The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

So, it has been a little bit since updating this, but other than some issues with gender dysphoria, we're doing mostly ok. We've lost quite a bit of weight and are getting closer to being able to have our various surgeries.

This really isn't about us. It's about our mom. Our dad has to go in for a very simple procedure on his eyes later this year. It should help his vision. The thing is, this is in relation to a surgery that he had years ago that we don't remember- and neither did our mom. This came up in 2019 before our mom passed. She had no memory of dad having surgery on his eyes- a major procedure to replace the lenses.

Now, we would write this off if it weren't for the fact that our sister knew about it back when he had the surgeries on his eyes.

Our sister has actually speculated that our mom had DID as well. Mom told us about some incidents that occurred with her father that were very abusive. Now...given what we were told by both our mom and our Aunt P, we think the abuse was worse than we were told and we know that she had attachment issues with regards to her parents.

While our dad's father was abusive and horrific, he wasn't raised by his parents so his parental figures were his much older sisters (both were about twenty years older than him).

Our mom was autistic, we know that now. In fact, autism runs in the family with our mom and four of our cousins being autistic. Five of our grandfather's seven children are autistic.

Looking back over what I have access to...it is starting to appear that our mom probably had OSDD at the very least. It would explain so much.

Thank you for reading,
Violette

So, today we spent some time going through early childhood memorabilia and sorting out what to keep and what to get rid of. What we found was interesting. There were several pieces of paper with our birth name deliberately scratched out (in one case painted over) by whoever was fronting at the time. Now, these papers appear to go up to about age six so there's no real knowing who it was.

It seems strange now. We don't know why it was done, but looking at the papers felt awful in some ways. Like this queasy feeling in our body.

Most of the papers were just 'what was this?' and we only got rid of the papers we were certain didn't matter to any of us, but it still feels weird. It feels like we knew from a very young age that we didn't fit with the person our parents thought we were.

Take care,
Violette

Hi Jay,

Well, autism is genetic, so there is a good chance your father and brother were/are. Our sister is very much a people person. She can spend all day talking to people and being social, but has many other signs of autism.

We've seen a lot of people discuss autism spectrum as being close to a lot of little spectra and that they're all a mixture of different levels.

On a different subject, we've started to realize that there are whole years each of us hold onto and remember. For instance, Pippa remembers sixth grade or Lilith parts of second. I don't know if this is normal or at least not uncommon. I (Violette) can only access those year's memories when the associated part is close to the surface. It isn't just the trauma memories either. This includes many of the happy memories too.

We've also started to realize that there were incidents where alters acted alone, and there may have been time loss involved. Moxie appears to have acted alone to sabotage potential relationships out of fear of future abuse.

Take care,
Violette

Over the course of the last week, events have conspired to make us begin to wonder a lot about our system.

To start with, both Bridgette and Marceline like to look young, but they act far, far older and it's beginning to feel like the way they look is a choice and our normal assessment of their age is off. We do understand that age we look was always out of sync with how we acted, so that may be a large part of it. We've often joked that we acted 20 at the age of 10 and are still acting 20 at nearly the age of 50.

We're also struggling with a lot of the new people on our friend's Discord server. It feels like we're just not wanting to be very social lately and that may be an after effect of all the stress we felt through June, July and August. It''s not been an easy thing to cope with at times.

On another front, we've lost a lot of weight and this is also causing issues for us. We're moving so much closer to having our surgeries that it's actually a frightening possibility. Perhaps we will finally get to the point we can do so in the not so distant future. This is wonderful as far as we're concerned.

Take care,
Violette

Our dad is in hospital again. He had a stroke. The good news is that he has a strong chance of making a full recovery. Yesterday, he was already making improvements.

This has lead to a lot of things being kind of upended. Even if he fully recovers, he will still be in hospital for a while. We're going to bring his cat downstairs so that we can more easily take care of her.

Yesterday was draining, and Beth was out a lot.

Beyond that, we were so tired that while we were talking to our physical therapist we kept slipping and saying 'we', so we just had to explain. She didn't bat an eyelash.

Take care,
Violette

She'll be helping to make it easier to visit him, and she'll be taking care of his cat while she's here.

we talked to him this morning and just got off the phone with our T. He's in pain and having double vision, but he can still talk. He isn't really confused, so things are still mostly good.

Thank you,
Violette