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The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

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Re: The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

Postby ViTheta » Sat Nov 19, 2022 11:58 am

Uncle B is home from hospital. We're not overly happy about this, but he has his support system.

There is so much to do right now to get ready for Sister's visit. It's meant that so much time has been devoted to cleaning and shopping. It is still difficult at times for us all to communicate. Aunt P's passing actually was the first time I think we've had huge number of us actually talk. I'm doing what I can to make room for everyone to come out, and this adds both a layer of complexity in that we have to deal with a lot of activity upstairs, but also a bit a bit of space as the person who has been helping upstairs was through Aunt P's medical needs and won't be here. That means we can more easily avoid having to deal with other people as Father comes up only sporatically. If we could get him to just text or call us when he wants to discuss something, that would be wonderful.

Sister being here will also mean that she can get things sorted out about Father's medical needs and not burden us with meetings with some of his various case people. I (well, Beth mostly) deals with the primary care doctor, but we also go to the same doctor as Father.

We're working on things. We're hoping to give the Littles more time to do things. Pippa was out last night and I think Vera was with her.

Take care,
Vi
Autistic, DID, trans feminine.
System of twenty. Umbrella/System name Theta
Host: Violette. Alters active on forum: Pippa, Beth, Angel
Introductory thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221125.html
Journey thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221263.html
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Re: The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

Postby ViTheta » Sun Nov 20, 2022 1:19 pm

Last night was interesting. We are in a D&D game with our friends. They all know about the DID, but it's never been a huge issue. We don't have horrible amounts of amnesia between most of us who front and anyone who does can't really access the front without me being there to assist. However a few weeks ago (we had disruptions due to life), during the last session, Vera was out. She tried to play the character the way I (Vi) or Pippa would, but it was a struggle for her and our friends actually noticed the issues.

We actually decided and cleared with Ty (who is running the campaign) that our character has DID. She's got more amnesia between alters than we do, but that's going to lead to interesting issues. She also has a journal that she's been keeping to remember things. But this way we don't have as huge a problem with literally forgetting how to play the game.

Right now, everyone thinks our character hit her head in the last battle. She didn't take a single bit of damage, but still...

Beyond that. We're tired. People have been going in and out of upstairs the last few days and there's so much cleaning. I forgot stuff at the store and we even had a HUGE argument while at Aldi. I'm reminded again why DID is exhausting and not really any fun. Tomorrow I will have to go out briefly to get what I forgot. Next month we're going to get the flour we need to actually make things like pizza crusts. We can do pizza occasionally and that would be better than buying a frozen gluten free one.

I'm doing my best to make room for everyone. It isn't easy. I'm finding that not everyone really wants to come out to the front, though. That's fine. Beth's coming out more but not been very talkative. Bri has been out here and there. Mostly it's me, Pippa, Lilith, Vera, Marcie and Gia. Selene, Agnes and Anathema come out when they feel like it, but weeks can go by without talking to them. Angel was out a week ago but I feel like there's things going on with them. I may try seeing if I can get them to open up.

It's hard not having solid channels of communication for everyone yet. I need to be patient. It's not like I can force anyone to talk.

Take care
Vi
Autistic, DID, trans feminine.
System of twenty. Umbrella/System name Theta
Host: Violette. Alters active on forum: Pippa, Beth, Angel
Introductory thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221125.html
Journey thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221263.html
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Re: The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

Postby TheTriForce » Sun Nov 20, 2022 9:02 pm

Your doing really well with everyone. We took years to achieve direct communication between each other. Ours seem to have stopped arguing on the inside and LS has returned back inside after been out all weekend with me.

D&D is Dungeons and Dragons??? I've heard of it but never played it.
Body - F 50+ yrs disabled/autistic/DID Host: Jay
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Re: The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

Postby ViTheta » Sun Nov 20, 2022 10:44 pm

Thinking about it, yeah. I think there's a lot of communication between a lot of us. It just sometimes feels like there isn't. I mean, we've always kind of talked to each other as things went along. We just didn't know it.

We spent so much time alone. Even when we live in a household with other people, we were always alone except for each other. So, we would talk. In fact, the idea of 'I' was almost foreign. 'We are going to clean the bedroom'. 'We are going to go to the store'. 'We're going to go to class'. 'How is our cat doing?' Truthfully the idea of 'I' we didn't even really use to apply to ourselves until after Mother passed and then started back after a while. It's really only happened after I (Vi) was kind of alone up front while we recovered from Mother's passing.

So...I wonder if we've just been functional for a lot longer than we knew.

We just didn't acknowledge that we were separate even though we are.

Thank you TheTriForce
Take care
Vi.
Autistic, DID, trans feminine.
System of twenty. Umbrella/System name Theta
Host: Violette. Alters active on forum: Pippa, Beth, Angel
Introductory thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221125.html
Journey thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221263.html
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Re: The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

Postby ViTheta » Tue Nov 22, 2022 12:35 pm

The last few days have been lonely. All our friends are currently busy with the holidays so they haven't been in to chat lately. I think LJ needs some times to herself too. Thing is, we don't do all that well when we're alone for long stretches of time. There's a sense of powerlessness that comes with being alone. A sense of just isolation. We start thinking they don't like us any more or that we've angered them somehow.

Thing is, we talk to them via social media, but without their voice, sometimes it becomes a bit hard.

We start talking to each other a lot more when we're like this, though, and that just backs up what was said earlier. We have always talked to each other. When we're alone, we talk to each other all the time. We come out and interact a lot more in the outer world because we can. We've done this our whole existences. We just wrote it off as being 'silly' or 'having moods'. Now we just see it for what it is.

It's strange to think that our system exists the way it does because of isolation. Sometimes the only people we had to listen to what we were going through was each other. We're also pretty sure that this only amplified our trust issues with others, and certainly with people in authority.

We're also pretty sure our second T caught on to the DID, but with nothing ongoing in terms of bad stuff other than bullying, all she may have been able to do was set us on the path we went down. She couldn't have told our parents due to the law. A few of us (so Vi, Bri, Beth and Angel) actually have memories of her and her office meaning that we each talked to her at different times and since there are enough differences between us to notice, she may have caught on.

We've also considered posting a list of our system.

Take care,
The Theta System (since it's kind of a group effort this post).
Autistic, DID, trans feminine.
System of twenty. Umbrella/System name Theta
Host: Violette. Alters active on forum: Pippa, Beth, Angel
Introductory thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221125.html
Journey thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221263.html
ViTheta
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Re: The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

Postby TheTriForce » Tue Nov 22, 2022 1:40 pm

ViTheta wrote:
It's strange to think that our system exists the way it does because of isolation. Sometimes the only people we had to listen to what we were going through was each other. We're also pretty sure that this only amplified our trust issues with others, and certainly with people in authority.




Our system has evolved a lot due to the isolation due to ones that would never get to come out when life was busy and we were constantly surrounded by others and social demands when we did get 'time off'.

I do think it's been good for us. Kit thinks we would still be stuck as 'Maddie' and her mindset of what the body could do otherwise, but the one's who only come out when no-one else is about definitely 'blossomed' at a faster rate since the onset of pandemic and that first strict lockdown. They said it was the first time they felt 'free' to come out knowing no-one would be just dropping in and the most they had to do was take in deliveries from behind a facemask. They now confidently take our dog out to enjoy the outdoors though they do time it for when as few people are about as possible and still wear the facemask so other people are aware we are still in the vulnerable group as far as covid is concerned.

We also have a deep distrust of authorities or anyone who thinks they are 'boss' over us...carers, doctors etc I think that drives Kit's need to achieve complete independence from needing any physical assistance.

Jay
Body - F 50+ yrs disabled/autistic/DID Host: Jay
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Re: The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

Postby ViTheta » Tue Nov 22, 2022 2:30 pm

Since Aunt P's passing, we've also been more active. Aunt's aide is no longer here, so she isn't coming downstairs randomly to do laundry. This has meant that Gia's been willing to come out more, and that's been interesting. Picked up peppermint candy canes yesterday for her and she's loved them. I may have to get her peppermint tea. She seems to really love peppermint, chocolate and raspberries. There are others who have been willing to come out more too.

It's just that, over the years, we've spent most of our time alone. We talked to each other a lot without thinking about it as 'this is Gia' or 'this is Vi'. Now that we see it, though, it's actually rather nice to be able to say each other's names.

Plus, every time I do something stupid, I'm no longer saying 'that was dumb Bri' and hurting Bri's feelings. Now I can say 'that was dumb Vi' and feel okay about it.

Take care,
Vi
Autistic, DID, trans feminine.
System of twenty. Umbrella/System name Theta
Host: Violette. Alters active on forum: Pippa, Beth, Angel
Introductory thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221125.html
Journey thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221263.html
ViTheta
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Re: The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

Postby ViTheta » Thu Nov 24, 2022 1:52 pm

So, the last few days have been interesting.

Our friends have been busy getting ready for the holiday. It's Thanksgiving here in the US. Yesterday was 'go through Mother's possessions to decide what is getting donated. We took what we wanted and the rest will be donated. I've come to appreciate how much we look after each other. Pippa took care of a job that, honestly, would probably have had me too emotional to function. Agnes does a great job cooking and knows how to make just enough so that we don't over eat all the time.

All in all, we're learning to work together. It's just a long, patient slog at times.

Gia was out long enough to watch some cartoons before going back inside. She may take a bit before coming back out. We've promised more cartoons after Father moves upstairs and we have far, far more time all alone.

When one of us takes over, I 'hear' their voice all the time. If I want, I can talk to them while they are out, and we do that. I realize that most people don't hear their voices and probably don't catch the differences in inflection or the fact that some of us lisp more than others. LJ and LB are the only ones who seem to catch that. LJ has been friends with another system in the past and LB worked in nursing for a long time and interacted with several systems.

I do try to respond/react to everyone, but sometimes it is a lot to catch up with. I do hope that everyone who reads this is doing well.

Take care,
Vi
Autistic, DID, trans feminine.
System of twenty. Umbrella/System name Theta
Host: Violette. Alters active on forum: Pippa, Beth, Angel
Introductory thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221125.html
Journey thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221263.html
ViTheta
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Re: The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

Postby ViTheta » Tue Nov 29, 2022 12:48 pm

So...

Lilith was out for a while yesterday until Father showed up and kind of drove her back inside. We talked quite a bit. She age slides as yesterday she was more late teens, but she's also been more adult. At least she is amenable to change and making things better going forward. We think Queen may have also been intervening in trying to nudge towards healing certain aspects of our interactions. Which is good.

It's going to take time, especially when dealing with the sexual trauma.

Take care,
Vi
Autistic, DID, trans feminine.
System of twenty. Umbrella/System name Theta
Host: Violette. Alters active on forum: Pippa, Beth, Angel
Introductory thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221125.html
Journey thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221263.html
ViTheta
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Re: The Road Goes Ever, Ever On (Theta's Journey)

Postby ViTheta » Thu Dec 01, 2022 12:55 pm

I (Vi) have had some time to give this thought and felt like I'd commit it to the journal.

I am pretty sure I've talked about how, at the beginning (so about age six), there were three of us - Vi, Bri and Beth. From us three rose all the others over time.

Looking back, it was usually two out of the three of us who were operating in tandem at any given time with the only period of time where we were all three out and working together being during our teen years. Beth is really good with maths and science. Bri is good with history and social sciences. I'm good with literature and writing. Pippa was there too, but came out to do music. In a way, it was a way for us to excel at school. We worked together without understanding it.

Okay, so after High School, who was out depended on the situations.

Now, to get into the parts we're struggling with...

It seems that my group in the system are the trauma holders. Myself, Marcie, Vera, Pippa, Ana, Leila, Angel, Agatha, Octavia, Gia and Lilith all hold awful things.

Beth's group seem to be the bulk of our protectors. Beth is our caretaker. Selene is our spiritual guardian. Keira is our internal protector. Bonnie and Val are our physical protectors.

I'm not entirely sure what Bri's group are other than a mix. Bri is our most autistic alter, but also the one who love learning about history. Agnes is our cook and herbalist. Marcus is a maladaptive protector. Queen is our gatekeeper.

I find it easier to work within my subsystem than across subsystems. We're still sorting things out as to who belongs within which subsystem. Selene, Agnes and Ana all seem to be the only ones who cross subsystems with ease, but I can only work with them when they are working with Ana.

Everyone else other than Queen I lose time with. Talking to Marcus caused a migraine.

Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to grab hold of an eel and study it when it comes to all of this.

Take care,
Vi
Autistic, DID, trans feminine.
System of twenty. Umbrella/System name Theta
Host: Violette. Alters active on forum: Pippa, Beth, Angel
Introductory thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221125.html
Journey thread https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic221263.html
ViTheta
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