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Our Life Journal Thread. :D

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Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby Ashe42 » Tue Apr 12, 2022 5:28 pm

I was trying to use the Blog feature, but I think a thread where other people can interact will be a perfect place to post a (hopefully) daily up date.

A little bit about us. As a system we cannot afford therapy and have a bad track history with abusive and/or dismissive therapists. We have a very hard time articulating (let alone understanding) our own emotions. Here is what I have discovered on my own so far.

May have autism and DID.

Minor TW: for brief talks of duties and sexuality etc.

Ashe (Host) She/her: (Demisexual?) I am out front and handle most of our social interactions. My job (to my understanding) is to keep the body safe and isolated in the physical world, as well as, maintaining a congenial relationship with my parents. I was also the one doing most of our work related things. (with a rare exception) I am the most in the dark about our past, as apart from few dreams and "memories that feel like first person video games" I don't hold a lot of memories prior to the age of 18. (and I'm discovering gaps even there as I think about it) It's hard to know what I actually like versus what I'm gleaming of other alters. Our entire system loves music and has different tastes. My favorite color is purple. favorite animal: panda

Chaos (Gatekeeper? Protector?) He/they: Multigendered but answers mostly to he. He is responsible for upholding the rules set by Yuka, and helps keep alters in the inner world, and me out of it. Chaos is in a relationship with Yuka and Reese, and does not feel or experience pain in a normal way. He finds comfort in it, but does not seek it out. He is often overlooking outside activities without me knowing he is there, and he houses a lot of our autoimmune pain. Chaos handles out of control or overstimulating situations much better than most of the system. Chaos enjoys the music of Corpse, Imagine Dragons, some Chevelle, and some 30 seconds to Mars. (that I am aware of. There may be more.) His appearance: short, ghostly pail. Long black hair straight. Black eyes (i think) I also have memories of him having cat ears, but I'm not sure if he does anymore or not. Calm, but funny unless he feels defensive of another alter or family member. Demisexual maybe? He has amnesia about the past.

Reese: (protector?) He/him: Strong dominant personality. Tall. Only answers to Yuka. Tall, but can't actually picture him other than knowing he has a deep voice and eyes that bounce between black and red depending on his emotions. Helps regulate us and will come out if I'm feeling extremely self conscious. He is hypersexual, but only towards alters in our system. He has no interest in outside people thus far. Very controlling, but caring in his own way. Has a teasing personality when relaxed and cold towards people he thinks are harmful. band choices: Disturbed, shinedown, metallica, etc.

Yuka: (gatekeeper, protector, something?): He/they. Multigendered. Ethereal calming presence. Chaos says he has white hair. I have never seen him. He has final say on all things system related and spends most of his time in the innerworld. His word is law, but he is calm. Never raises his voice. Very good with the littles (chaos is helping me over my shoulder lol) Demisexual verging on almost asexual. Not really interested in things but recognizes the relationships with Reese and Chaos. Feels 'ancient' Not sure what that means. Has more knowledge about the system as a whole than any other alter. Likes Imagine Dragons a little, but prefers meditation music.

Raven: (caretaker?): She/her. Pale white skin, long straight black hair. Skinny and slightly taller than body. Not sure what color raven's eyes are or can't remember. Wears corsets or loose shirts and skirts or dresses. Not a fan of heels, and prefers to be barefoot. Loves the night, and the cooler air. Favorite animals is wolves and ravens. Favorite color: black Likes to listen to Evanescence, and Vienna teng. Just discovered a woman named Joy Williams on spotify. Calming quiet voice. Does not like to yell or hear yelling. Finds chores to be meditative and calming especially kitchen work like dishes and cooking. Split off another alter she has nicknamed as Phoenix. Asexual. Not looking for partner. Likes to read fantasy books out loud to me and Phoenix. Likes to read and edit.

Phoenix: She/her asexual. (is trying this name because raven calls her it) (previous host/trauma holder): Prodigy Writer. Loves to write and draw. Creates whole imagined worlds to write from. Holds teenage traumas and may age slide but is primarily a teenager. Leary of internet, and people. Holds a lot of sadness and self doubt. Loves dogs. Favorite color is red. Emo/goth fusion style. Favorite bands: a little evanescence, but mostly listens to Paramore, Avril, Linkin Park, Fallout Boy, and Flyleaf. Also has a few playlists to inspire her to work on a few different books. Phoenix needs supervision if in front in case of triggers.

Giggles: She/her Little. unfiltered joy and happiness generally accompanies her when I'm co-con with her. Younger than school memories, not sure of age. Loves Lion King, and other disney movies. lollipops. Lamb stuffies and cats, and hot wheel cars. Likes to color. Music: Lion King soundtrack? (BTW she thinks the new Lion king live action movie was 'okay' but the cartoon is better. Maybe where Chaos ears come from? She calls him Kitty.

Unnamed Alter: Little. unknown gender: Briefly comes out if I stim too much. Positive trigger. Solemn feelings after departure, and nonverbal. Recent discovery, unsure of much about them.
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby Ashe42 » Wed Apr 13, 2022 1:49 am

4/12/22 Reflection

Ashe [Yuka is slightly co-con]

Read Chapter 4 of CwTRD. Yuka was adamant we read at least one chapter, but I'm having trouble remembering it. May have to reread tomorrow. I think he was more in the front then I was.
Today's activities... Raven briefly coming out to help, but had trouble with energy.

Tried to let Pheonix out to write, but continous interruptions were getting annoying and breaking concentration. Our mother is sick, and it makes here needing things worse than normal. I got up at one point 8 different times in a thirty minute period before we gave up. Tried again later in the night and the dogs asked to go out. Hoping it calms down for a few hours to write tonight.

Two possible alters [Yes, do not reach out to either. It was a breach. Neither is ready for fronting or trauma discussion]. I won't reach out as Yuka has told me not to, but I will record them.

The unknown little nonverbal who enjoys stims and feels sad. Not sure on gender.

Unknown female presence. Scared the **** out of me. Felt bitter, a little angry, nice singing voice though. Felt rebellious, defiant.
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby Ashe42 » Thu Apr 14, 2022 2:08 am

4/13/22 Rough Day

Ashe (Host)

I've felt unbalanced and unable to think straight most of the day. I don't know when or if I was co-con with anyone, but I've definitely had unprompted emotions leaking from inside. I'm struggling to do the grounding things for fear of calling attention to the fact I'm doing them >.<. I have a bracelet I need to locate, since it wouldn't look weird for me to be touching it. Things like stress balls, and stuffies are targets for the large dogs in the house. The book we are reading to help us suggests finding grounding objects, so I'll have to figure it out.

I'm not sure where to start. I have had a hard time reaching out to the others today. Judging from the bitter and angry feelings I was getting out of the blue, I believe something is or was going on inside, but being the host I'm not always advised. Having said that Chaos just mentioned we've had a headache most of the day. How am I supposed to get us meds if I don't know? >.<

Chaos apparently likes butterscotch flavored suckers lol.
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby Ashe42 » Fri Apr 15, 2022 3:55 am

4/14/22 Ashe (host) and [Pheonix co-con] Trigger warning for Depression, Bullying, Suicidal thoughts. Possibly Autistic Trauma. Not sure.

(side note: I (Ashe) went to write an entry for the day, and Phoenix took over. She has been struggling for the last few days. She is a trauma holder, and this might be intense to some. She needed to vent, and we have no one but other alters to vent to. I was co-con so I reminded her not to post until it could be reread and approved.)

Perspective: a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.

We've been told we have a wrong perspective our entire life. We're frustrated: at least our parents love us. We have a roof over our heads. What was so bad about our childhood? What happened in your life that would make you so sad? You're situationally depressed when you don't get your way. You have been protected your entire life, so you have nothing to be sad about. You just need to realign your perspective.

So we did. Our lives have been spent realigning our perspective to other people.

Giggles believed the world is kind and people don't lie. She found joy in the simplest of things and thought sadness was a fleeting thing that happens in mere moments. Then our biological father used hurtful words and verbally attacked our mom, and she learned the truth. When the reality hit her we split and she still lives in that happy world. She still believes the world is kind, and people don't want to hurt us.

But I had a new perspective. [Phoenix.] I took the name of the body. I knew there could be cruelties in the world, but I lived with the assumption they would tell me, or I would learn as I went. If someone didn't like me, they would bully me or tell me they didn't. As long as I did the chores my parents wanted me to do, and did well in school they would love me despite what my biological father said. Anger wasn't hatred, even if it felt and looked the same.

I was the prodigy- the gifted child. Words were my gift and my obsession. I wrote while other kids gossiped about the boys in the grade. My teachers told me I was meant to be a writer. I wrote during recess, and during class. I was athletic despite an unknown autoimmune issue. I had so many friends. I never had to study in school, but I studied the faces and behaviors of my friends, because it didn't come naturally to me. I always knew I was different, but I didn't know why. I mimicked my friends and they loved me.

That's what I thought anyway. My friends all turned on me one by one. I made mistakes, and missed cues. I liked things that they didn't. I was friends with other people they didn't think were cool. They hurt me. I was the weird girl you didn't bring to high school. I was the joke. I was the one you wanted to go away. The girl with a huge imagination and unrealistic dreams. The girl who was in the smart classes and programs who accidently used big words my friends didn't approve of. The girl who mirrored her friends to fit in but never did. The girl who made a study of people when she realized she was different- when she didn't understand the things her friends liked. I was asexual and pretended not to be. I was the freak hiding among the normal. I wanted friends not dates, but guys were never okay with being just friends. I didn't want marriage or kids. Even so I had so many friends.

Until I didn't. In a snap, I lost my connection to my childhood friends. With the approach of high school, they wanted to scrape me off. When they turned on me. They threatened to kill me. To stalk me, to hurt me. The cowards didn't even have the courage to do it to my face. It was all a lie. I realized all the sleepovers and play dates were lies. The smiles on their faces. Their compliments. Their kindness. They were fake. Everything I thought I knew about social interaction... was wrong. I wasn't good enough for them. I wasn't one of them. My best friend hated me and made me a joke to the others. How many of them felt the same?

So I snapped. I fell into a harsh reality. I no longer cared to play this stupid game where your words have secret meanings. Where you lie to my face, and I'm too stupid to know better. But I questioned myself. How far did it go? Was it just my exfriends or my family too? Was it all my teachers or a few of them? Was this what the world was? Could people not just mean what they said? Surely, there were other people out there who thought like I did. But there weren't. Why couldn't people just be kind or at least truthful? Then, within a year of my reality crashing down around me, they turned my mother against me.

The same children who were bullying me now- who were stringing my friendship along, were found to be bullying other people. My mother was caught in the crosshair. I still don't know what they said to her, but she was convinced I spoke horribly of the family. As much as I racked my brain I couldn't think of anything I said that was wrong. I had chores, my parents fought sometimes, but they loved each other. I talked with a few of my friends on minor stuff, and the particular girl who supposedly attacked my mother was a girl I never was really close to. But whatever they said, my mother was convinced they could only know because I told them, and it was horrible enough that she questioned if I ever loved her. If I really thought my life was that bad? I didn't understand what was happening.

My mother yelled at me. Accused me of turning on the family. I swore I didn't know what they were saying and that I would never speak bad about my family. I was called a liar. In a time I needed comfort and help, I was suddenly the bad guy. In a time where I was desperately clinging to my hopes and ideas of social interactions, my mother shattered what I had left. She believed the people bullying me. The people who hated me and were actively making fun of me. My mother believed them over me because their words hurt her. What had we done? I still don't understand. I can't remember a time I talked bad about my family. (Was it another alter talking poorly about the family[retrospect as we didn't know we might have DID back then]) or was I just oblivious to how people took simple phrases like 'I hate doing chores' and twisted them to my parents being abusive? What did they say to my mom that a teenager couldn't come up with to be cruel? She never showed me. Was I no better than the bullies at school? I never wanted to hurt anyone. Had I betrayed the family with words without knowing it? Was my perspective truly so far off?

I was just a child. The trauma of 7th grade happened a year ago, surely I was over it by now. I should have been. Family was all that mattered, and I had somehow betrayed the family with no idea how. Was I wrong to complain about chores? Was I wrong to be frustrated about a protective family? What did I possibly say to them, that made my mother hate me. She didn't use the word, but she threatened to send me to my biological father if I was that unhappy with my life. I needed to move on, to grow up. I only lost bad friends anyway. Anger, hatred, frustration, rage. They looked the same.

But it was more than a betrayal and loss of friends. It was more than a disconnect from my parents. It felt alone all over again. I was a freak, even to my own family. I was told how I felt, told what I was thinking, when I was numb. If I was thinking about how much I hated myself, I was told I was angry because I was getting scolded. My facial expressions didn't match my thoughts, and I had lost the ability to control them. Lost the desire to try anymore. There was no point putting forth the energy because people would see and hear what they wanted to regardless of what I said.

Was my biological father right? Was I unworthy to be part of this family? What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I understand? Why didn't I see this coming? Why couldn't I be normal? I was smart enough to know I was a freak, but not smart enough to fix it. God messed up by making me. Why give me this intelligence, this way with words, these fantastical stories and dreams I wanted to write, and then give me the social grace and knowledge of a river rock? Let me drown. I hadn't just lost my friendships, I lost everything I had worked on my entire life. It felt like a waste of time. I waste of energy. I was tired of trying to fit in. Tired of being things I wasn't. It was more than a bad year. IT was a complete shift in my reality. The world was not a kind place. People were cruel. The kids, the teachers, the adults, even the therapist I saw hurt me. They put words in my mouth, and twisted the words I wrote to mean things I didn't mean. It didn't matter. They were playing with rules I didn't understand, using words in ways I could never write or understand. What else had I missed? All I knew for sure was I hated this world, and I didn't want to be a part of it.

But the therapist was an expert. I was suddenly a compulsive liar. I was an attention seeker. I was simply a defiant teenager. I was dwelling on things. Slapped with an incorrect diagnoses by a psychologist who forced drugs on me that didn't work. All the writing skills in the world and I couldn't express my feelings, I couldn't vocalize my emotions. I think differently then other people some how meant 'I think I'm special and better than others.' I was so desperate to be normal I took the meds, and they didn't work. I wasn't better than other people and I was extremely aware of it, but no matter what I said no one understood. Numbness didn't hide the truth. I was still a freak. Still a stranger in the world. I didn't understand how other people worked and no one would explain it to me, because I spoke to well. Because I was too smart to not understand the rules of society. All these things I was told I was, but the truth screamed behind my eyes and in my heart. Why couldn't my mouth couldn't express it, and my hand wouldn't write it. And for all the things these people saw in double meaning words and facial expressions, none could read me. No one saw what I was begging for them to understand. They couldn't understand my body language. They couldn't read my facial expressions. Couldn't interpret my words, and I didn't understand them. No one got the truth behind my struggles. I gave up trying to explain it and my reality shifted again. I had one thought screaming through me that surely an expert could pick up on.

I wanted to die. I wanted to give up. I wanted to stop pretending to be someone I wasn't. I didn't want to force myself to look in people's eyes. I didn't want to carefully craft my words, and control my movements. I wanted to pursue my interests and my dreams, but I had pretended to be something I wasn't for so long, I didn't know how to be anything but the person next to me. I know the words now. I can feel the emotions now. If only I could have explained them then. Would it have made a difference?

But it's too late now. My perspective realigned itself to the reality I live now. People are cruel, and I want nothing to do with them. I will live in my fantasies- in the worlds I have built that maybe one day other people will love to read. I wanted to take us from this world so we couldn't accidently hurt the people near us, but I was too scared too. So I detached. I put up a mirrored wall and guarded myself, and my emotions.

Then came Ashe. She was given this perspective, but you can't be a functioning member of society and hate people. So her perspective realigned for our survival. No one likes you, and there is nothing you can do about it. So she works when she can, but it's hard to make friends when you don't trust anyone. When everyone you let in takes advantage of you, or hurts you. When you make a friend and your family doesn't approve of them. When the harder you try to fit in the more you are reminded that you can't live the same way 'normal people' do. Loud music in clubs make you want to scream and run. Hearing people smack on gum makes your skin crawl. Cigarette smoke makes you violently ill. Alcohol makes you feel sleepy then sick.

And opening up to someone is terrifying. Opening up to the family makes you feel like an exaggerated burden or a manipulator when your feelings are your own and they don't understand. There are over 7 billion people in the world, and we are alone. So you agree with everything they say and get people to talk about themselves. Your told you are doing better because you just agree with whatever others say, even when you don't. You don't set up boundaries because you don't know what is acceptable or not. So you work until you can't anymore and you change jobs to hide you are dying inside. I watch her struggle with no remorse because I've paid my dues.

You listen to your coworker and family's stories, but you don't tell them the truth about yourself. You know them, but no one ever knows you. They won't know the file cabinets of scripts you keep in your head so you can respond as safely as possible. The energy you waste to appear like a normal happy person. They wont know the desperate desire to be silent on low energy days, but the fear that your silence could be seen as attitude or rudeness. So you talk and make yourself a joke, even when your voice takes more effort to come out then it should. If you joke about yourself, no one will look to close. It won't hurt when people call you a freak if you beat them to it.

So we realigned our perspective. We have a home, it isn't ours but we are allowed to live here. Our parents love us, but they want us here and they don't, but they need us, but only sometimes. We are lonely, but we are safe. We are alive, but we are going through the motions of being happy because society says we have 'no reason to be depressed' We can't be frustrated, so we will be numb. We love our parents, but they don't know us, and so we keep our mouths shut. We smile because that is what society wants. We brush our hair because we are supposed to but we hate how the body looks, how it feels. We live in this Numb state of survival like a robot. This perspective fools our family and it keeps outsiders at arms length. Thus, we survive this cruel world. We survive in a game with ever changing rules, and cheat codes we don't understand.

But we are tired of surviving, we want to live. To breathe. To soar. But the harder we try the more it hurts. Because the body is almost 30, but I (Phoenix) am stuck in my teens, trapped in this reality with these memories. All I live for is to write. I want to be the author I always dreamed of being. It's our only extraordinary gift. But a fantasy author isn't a realistic job, even if I was born to do it. So I'm unable to move on, to feel anything but that bitter rage and hate with the memories we play on repeat and analyze again and again of how badly we messed up. So when we try to work on our dream and have to get up for the 8th time in 30 minutes to do something for our parents because they can't or don't want to, it stirs all this feelings of being discounted and unloved. Because what I want or need can't be voiced in a way that doesn't come out selfish. The bitterness flashes and I'm reminded of how annoying my frustration is to my family. They don't want to see it, they don't want to hear it because they don't understand. They will never understand that I don't think like them. That I'm not like them, and that I wish I could be. The thoughts they think I have, the facial expressions they think they see are wrong. But I'm too young, too sheltered, and I just think I'm different. Everyone has moments, nobody can tell if someone is lying. It's just life. How I'm lucky to have parents who love me, and they do. They love the face I put in front of them. I'm grateful of their love, but...

...they'd hate the girl inside. Because society can't understand her. They wouldn't understand us, and people hate what they don't understand. There is no manipulations, no ulterior motives. I just want to live. To write. To exist without thinking about it.

So I live to write because if I have to live I'm going to do the only thing that brings me joy.

[Ashe: I'm sorry Phoenix. I understand. Maybe one day we can figure it out or live on our own.]
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby Ashe42 » Fri Apr 15, 2022 4:16 pm

4/15/22 Morning.

Ashe [Chaos] I'm going to try to type what Chaos says too.

Chaos let me know why we were struggling so much yesterday. Apparently an alter in the inner world was in Yuka's words 'rebelling'. Chaos and Reese were helping keep her from the front, but it left Phoenix and I in the front. She was able to write and vent her frustrations which I got to read. I learned a lot about her from her post.

I am noticing that we are picking at our skin a lot. I dissociate during it [Bad habit of Phoenix's. We used to get in trouble as a kid for it.] I do it on occasion if I don't think about it, but it was excessive yesterday. I'm wondering if it is a comfort thing for Phoenix.

How is everyone? [Mostly good, tired.] Do you think she'll want to write today? [Not sure, maybe we should wait to see how the day goes. Raven is staying with her right now] kk. I'll check in later.
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby Ashe42 » Sat Apr 16, 2022 3:18 am

4/15/22 Reality

Ashe [Yuka]

Why is life so much harder for me?

What I learned today.

1. Frustration towards something means you are ungrateful.
2. I am manipulating the people around me, but I have no idea how and no way to know what I'm doing wrong.
3. I was told how I was feeling, and what I was feeling despite it not being what I was feeling at all.
4. I was yelled at for feeling a way I was perceived to be feeling and thinking, when it's not true.
5. I'm abusing my family by taking advantage of them and being ungrateful for it, despite being grateful but unknowingly not showing it by being frustrated at specific (I thought) unrelated things.
6. I don't do enough around the house.
7. I need to make money, but not leave the house.
8. Do everything the moment I'm asked regardless of what's going on.
9. Emotion any emotion is attitude.
10. I am a lazy burden.
11. My voice and emotions are wrong.
12. My perspective is off again.
13. I make people want to hit me.
14. I am not allowed to feel bad or be sick.
15. Masking is pointless because people believe and see what they want anyway.
16. I need to limit my bathroom time.
17. Leave my family alone, but be present if any chores or tasks are required.
18. I am the reason my family will never be financially stable. I cost to much.
19. I'm still the verbal and emotional punching bag for my family's stress and anger, and I probably deserve it because I'm clueless.
20. I will never be truly happy until I live alone.

I'm a joke, and a failure today. [no you aren't] The price of happiness is too steep. I don't want to feel anything anymore. No anger, no frustration, no sadness, no stress. I'll take the numb back please. At least it doesn't hurt when I fail.
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby YunaTheSummoner » Sat Apr 16, 2022 1:05 pm

I'm sorry to hear you have to go through all that. :(

Re fantasy authors...never heard of JK Rowling and Tolkien?? ...one great novel could be all you needed to give you the money to buy your own place and live on your own! :D Or write your own story...the famous author 'Donna Williams' had Autism and DID, (since passed away a while back now) wrote her autobiographies and books for carers/teachers of autistic children explaining autism.


How about writing a few short stories to start could put them on e-books and sell on amazon so everything could be done from home? you never know..a little series of short stories could make you enough for publishing a bigger novel in print or give you enough to pay rent on a place elsewhere?
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby Ashe42 » Sat Apr 16, 2022 2:59 pm

Ashe

We actually published one book already, but marketing is difficult >.<. I'm okay. I think my emotions just hit me hard when I feel them. Tolkien was my favorite growing up. Maybe one day it'll take off. I'm trying not to bother the other alters with my emotions but I imagine they feel it too.

Thank you Yuna :D
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby Ashe42 » Tue Apr 19, 2022 8:23 pm

4/19/2022 TW for stress, triggers, and gaslighting.

Rough patch.

Ashe [Reese]

It is ironic that a few days after writing about perspective, my perspective and reality takes a hit. I feel like I'm losing my mind. My reality, the conversations, everything. I'm questioning everything. For most of life, I warp my existence around my family. I get jobs to help my family. I change hours to help my family. I request days off to help my family. I've quit jobs because my mother needed help. Everything I do is for my family.

And yet I am repeatedly told otherwise. I am selfish. I am lazy. I'm too young to have health problems. Nothing I do is right. I feel trapped in a bubble of confusion and exhaustion. I'm waiting for the other foot to drop. I get a job I enjoy, but it doesn't work with my family's schedule.

I know I am not perfect. I struggle to take care of myself, and I feel like I shouldn't be. I bounce between extreme fatigue that is present for seemingly no reason, and wanting desperately to do things. I was just told today that I was a testament to how a person can be born one way and learn to get out of it. This stimming from the fact that I lied to my mother at around the age of two. I was apparently born a pathological liar. (all children learn to lie in the terrible twos and toddler years). The real irony is that I told the truth a lot as a child, but it wasn't in a way my parents understood or what they wanted to hear, thus I was lying. It wasn't until I just agreed with whatever they said that I was cleared of this pathological liar trait. Only in an argument (or more appropriatly when someone's yelling or lecturing me as I barely get a word in otherwise) is it brought back up. Things can be thrown in my face from the age I was two, but my parents don't remember the things they did wrong, and we should be over it by now. It can't give us lasting effects.

I know I'm not a perfect person. I'm lucky if I can consider myself good.
I need to work on myself, but not the way others want me to, but what's healthy.
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby Ashe42 » Wed Apr 20, 2022 2:26 am

Slowed down to breathe and had a moment to calm down.

I want to clarify, that for the most part my life now is okay. I have bad days of feeling sick, and good days where I get a lot done. This becoming self-aware stuff is hard. It's like I can suddenly look at myself and the things I've done in the past and go yah that "This symptom."

I love my family. I love my mom, and I love my dad, but I get so frustrated sometimes that I have to get it out. I have this mental meltdown and my fingers fly as I type or write all the thoughts screaming through my mind, and then I'm okay. I can breathe again. I don't feel like I'm about to collapse or scream anymore.

I need to remember during these times:

1. It's not my fault that I think different then other people.
2. It's not my parents fault that they cannot understand that I don't think like them.
3. It's not anyone's fault that I cannot articulate my needs when I can't explain it to myself half the time.

A diagnosis would help me work through things, but I cannot rely on that. Therapy is expensive. I feel hungover from the emotional few days I've had, but that is also mostly the autism. I really struggle with yelling or just confrontation in general.

Goal for the week: self care, make sure at all times I'm being grateful for the things I have. Try to avoid loud noises and yelling.
Ashe42
Consumer 4
Consumer 4
 
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