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Hello And An Introduction

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Re: Hello And An Introduction

Postby ViTheta » Thu Jul 28, 2022 7:09 pm

It sometimes feels like this is going to be always difficult and I'm working on it slowly. There's a few inside trying to push us into have this sorted out right away.

I at least feel alright about all of this for the moment. I'm hoping to keep Angel feeling like he doesn't need to change unless he wants to. It sometimes feels complicated.

I have started to put a few things down in my journal for what triggers me. This way I can remember them since one of them is something that I remembered a while ago but then forgot. Sometimes it is hard to have things that I forget because they're scary but they also hurt me if I don't know.

Right now, I need to concentrate on just getting rules set down and to make it less possible for things to get stressful for us. Sele pushed through to the front in a panic yesterday and stressed us all out. This caused Pippa to not want to come out. Some days I feel like I'm trying to deal with the psychological issues of a dozen different people, and that's actually pretty true isn't it?

Thank you for all your advice. Monday I talk to my T again. I'm hoping things will go alrigt.
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Re: Hello And An Introduction

Postby ViTheta » Fri Jul 29, 2022 4:33 pm

Today is a bad day.

I'm not going to go into trigger territory, but there's always that possibility.

For some reason, I get PMS. I shouldn't, but I do. I have since I was 14, and it just started again.

I couldn't find any information about the effects of PMS on DID systems. Right now, it feels like everything is in an uproar. The worst part is that I have one alter, Lilith, who seems intent on using these times to trigger the system into a reaction in order to 'desensitize' us. I'm not sure why she thinks this would work. We end up feeling sick and horrible and just can't cope.

Everyone seems to be hiding right now too. I think they're scared of Lilith.

I know that this will pass, but Goddess...
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Re: Hello And An Introduction

Postby ArbreMonde » Sun Jul 31, 2022 12:02 pm

Desensitization does not work this way but I understand why Lilith would try to do something about it. Desensitization is the opposite of a trigger.

It might be a good idea to call her near the front (or full front depending on what works best) and read / watch videos about cognitive and behavioral therapy, and how to follow a proper desensitization protocol. She might merely lack the information about it, or get a bit impatient about the results. I know I sometimes get impatient myself. CBT takes AGES but what makes it efficient is that it takes ages. That is what allows the desensitization instead of falling into trigger area.

She has the spirit. Now she only needs a bit more of a technique and she'll be good to help you all. It can be frustrating to take the time to aquire the proper tool/technique but it is what makes things efficient on the long run. You cannot screw something with a hammer. Taking the time to get a screwdriver can be frustrating but once you have the proper screwdriver, suddently, screws become easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy instead of stressy-stressy-lemon-zesty. ;)

Get a metaphorical screwdriver, Lilith. It takes time but you'll be more efficient on the long run. ;)
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Re: Hello And An Introduction

Postby ViTheta » Sun Jul 31, 2022 7:49 pm

Thank you again for the advice.

Today is better, and I will try working with Lilith on this. She is, at least, willing to talk and listen. Tomorrow is therapy, and that also has us all a bit anxious.

Still, I bought Little G a plush doll that was her second choice. We're trying to get her to come forward more so we can also work on her trauma.

I'm so glad to have support and help.
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Re: Hello And An Introduction

Postby ViTheta » Mon Aug 01, 2022 3:20 pm

Well, therapy went mostly well. My T is still old school when it comes to DID, but at least she believes me about Beth and Marcus. Still, she admits that it will be years down the road before we're even able to 'integrate'. I did tell her the truth about when someone takes over and how it's less being completely unaware and more being aware but still losing time/experience. I didn't tell her about how many of us there are, though. So, yeah, it's there and in the file if it ever needs to be called upon.

The doll we bought for Little G arrived today. She came out for a bit and sat there hugging the doll and rocking back and forth. She's so happy to have it. She's still rather non-verbal. She's said a few things, but not much of anything.
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Re: Hello And An Introduction

Postby ArbreMonde » Tue Aug 02, 2022 5:46 am

In the old school DID vocabulary, "integration" means "fusion of the alters". In the modern DID vocabulary, "integration" means "healing traumas and sharing ressources and memories" and it is seen as separate from "fusion of the alters". In the modern terminology, when all the ressources are shared and traumas healed and the alters remains, it is called a state of "resolution" or "functionnal multiplicity".

Good job listening, Lilith! You'll see with time that with the proper tools your job will be so much easier! Your willingness to listen and learn new therapy tools makes you super awesome. :D

I'm glad the plush arrived for Little G! Non-verbal alters can communicate through gestures, pictures, sounds, songs, using small toys / action figures, and so on. It does not need to be verbal to be a proper communication.

It was brave to talk to your therapist.

Keep up the good job!
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Re: Hello And An Introduction

Postby ViTheta » Tue Aug 02, 2022 11:34 am

Thank you. Little G is communicating, which is good. There's so much trauma wrapped inside her, though. Getting her to open up and heal is going to be hard.

One thing I forgot to mention yesterday is that I (Vi) and Beth swapped out mid session. We're over the phone due to my physical issues causing me not to be able to travel very far right now. I know that Beth talked about the struggles we face taking care of our father, but not all of it.

For now, we'll just deal with the traumas.

Therapy is always draining, though. So yesterday was kind of lost, but we're feeling much better today.
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Re: Hello And An Introduction

Postby ViTheta » Thu Aug 04, 2022 2:54 pm

So, I figured I would add to my journey. I've recently discovered that a community that I am part of has a number of Systems and I've gotten the opportunity to talk to a couple of them here and there. It's been wonderful to talk to other systems. We've also been working on being a bit more open in safe spaces.

Beyond that, life continues on as it always has. We're losing weight with the goal of having our final transition surgeries in the future. This is helping the system a lot. Lilith suffers the worst from the gender dysphoria even if all of us have some level of it except for Angel and Marcus.

We're also working on communication and trying to make space and time for everyone. This isn't easy. We've also had a couple of 'hard switches' as we like to think of them where the switch between us is fast and that tends to make us feel like a ringing bell. It's happened around a couple of people whom Pippa is scared of even if those people are overall nice.

i figured that I would share some of the positive as opposed to the negative.
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Re: Hello And An Introduction

Postby ViTheta » Sun Aug 07, 2022 1:35 pm

It took more than a day to finally figure out why I have been crying almost non-stop.

It finally filtered back to Little G that our T is talking about fusion rather than integration and this scared her a lot. She's terrified that her Sis is going to go away like her dolls did. After a little bit of time with her new doll, she was happy and far more talkative than before. I think the silence is trauma related now. We sat for a while with her new doll and she feels a bit better.

At least it's a step forward. But yeah, we're going to keep going with our current T, but we're also not going to push the idea of fusion at all.
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Re: Hello And An Introduction

Postby ViTheta » Mon Aug 08, 2022 2:29 pm

**Possible trigger warning**

Ugh...so last night I had to deal with an icky person.

I'm open in a few places about having DID. There's other systems there so it's nice to talk to them. Thing is, someone who isn't a system got in touch with me to ask me questions. That's absolutely fine. I don't mind answering questions, but then they got all creepy and sexual. I kept trying to tell them 'look, I'm not in a place where I can even think about this and there's HUGE caveats. Like there's triggery things to do with particular anatomy that we can't deal with'. The person clams to be a trans woman but pre/non op. Now, we don't have a problem with someone who's trans (I mean, obviously), but she would have to be post op for us to be comfortable.

Ugh...I don't want to be bad or rude or awful to this person, but YUCK. I want to be friendly, and even make friends...but this just...I'm not sure I can talk to them without being scared they'll do something icky.

Pippa.
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