The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

Thank you. Things are calming down a bit, but as of today, we don't have to leave the house again until Wednesday (hopefully) and we don't have to do much other than some gaming.

We have a new video game we want to play and are enjoying it. We actually paid a lot so that we could play early before everyone else was piling into the game.

Vi

Trigger Warning Abuse

So, things are still bad and last night I cried a lot. LB has continued to spiral, but she seems to have stablized. But what keeps triggering me is that she says how 'you don't know EJ (her fiancee).' And how he isn't 'like that' when we say all we hear from him is anger and slurs. She says how sweet he is. She glosses over how he punched his car's windshield so hard it cracked because a movie theater didn't have something he wanted. He often scared her because of how angry he got.

Brother M was sweet too. He would give me candy. He said nice things. Then he would want to do bad things. He would then want me to do things. If I didn't he would say bad things.

Our mom and dad argued but they never got that angry either.

Why is it that I'm the only one who seems scared of EJ? Everyone else is trying to still be his friend, but I feel like I don't want to because he scares me so much.

Lilith.

Thank you. I have to agree. EJ has decided to go into therapy to avoid becoming a full on abuser, and wanted LB to move out of the house so he could work on everything without being in a full on relationship. LB took this as a breakup and spiralled. That left everyone else in the crossfire and now I just hurt so much.

We have therapy today.

I want my friend back, but it seems like that isn't going to happen for a while.

Lilith

Things are quiet now. The one effect of all of this is that we were so stressed and so upset and hurt that it caused a split to happen. We understand that this can happen. As of last night, though she was there for a bit longer, we welcomed Sorcha into our system. We feel sad that this happened, but we also accept that it happened. We certainly don't blame Sorcha for what happened.

Vi

ViTheta wrote:
We have a new video game we want to play and are enjoying it. We actually paid a lot so that we could play early before everyone else was piling into the game.

Vi

Sorry to hear you've been having a difficult time recently...What game did you get? I can't seem to stay focused with games unless one of the others are out and really want to be on a particular game. Haven't found the one game that I love and can't put down yet. Haven't managed any Yoga either for a bit with the heat and fatigue crash - Jay

We've been playing Diablo IV right now. We haven't finished the game yet since we have five characters and different alters play different characters, but that's ok

And thank you. Sometimes being the only friend who can explain to other friends why trauma behaves in a particular way is difficult.

Vi

The last two weeks kind of gave us a reality check when it comes to who we are, but in an odd way.

We've come to understand that our first therapist gave us the tools to cope with the trauma caused by the bullying we experienced. Our next therapist started a greater scope of trauma healing as well as transition care. And our current therapist is treating the even greater scope that has come forward.

It is kind of startling to realize that we've been slowly learning how to cope with the trauma. It isn't easy. It is a long, hard fought process.

Our friend LB's BPD going nuclear right now has meant that we've spent a lot of time trying to explain trauma to people who don't know what it's like to live with high levels of trauma while also getting her to realize that this is a long and involved process.

Back in the early 2000's when we started transition care and started remembering some of the Bad Things that happened, our behaviors included a lot of very maladaptive things including the whole issue of negative attachments, seeking out abuse, etc. We've healed most of that now, but there's so much more to heal too.

I'm actually greatful for all the people who have helped, and also greatful for the fact that, as a system, we are strong.

I keep reminding us-
We are strong together
Knowing is not healing.
Healing can happen.

Vi

That sounds very positive.

I've been finding that spending a little time focusing on things we're grateful for can really improve our outlook regardless of whatever else is going on. There's a lot of research on gratitude leading directly to increased happiness in life.

Thank you.

We've also been spending time learning more and more about DID and autism lately too and seeing how it impacts us. This has lead to changes in our life too including swapping out a purse for a mini-backpack that's big enough for all our needs like room for our headphones, our stims, and such. We've been making other adjustments for the benefit of our system as well like having something of a loose schedule for each of us to spend on our special interests.

Our T can only do so much, but we've talked to her about all the integration work and such so that she knows what we're doing. It's been helpful even if some days it doesn't feel that way. We've gotten better at knowing who is co-fronting and I have to admit it feels weird when I step back and let one of the others take over.

Thank you again,
Vi