Troubles of a Questioning System

First and foremost, this is not me asking for someone to diagnose me. This is just a shout into the void, I suppose.

I've been questioning if I'm in a system since 2021. I've made no breaks in this process, either confirming or denying I may be in a system. I've heard things in my head that aren't me, I have very frequent grayouts and blackouts, and I have as many memories from before the age of 13 that I can count on my fingers. From talking with friends, I also do not think I am the original host, and I became the host about two years ago.

I find a lot of things not fun during this process. I am constantly fake claiming myself, though I and other have noticed many of the symptoms. I've tried to dig into my early childhood, like elementary school level childhood. I can barely remember anything, and I only remember two negative things during that time that I don't think would amount to a fractured identity. I try to talk to other systems I know irl about it, but it's always the same half assed response of "i dunno. sorry."

I really do not want to be right about being a system. I love everyone who is in a system, and it's nothing about other's who are in a system. I've never felt in control of my life, and I fear that if I am correct about being a system, I will never have thr control over my life that I want.

Anyway. Rant over, if you read all this, please have a lovely day <3

Hi, I'm Vi. Welcome to the forums.

In the early days of our acceptance, one of our alters, Bri, drove us almost to a panicked frenzy because wee couldn't find any memories of early childhood trauma. It took time and working together for us to understand who held which bad memories from childhood. Most of our trauma holders are younger (from age 3 to age 16). Bri was frantic regarding finding that information; however, like you, we didn't have any real memories about our childhood before age 11 (and that was because Pippa came forward enough when we were about 30 and we started dealing with her traumas).

I don't know what to say overall. Unfortunately, each system can be unique and hard to pin down. I do hope that you can find some answers here. The people here certainly helped us and we were finally able to get a diagnosis at the beginning of this year.

Take care, and welcome again to the forums.

Hello, this is the void shouting back to welcome you to the forums!

Nobody can diagnose you online but we can say if what you describe can be consistent with dissociative disorders or not. It is up to you to decide if you want to seek a formal diagnosis / differential diagnosis or keep digging up by yourself on different ressources platforms.

DontTouchThatDial wrote:I've heard things in my head that aren't me, I have very frequent grayouts and blackouts, and I have as many memories from before the age of 13 that I can count on my fingers. From talking with friends, I also do not think I am the original host, and I became the host about two years ago.

This is consistent with a dissociative disorder. It does not matter how many elaborate identities you have, these symptoms alone can point you towards a dissociative disorder. (Unless there is another, better reason to explain them such as e.g. brain injury.)

DontTouchThatDial wrote:I find a lot of things not fun during this process.

It's never fun to realize that you do not have access to most of your memories, that you feel like you cannot control most of your life etc. It eases up with time and therapy but becoming aware is never fun.

DontTouchThatDial wrote:I only remember two negative things during that time that I don't think would amount to a fractured identity.

The thing with dissociation is that the stress leading to dissociative disorders must be put back into its original context. How would a very young child react to these events? Things that can make one dissociate without intense violence include: disorganized attachment, emotional neglect, repeatedly leaving a very young child to cry by oneself without comforting them (some cultures encourage this, saying it "teaches the baby to stop being needy" or other claims but the fact is, it teaches from birth how to dissociate one's needs and feelings and how to fracture the mind to deal with stress), school bullying, emotional distress from ADHD, sensory overloads from autism, reapeted meltdowns/shutdowns from autism, etc. There is a higher correlation between emotional distress and dissociation, than between physical distress and dissociation. When the physical distress is followed by comfort from loved ones the trauma heals fast while being left alone with one's emotional/psychological distress leads to dissociation even without physical violence.

I am not linking the studies right now because it's kind of a heavy read but do not hesitate to ask for them whenever you feel ready to read them.

DontTouchThatDial wrote:I really do not want to be right about being a system.

Nobody really wants to. But there is a beauty in it once the healing starts. Because the healing process is beautiful.

DontTouchThatDial wrote:I've never felt in control of my life, and I fear that if I am correct about being a system, I will never have thr control over my life that I want.

It is completely counter intuitive but, when you have a dissociative disorder, building communication between the dissociated parts/alters and allowing the switches to happen helps regain control. There is a ressources thread that I linked in my signature, you'll find websites and books and that's super helpful. A good website to start with is DIS-SOS because it gives advices on how to manage dissociative symptoms. Good books to start with are "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors" and "Coping with trauma related dissociation".


Once again, welcome to the forums. Hope my lil message will help you!

Thank you both, the kind words really mean the world to me. <3