply that you specifically have to remember what happened. We've been finding that individual healing helps the whole, but that I, specifically, do not need to remember what happened in childhood to function, and we're not even sure if my having the memories would even help. I know what happened, but I don't remember, if that makes sense.

Sorry if that was confusing. Sometimes English isn't the easiest for me.
Take care
Vi

Real DID has nothing to do with media representation. So, it's nice to do research about it, because you learn things. And you can also learn... how to heal So convenient!

Yeh that's true. Reading these posts has been helpful. I'm still cautious about misinformation online and getting drawn into representations that make DID either look terrifying and evil or cool and fun but I feel better that there are some people who believe me and understand that it's neither.

I'm not sure I should keep adding to this thread but I wanted to update.

I have found a new therapist that specialises in trauma and dissociation. Also I'm going to try a medication recommended by the last psychiatrist I saw and ask for a referral. It's really scary to think there are other people living in my head, so I decided to think of it like I'm just a bit more fragmented than most people. But having a fragmented identity is still better than having no identity and feeling like I don't exist. So when I think of it like that it doesn't seem as bad.

M

"being fragmented" is EXACTLY what DID is about It can FEEL "not-me" but it is an illusion of separation, not a true separation.

Do not hesitate to have a look at the ressources thread too, or keep having a look at the board even without posting, if it can help you

We all find different ways to cope with this knowledge, and we all have different paths to healing. You are most welcome to continue to post through your journey. Finding a therapist who has the skills to handle the issues of trauma is such a huge and positive step. It is wonderful that you have and I hope that things between you and all the others will be good going forward.

And yes, there's a lot of negative portrayals of DID in media, and so much false information as well. Still, we strive ever forward to try and fix those issues as well.

Take care and be well.
Vi

Wanted to post my update for our own system to see and to share the journey.

We are being referred to a specialist dissociation service. Who will assess us in the next 8-13 weeks.

So proud. Will try to update after assessment if we're up to it. This is a huge huge step.

- K

Good job! You can be so proud of all of you! This is a huge step indeed. Congratulations!