moving on

not sure what I need right now. maybe I just need to talk. Our T is on vacation and we will only see her after an important appointment.
We've been waiting for this for almost 6 months. we finally got an appointment with the institution that is responsible for the work rehab we applied for. They are supposed to help us find a way to work again. Usually starting with an assessment of what we would be able to do, considering our disabilities. And then we get the option of more professional training. where we live, learning a profession means that you get thoroughly trained for 3 years, you get a job title and then you work in that specific profession. that makes choosing a profession a big deal because you can't just change it and apply for a different job (unless its unskilled work for minimum wage).
I am panicking. Not feeling ready for this at all. Somehow we felt ready last year after the clinic. We felt kind of ready in january. not feeling ready at all now. our body has gone into a non-24 wake-sleep cylce completely. we have worked on shame with some success but we are also very much still working on finding stability in who we are and what we want. I don't feel ready for big life choices. Inside things are all over the place. the kids are scared of returning to a work routine where we are stressed and there is little time for ourselves. the adults have no clue where this is going. we had no clue in January, but back then we somehow felt more confident that we will figure it out on the way. 10 days to the appointment with their consultant and I feel like I don't even know why we wanted this so badly. I just feel like we are creating work for someone, that we are a waste of effort, shame messages like that. no courage. just panic.
we thought we were ready to move on. to get out of disability. use our energy to earn money, create a better life. it feels utterly unreal and unrealistic now. this would change our whole life. we have found a rhythm that kind of works for us and it will all be changed. it is way too scary to think of it. they demand that you bring a bunch of documents about schooling, jobs etc. when I found the courage to put together the documents I found them prepared in a folder already. total amnesia for that. signs we are falling apart a bit from the stress... I am shaking when I think of it.

Sending lots of support! That sounds really hard.

It sounds like there's nothing you have to decide at this first appointment. At most, it will be an assessment that will give you information that might help you with the next step. More likely, the consultant will just be gathering information and the assessment will come later.

You certainly don't have to choose your profession at that initial appointment. And you can opt out of this whole process at any point, so you always have the option of keeping the life you have right now. All you're doing is gathering information.

Would it help to call and ask what to expect at the first appointment? That might help people calm down. It sounds like some of them are equating this appointment with immediately starting a full-time job!

I'm sure there's a lot of assistance with choosing the right profession before you start the training--they don't want it to be a mistake any more than you do. And the idea would be that you would choose something you enjoy--something you enjoy learning about, and something you would enjoy doing.

And it's unlikely that all the jobs are only inflexible full-time jobs. There's likely the opportunity for part-time work, or flexible hours, etc.

When we're facing something like this, we do lots of self-soothing things, and try to make clear factual statements to the littles to calm them down. (Sometimes for us it's as simple as repeating "no one is going to hit you or yell at you." "no one will suddenly hate you or hurt you if you make a mistake or do something wrong," etc)

Wishing you well.

(We were so worried when we saw the topic that you were going to say you were moving on from the forum and saying goodbye--we're so relieved it isn't that!!!)

I only realized after posting that this could be misunderstood... sorry for that.

you are right. the appointment is meant to inform me about options. one of them is a thorough assessment and that is what my clinic recommended because I need a new direction in life. the jobs I picked in the past were literal reenactments of the parentifcation pattern in my family. I don't have the physical ability to do that anymore and you need the mental ability of a firefly for it. It would make sense to use my mental talents more.

they ask me to bring all my certificates and a CV and it was a major shame trigger. my CV looks like hell. I managed my training, with a 1 year break because I was inpatient that the time. I couldn't hold down a job for more than a year after that. lots of small underpaid jobs. uni dropout. it is a story of trying and failing. then the big breakdown and 8 years of nothing. I feel so ashamed of the profession I learned now. It was one for people with very low cognitive levels. totally out of place when you look at who we are today. we feel like we know stuff, like we are a bit of an expert in our niche. they will see that we have super low level training and couldn't hold down jobs. there is so much shame about our life history...
and once the shame is triggered I suddenly feel like I am bothering the consultant. I insisted on a live appointment together with a paperwork lady. in case we miss something or go braindead or something. because of corona they have been in home office, wanted a call on the phone. I don't use phones. especially not for important conversations. if feels like I made it all super hard for them and I am not worth all the effort of giving me a live appointment. just for telling me general infos. its just stupid stuff that is going on in my brain. how dare I insist on my needs when they have different needs...

they are actually highly trained in matching disabled people with jobs they can do. and adapting existing jobs to make it easier to keep them. the consultants are supposed to be super kind, engaged and professional. and all I am expecting is another guarded conversation like I am having them with other official places like the jobcenter. Jobcenter means guarding your tongue at all times, only saying what they need to hear, not sharing anything that they could use against you, always watching out for a trick and when you fail they take away money from the already low funds they provide. literally taking away your food money. I am so used to seeing people in big government buildings as the engemy I need to protect against. even our T pointed that out. I feel like I am going to war. When these consultants are supposed to be chilled social workers who honestly just try to help. in reality, this is the petting zoo, not the tiger cage.
I need so much reality checking it is almost ridiculous. my brain and body have entered a war zone and it is extremely hard to convince myself even just to question that. too many years of these other kinds of appointments.

birdsong87 wrote:how dare I insist on my needs when they have different needs...

We can really relate to this. Especially because we're always (like you, too, probably) trying to figure out and anticipate other people's needs. Putting ours first feels like we're ignoring theirs.

birdsong87 wrote:in reality, this is the petting zoo, not the tiger cage.

It would help us to keep this in mind for the performance project we're doing. We spend the day leading up to the evening rehearsal feeling very anxious about what will happen, and when we're there, people are generally kind and just trying to make everything work.

It sounds like you're able to do the reality checking, which is great--it doesn't matter how much is needed or how often you have to do it. And good for you for arranging the appointment to increase the chances of it being successful--which will mean that you'll leave with the information you need about your options, and then you can decide what your next step will be.

we already only had an appointment with our T after the appointment with the rehab consultant. now our T cancled that too. the sense of being alone with all of this is overwhelming. it is not just an assessment. its the step into a new season in our life. new huge challenge that will change all our routines and how we spend our time. I don't want to do it alone.

Can you email her and have some kind of contact? I know you said you don't do phone. Can you do it by video? Or at least let her know how you're feeling? Perhaps even a written response from her will help you feel less alone with this.

we still have an agreement that she doesn't write back unless it is directly about changing an appointment. even if I write, there wouldn't be a response and her secretary said she is out of office, so its double guaranteed that there won't be a response and she won't read it until she is back in office. I will write a summary of what we worked on during her vacation next week.
I will have to contact friends if I want someone to talk to. no problem. I just really hate this sense of being left alone and it always happens when we have to postpone.

our T is sick with covid and won't be there for another 2 weeks.
We got thru the first consultation appointment. It was pretty frustrating because they don't offer the options we thought we would have and it feels like they are grossly understimating us. After doing some research we realized that it would still be best to move on the way the guy suggested. there are 3 programs we can pick. all basically do the same, they are just offered by different companies. we will check them all out to find out which one is the smallest misfit for us. the 4th option is a training but we could probably get the money to pay for it ourselves with time if we really want it.