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Our Life Journal Thread. :D

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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby ArbreMonde » Sun Apr 24, 2022 11:06 am

It would be nice if you could have access to "autism therapy" (as in: psychoeducation about how an autistic brain works and how to manage the hypersensitivities & chronic fatigue, and get the best you can out of your quirky brain). And also have access to "cognitive and behavioral therapy" as in, learning how to manage stressfull situations, learning how to be more assertive, learning coping skills for the bad days, and so on.

Keep on holding on. It's worth it. The bad days stink, but they shall pass. They shall pass like a kidney stone, but they shall pass.
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby Ashe42 » Wed Apr 27, 2022 2:21 am

Ashe (host)

Thank you! Yah I wish I did. My next step is just looking at and understanding Autism symptoms and seeing what and how my brain works, and coping skills to help me without harming me in the long run because I'm pretty sure I've been struggling with autistic burnout. (from the descriptions I've had)
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby Ashe42 » Wed Apr 27, 2022 3:48 am

4/26/22

Ashe [Reese]

It's been a few days since we had an update. We have been trying to recoup. Social stress leaves us feeling drained for days. I, as the host, am trying to be more present and notice things about myself. One of the things I struggle with is simple day to day tasks.

I described it once to a friend that I felt like a battery and every task had a variable amount of percentage that it took to complete. Once that battery was depleted I had to recharge, but often when forced to continue working while exhausted, frustrated, or overwhelmed, it led to a complete crash, or even made me start at a lower energy the next day.

My energy level upon waking could be varied. During my really bad bouts of insomnia my percentage could start in the 40s. Now that I have a routine and a weighted blanket, I start usually start higher but rarely 100 percent.

It's like every time I stand up it's an automatic 5 percent just to get up.
If I need to refill my drink, I have to get up (5 percent), go to the kitchen (1-2 percent depending on distance), refill the drink (etc etc), put stuff up, go back to wear I'm going to sit, sit down, and drink.

This is worse if I just sat down, or I am incapable of finishing a task in between rest times it takes more energy in increasing. This is really an analogy because I don't keep track, but I can feel myself getting more and more tired. I have to have rest times between tasks to keep the depletion from having. Every task has multiple steps etc.

I'm having trouble concentrating so I'll try to explain more later.
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby ArbreMonde » Wed Apr 27, 2022 5:47 am

What you describe is often called "the spoon theory" and managing energy is called "managing spoons". People who struggle with this kind of energy issue are called "spoonies". Do not hesitate to google these key words to see if you can come up with ressources that can be helpful for you!
Autistic | ADHD | DID (host: Morwan) | transmasc (they/them & he/him)

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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby TheTriForce » Sat Apr 30, 2022 8:19 pm

Ashe42 wrote:4/26/22

Ashe [Reese]

It's been a few days since we had an update. We have been trying to recoup. Social stress leaves us feeling drained for days. I, as the host, am trying to be more present and notice things about myself. One of the things I struggle with is simple day to day tasks.

I described it once to a friend that I felt like a battery and every task had a variable amount of percentage that it took to complete. Once that battery was depleted I had to recharge, but often when forced to continue working while exhausted, frustrated, or overwhelmed, it led to a complete crash, or even made me start at a lower energy the next day.

My energy level upon waking could be varied. During my really bad bouts of insomnia my percentage could start in the 40s. Now that I have a routine and a weighted blanket, I start usually start higher but rarely 100 percent.

It's like every time I stand up it's an automatic 5 percent just to get up.
If I need to refill my drink, I have to get up (5 percent), go to the kitchen (1-2 percent depending on distance), refill the drink (etc etc), put stuff up, go back to wear I'm going to sit, sit down, and drink.

This is worse if I just sat down, or I am incapable of finishing a task in between rest times it takes more energy in increasing. This is really an analogy because I don't keep track, but I can feel myself getting more and more tired. I have to have rest times between tasks to keep the depletion from having. Every task has multiple steps etc.

I'm having trouble concentrating so I'll try to explain more later.


Hi

Yuna here. We also deal with chronic fatigue. Sometimes all I manage is to walk the dog (and I only manage that because we have a mobility scooter so don't actually have to 'walk'). Still on bad days it can take all my strength and energy just to manage to walk, feed and play with him with several rests inbetween and nothing else gets done for days sometimes! ..House is often a tip but the dogs happy and well looked after! :D
Body - F 50+ yrs disabled/autistic

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Secondary Host: Jay
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'Littles': Susie, Bobby & Phoenix (currently between 4-6 yrs old)
Caretakers (of littles): Jody, Sioux
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby Ashe42 » Sun May 01, 2022 2:03 am

Ashe [Someone else is floating around, not sure who]

Hey Abre and Yuna!

The spoon theory describes it personally. We have some kind of undiagnosed autoimmune issue. The body was blood tested by specialists for everything from lupis to rheumatoid arthritis as a kid and the doctors basically said they didn't see anything, but our hands will swell up for no reason. I would have pain. [I don't know about fatigue as much as we didn't have endurance. I was pretty fit as a teenager. I could do the most situps in my grade (even over the boys) in a minute, and I could run a mile but it hurt. A lot, but I'd push through it. I was fit, and even tried to do cross country, but I always felt like was going to throw up after the race, and I never did well in them. I was better at sprints.] -I think this is Phoenix talking not sure. She was the host before, but I have a hard time hearing her sometimes.

The fatigue (that we noticed) started more in adulthood. The body is not at all in shape, other than we have pretty good leg muscles. The crazy thing is we have a day where we wake up and feel like we can do a million things and still have energy. Our joints like our shoulders, elbows, knees, and ankles get tense and feel stiff even with stretching, and we twist our ankles easily.

I'll have to do some research on it. :D
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby Ashe42 » Sun May 01, 2022 3:35 am

4/30/22 Ashe (feeling like others are near but not sure who all is) TW for trauma talk.

Update:

We haven't been able to read anymore of the books we are trying to read. Had a lot of stressors in our life the last few days, but managing okay.

Biggest issues I as the host has had in the last few days has been self doubt. I know we've had trauma in the past, but it always feels lesser. I see the stories on tiktok and other people talking about the things that happened to them throughout their life and it's confusing. How did we end up this way? So many people out there (including my own mother) went through so much worse. I didn't go through any physical or SA as a child. My mother was an abuse survivor that did everything she could to protect me. I was extremely protected after the age of 5 years old. I know of things that happened and vague memories, but it just feels so disjointed. I'm doing my best to not diminish what the other alters feel, but it's so confusing.

A few years ago I remembered vivid memory of my biological father, who was emotionally and verbally abusive towards my mother, attempting to kidnap us. I don't dream often (or at least remember dreaming) which is why the dream caught me so off guard. The dream had felt weird, like a movie, but it was vivid. I remembered him bribing me with fun things, but saying we would never see mom again. I remembered being in the front seat without a child seat. I kicked the dashboard and screamed over and over again until he brought me back to my mother. He gave up and took me back home. He told her I had been bad and left and I never told her what he said. I had to have been between 2-4 years old. I woke with the thought (in a male tone I now know) 'She was scared, and NO. This memory came to me after I considered retrying contact with him as an adult, and my mom confirmed it being real by telling me things like he always hid putting me in the front seat without a carseat, and would even not seatbelt me in. This was something she had never told me.

I know now that this was Yuka laying down a rule. He gave me a snippet or a quick reel of the memory to keep me from reaching out. The rule was simple: No contact with our biological father. I honor this out of respect for the alters because I don't remember. I know from my mother that we didn't have a lot of contact with him at all other than court ordered visitation, and that was minimal and usually chaperoned. I actually saw his mother more. Someone who is my grandmother who I actually have no memory of but an overwhelming sense of dread when I think about her.

It's been hard because we did get in contact with our half-sister in high school and reconnected with her a few years back. She's over 10 years younger than me, but it's been fun talking to her and getting to know her, but it's dangerous. For the most part she respects my desire not to talk about him or his mother, but every now and then she mentions something about them. Usually it's not bad, but she sent me a voice recording of him saying something. I remember his words being nice, but hearing his voice triggered me so bad, I don't remember what it was and I wouldn't listen to it again. I think it triggered someone else out, but I can't be sure, because it was prior to me being aware of DID, and no one talks about it.

I know he wasn't physically abusive, but my mother did mention he was emotionally and psychologically abusive and neglectful towards her. The worst physical he did was throw things at her, but he was horrible to her in every other way manageable. There were a lot of abusive people in my life, but my mother was extremely protective of me. Having said this, she was actually diagnosed with PTSD among other things, and her memories of the past isn't always reliable. I know she loved me, and she said having me helped her escape the abuse because she didn't want me growing up the same way she had.

The frustrating thing (as the host with amnesia) is that right now I can remember little things here and there, but it's only because I have other alters flitting around nearby. Then it's gone and I'm questioning if I'm just crazy. What if I'm imagining all of this? What if my vivid imagination is just creating imaginary friends or book characters that I've personified? What if I'm just a mental hypochondriac that reads things and suddenly feels like this? What if I've gaslit myself into thinking these things because it justifies some of the symptoms I've felt my entire life? Then it will flip. What if it's real? Am I really even the host? Could I be an alter trapped in the innerworld completely unaware that I'm living a life separate to the body? What if I'm in a coma somewhere and none of this is real? What if? What if? The doubts and struggles hit me in a wave and I feel like I'm drowning in it.

Right now, everything feels like a dream and I'm trapped between irrational fear and wanting to cry.
The more I'm trying to stay in the present. Trying to keep from dissociating.

I took a few minutes to try to do one of the present exercise thingies, but I'm still struggling. I haven't practiced it enough.

I might have to call this update enough for the day. I think I just trauma dumped. >.< I now have a headache ick. Also just realized that this post took around 2 hours approx and I can usually write thousands of words in an hour, so definitly some dissociation going on. I know the time I started because the rest of the house goes to bed around 10 and they went a little early today. Gonna go look through other posts and try to calm because even though I've 'detached' from whatever was triggering me, my hearts still racing and my head hurts.


Major TRIGGER WARNING For possible traumas I suffered between 1-5 years old.
(No SA) I had typed this in the middle of this above post, but decided to cut it and put it down here in case it's triggering for other people.

Stories/Possible Traumas my mother has told or I vaguely remember: (NM=No memory)

1. NM- My mother's pregnancy with me was absolutely horrible. She lost weight, and had a long and painful labor which left physical scars.
2. NM- Sick a lot as an infant.
3. NM- while in crib, biological father would shout and yell and throw things at my mother.
4. NM- My mother's father slapped her while she was holding me as a baby.
5. NM- Throughout childhood- stomach and bathroom problems.
6. nM- Night terrors (approx 2-3) Went to therapy during this time
7. NM- divorce and custody battle.
8. NM- (1-3 I was still drinking bottles when medical emergency occurred. single incident.
9. Vague memories- (3-4 years old approx) Biological father frequently telling me my new dad would never love me. (confirmed by mother)
10. NM- At least 7-8 moves prior to 5 years of age.
11. Vague memories- feeling unloved or like a burden/ not wanted to tell my mother if something was wrong or I wasn't feeling good.
12. Vague memory- (approx 2) sat on a cactus but afraid to tell my parents because they would be mad. (unsure of when my fear of saying something but sure it comes from my biological father.)
13. Vague memorys- Biological father saying horrible things to other people while I was present about my mother. he was unaware I was listening/understanding.
14. NM- approx 3-4 years- kidnapping incident with biological father.
15. much more, and a lot I don't remember.
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby ArbreMonde » Sun May 01, 2022 5:25 pm

There is no "too little trauma". Any stressor is "enough trauma". Some people can develop DID from "very little trauma" simply because what they experienced reached the amount of stress necessary for their brain to develop dissociative disorders.

Not everybody has the same sensitivity to stress due to biological factors. Not everybody will react the same to a given traumatic event due to the complexity of human life and all that we experience before and after the traumatic event.

Moreover, amnesia and denial help us keeping on despite the trauma. They make us forget what events were so stressful we dissociated. They make us believe what we went through was "not that bad".

When I chat with other DID people about our trauma, each of us thinks the others "had it worse". Because we are desensitized to our own traumas and see others' traumas as "worse". But here is the truth: the only way to know if something was "bad enough" is to look at how your brain reacted to it. If your brain was wounded from the stress, it was "bad enough". It does not matter what it is. What matters is how wounded you are as a result.

Some people go through a car accident without a scratch. Others end up in the ER because they tried to open an oyster and slipped. It does not mean that opening an oyster is more dangerous than a car accident. It means that people get wounded in a very big variety of ways. You cannot judge the seriousness of a wound by what caused it.
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Journey thread | DID ressources thread

This too shall pass. It shall pass like a kidney stone, but it shall pass.
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby Ashe42 » Tue May 03, 2022 3:50 am

Thank you, Abremonde (is it better to call you Morwan?) I just noticed the tag under your posts. >.<

On one hand, I hate that people feel like I do, because that means someone else feels detached and loss, but it is nice to know I am not alone.

5/2/22 Update

Ashe[Chaos] Minor trigger warning

Had a high stress day today. I as the host had a lot to do, but I made sure to keep track of who all came out. I may have missed some.

I felt like a little came out at one point, but I can't be sure. The energy felt like a little. Chaos co-conned as we rode in a car. Chaos came out frequently today and is lingering more in the front because we have a higher level of pain today. Reese also came out briefly while we drove later. It was an exhausting day of running, but it went better than I expected to do.

I had a talk with my mother, and tried to be as subtle as I could about the reasoning. I asked her how many times we moved before I was 5. She counted 12 times. Added an additional possible kidnapping attempt from my biological father. She mentioned that my first 6-7 months of life were filled with daily screaming matches between her and my biological father. Among other things. A possible visit to her nightmare family, and a she confirmed she wasn't great to me around the age of four as far as verbally being angry. I also apparently developed anger issues at a young age.

It's been incredibly validating, but the last two days have left me drained and with a headache, but feeling better mentally.
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Re: Our Life Journal Thread. :D

Postby ArbreMonde » Tue May 03, 2022 5:34 am

Ashe42 wrote:Thank you, Abremonde (is it better to call you Morwan?)


Arbre-Monde is the system's name, Morwan is the curent host. Both are ok to be used. :)

___

I am happy for you that discovering how chaotic your childhood was, makes you feel validated in your pain. I hope it will help you on your path towards healing.
Autistic | ADHD | DID (host: Morwan) | transmasc (they/them & he/him)

Journey thread | DID ressources thread

This too shall pass. It shall pass like a kidney stone, but it shall pass.
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