A New Start (the way forwards)

I had one of those 'message from the inside' dreams that tend to be more intense and better remembered on waking up than the usual vague memory that I had a dream but can't remember most of it!

I suddenly find I understand why LS wishes to remain 6, why Aslan (the wise talking Lion from Narnia) was created on the inside for her, how Bobby creates new 'social masks' then seperates from them so they can continue to flit between inside with LS and outside (whilst the 'social mask' then a seperate alter carried on daily life demands..school/college/work etc) ...and Phoenix's role in that 'ability'.

That 'Spock' was the first human in the system besides Bobby and LS and all the other early ones were changelings in animal form...because Bobby once saw the episode where Spock explained his difficulties in understanding his human crew members social behaviours, jokes etc and and Bobby identified with that! (back in the 70's when it was still in black and white or maybe it was just our TV!)

Why Bobby has such an obsession with the 'Holodecks' that were explored more extensively in 'The Next Generation' series (of Star Trek) and how it helped them make sense of the world and communicate with other alters without them (the social mask alters) being aware thats what was happening. It seems passive influence and switching out with no memory (from the social mask alters perspective) that they 'switched out' was the only way our system used to know how to work. (it seems only Bobby LS and Phoenix knew of 'each other' in the early years..probably why they have such a strong bond between them).

Anyway it seems it has been decided....this is as far as integration goes for now! ...I will remain 'Levi' and cover daily living during 'office hours' and deal with stuff like external communication ...social and business (managing purchases/shopping when it is via email or other medical 'not-in-person' interactions).

Kate has been assigned to come out and blend with me to attend 'in-person official legal name business'. eg medical appointments, benefits, when need to go to bank in person etc and 'big social stuff'... having to attend a funeral, wedding/family party that kind of thing where more people than we are used to dealing with daily would be attending. She also really enjoys cooking for us and feeling she is looking after 'her family' so she will continue to come out to do a batch cooking session for us when the fresh ingredients arrives and the rest of the time looking after LS , Jody (who is currently LS's 6yr old best friend inside) and lil P (still currently 4yr old) inside. Sue looks after them when Kate is helping us 'outside'.

Kit will help with daily living, finances, does the 'late evening shift' (unless Bobby wants to) and researching and medical emergencies.

After a week of managing 24/7 we have decided it is too exhausting and we are not functioning at our best as the week goes on... (Tinnitus spikes and anxiety increases even about managing daily tasks well within our ability)....as far as this board goes 'I' am still the host, Kit may occasionally post and LS (only on the Little's board).

so state of the system to date:

Alters who work in/visit the outside world:

Levi (me)...daily living host (office hours)
Kit - mostly evenings or early mornings unless I need a 'day off'
Bobby - late evenings/weekends ..probably won't post though or will just help LS to post
LS - weekends and 'food shop day' (she gets a cream bun treat for helping to put the shopping away!)
Kate - may also cover me having a 'day off and/or supervise LS visits, official in-person appointments, helping me with cooking/cleaning days (probably won't post on here though unless it's to help LS write a post, as she's 'not really interested in the internet').


Remaining inside:

Inca - Spirit Guardian,
Sue - Internal Caretaker,
Kenny, Jody, lil P - family/companions to Little Susie when she's inside.
Thea/Maddie parts - have currently gone dormant
'Aslan' and 'Spock' are now only npc's within specific holodeck programs saved for LS and Bobby to visit for fun occasionally. (like a video game they now don't exist within the inner world unless you turn on the device containing 'that world/game/program)


Levi

This bit below had actually been typed as part of last post I answered but it was getting longer and longer and more and more irrelevant to the actually subject!!! ...so decided to cut and paste it into our journal page too as it is quite an important revelation I think.

__________ **TW. briefly mentions death, reincarnation** _________


I've been trying to find out from other teen alters how old LS had aged up to in the past and how long she stayed that old and interestingly although she only originally aged to 10, she stayed 10 with Bobby, until after our mum died in real life (body was 21 at the time) after going dormant for many years when she did re-emerge she was 6 and stayed that age mainly (briefly aged up for a short time occasionally) ever since.

TS also remained mainly at 15 since although that wasn't her actual age at the time either, but it was the last year before everything changed in our lives with the sudden hearing loss (due to medication/health issues) and with our mum getting cancer the first time. Both these two are the ones most intensely fixated on the idea that 'Kate' is the reincarnation of our mums spirit, with TS also now convinced we were also twins in a past life too. ..so pretty sure this must be connected to the reasons behind the ages too???

It seems the older 'Sue' emerged during the first time our mum was recovering from cancer when we had to take over many more household duties and then had to be responsible for our younger sibling too who was still at school at the time and then (Sue) took over fronting after her death, got us through the funeral and was the one who went to work.

TS disappeared inside and went dormant for years too...eventually 'Thea' took over who identified with the name Bobby had chosen to change our name to and moved away to university.

There seems to still be some resentment there too between the ones that identified with the birth name (and wanting to stay near sibling and father) to honour the promise made to our mum and 'Thea' for taking over and taking us away from them for years.

I think this is where we get our feeling of 'dissociative fugue' from because some 'woke up' to find we were at university living a totally different life as a deaf student who didn't speak, there was apparently a time they were going to leave and return and apologise to our father but then worried about 'getting locked up' for being schizophrenic if we were claiming we had been 'taken over' and we hadn't intended to leave them..... It was apparently Sue who convinced them we could complete the course and return home to take a local job and our father would still be proud of us for having completed a degree (after been told to put us in an institution at 2 as we were brain damaged!..this was 1972) ..thank god they insisted on a second opinion!!!

Although we're trying to make them understand it wasn't really anyone's fault cos we had no understanding that we even had autism or that we had dissociation to such a degree that alters would develop who had no knowledge of the inside world whatsoever !!! ...and who could take control of the body and make another life away from what most of the insiders actually wanted.

Some just refer to them as 'The Lost Years' and won't acknowledge that period, which maybe why they severed the connection with Thea/Maddie's past friend, so they didn't have to be reminded everytime she visited...this started happening at onset of peri-menopause when more alters were beginning to re-surface.

I think they have used the stroke as way to block memories they don't want, after all it is not uncommon to lose memories after a stroke event, but could that be the reason why Teen S was left 'up front' ..it guaranteed most of our memories were pre 15 and of 'a better time', it prioritized the relationship with our sibling and we were also still in pandemic and covid restrictions so we could only see him (as our carer) due to use being in extremely vulnerable group.

Kit got temporarily lost but Bobby who had spent lots of time with Kit knew how much the system 'owed her' for saving us from many situations and carrying many trauma memories for us and was determined to 'get Kit back'.

Anyway..there was unhappiness when it was relaised Thea and Maddie still existed recently (though only as fragments) but when TS managed to seperate from them so they couldn't influence her and they've gone dormant again...everyone is happy on the inside again.

Their memories/fragments have been locked in a capsule..no-one blended with them to find out what they were..though I suspect some know or have some idea it may give back memories of 'their friend' or their life/time out as they saw it at the time. It seems they have all decided together that a stroke is an acceptable reason for 'loss of life memories' to the outside world without having to reveal the possibility of DID too.

Anyway have to get off Mr Woof needs walking before food arrives today.

Levi

Yesterday was difficult and emotional ..we didnt get much done it seemed to be mainly processing old memories from other alters.

Firstly awoke with an absolutely splitting headache and detailed memories of my mums funeral which I had never remembered in detail before, we cried alot I don't know if they were all 'my' tears or from others too remembering the same thing.

Eventually Kit came forwards and gently reminded us Mr Woof still needed to go to out and have his breakfast. I felt unable to move past the re-experiencing so Kit took over and put his food down etc and got dressed.

I think we were mainly TS yesterday, we needed alot of hand-holding still (from Kate) when we did re-emerge to watch our daily quiz shows..we could still work half the body each and spent a little time playing on Roots of Pacha together and typing to a seller (for a present that still hasn't turned up) but unlike before - this time when Kate moved into the background I automatically regained full control of the body.

We were about to just go to bed for an early night, (nearly 8pm by this time) when there was suddenly really loud music and lights from outside, at first we thought a neighbour was having a party! ... then heard LS squeal in the background 'Santa's coming'!!, ...then remembered I'd seen a poster on a lamp post saying he was coming round tonight.

It's for a lcoal charity, a guy comes round dressed as Santa on a float to collect money for local children for presents and xmas dinner (who wouldnt get them otherwise) so we went and all sat at the top of the drive with a donation for LS to drop in the bucket as they passed so she could wave to Santa and the Snowmen (on the float). That seemed to cheer us all back up a bit!

We came back in, got a shower and washed our hair and put a movie on for us all to watch together snuggled up under the electric blanket with Mr Woof. (he actually lies on top he likes to lie on the warmed blanket..think its nice for his arthritic hips). ..so the day at least ended more positively than it started, the headache had gone too by the end of the day! ..despite the really loud music from the float!

This morning I feel stronger emotionally and feel I have the knowledge of some of the others experiences when they came out. I certainly remember little things I didn't before but they are memories of Sue's when we would come home in the holidays (from uni) and she'd offer to take the dog (at the time) out and would go over the fields watching to see if anyone was about and telling (a then 10yr old) Bobby the coast was clear so they could come out and run across the fields with the dog. I never knew before that that would happen or that Sue used to come out to take over the holidays back then!

I have access to some of Jay's memories with the friend Jodie, going to her house for the weekends and the holidays they went on together by the seaside and one to the capital..xmas shopping to see the lights etc....no 'specific Thea memories' though of class time or interactions with other deaf students etc.

I find I have memories of (from Kit's perpective) living at the flat with our old dog and time spent with family as if I was there, but again no specific 'Maddie' memories (from Maddie's perspective) from that era and none of Kit's trauma memories from earlier than then (in the unit).

I feel Kit asking me if I have enough life memories now to feel (as a host) I remember 'my life' and move forwards now.

Levi

This morning was almost magical!.. we awoke early to get Mr Woof out as yesterday was impossible due to gale force winds and heavy rain all day.. There was a small window of 'good weather' before 10am so we got up early and decided to get to our favourite spot for the sun coming up...it was well worth it!!

Absolutely stunning sunrise this morning...and 'front row seats' (for us on our favoruite bench) deep red's and oranges and the grey clouds looked to have purple backlighting with the sun coming up behind

Got some fantastic photo's of dog running towards us with sun behind him and just as we were getting to the lake entrance a family of swans were coming across with that beautiful sunrise behind them! Wish we could share them on here but we're not sure whether Google could identify the location from the photo's...especially the lake, with it being taken at the main entrance of the nature reserve.

For a few brief minutes we felt as one as Kit had agreed to blend with us so we could share how grounded in nature it made her feel. If Kit & Bobby blend with a changeling first before coming out and blending with us we can share some feelings/memories whilst the changeling being blended too blocks access to us to their trauma memories... It is exhausting for them though so they can't do it for long periods...and tend to only do it to share positive memories with us so we can understand how things like the sunrise experience and other favourite experiences makes them feel.

Bobby is spending more time out in 'the real world' as an adult but is anxious that that inside world is not just discarded just because most other people don't have one as vibrant and real to them. And our outside daily life is still quite restricted due to location, having no transport and multiple health and 'access' issues.

They used to enjoy sketching wildlife but our fine motor ability to draw straight from memory was affected in the last stroke episode which seems to have even impacted Bobby's abilities with memory (though not to the same degree as most of us).

**TW mentions Xmas**

We're trying to encourage them to use art more and share those skills with us so decided to buy us all some art stuff for xmas to encourage everyone.

LS enjoys simple tracing and colouring in, so we got her a little tracing projector gadget so she can do her own art at her own level and got a new tablet with larger screen and pen in the Black Friday Sales for older ones to learn 'Digital Art' to see if we can come up with a way of showing/recording what our inner world looks like. Also learning something completely new from scratch (none of us have done Digital Art before) is supposed to be good for the brain also and creating new pathways.

**TW over**

We'll still be using video games for the weekly physio (30 mins wii fit etc) but hope to reduce time spent on other types of games and increase time spent doing more creative stuff. They can still have the occasional rainy/snow day to play stuff like Zelda/skyrim for a couple of hours but at the minute its several hours EVERY day and nothing else gets done other than Mr Woof's care and managing to cook a meal in the middle of the day.

I mean video games have been great for us, finding others inside and using them to create a version of themselves..show us how they see themself (roughly) and what kind of things they like (by the type of games they like) as well as using them for physical recovery but it's starting to feel like we've reached our limit with them to how they can help further progress.

Of course someone else's video game is not going to exactly match our inner world... though Bobby creates 'Holodeck programs' on the inside of places like Hyrule and Skyrim (which is kinda like playing a VR version without needing the goggles!), so it be nice if we could find a way for Bobby to draw parts of the inner world that no-one else has seen (they've lived in it longer than anyone!) maybe we can combine their illustrations with poems or written descriptions like a writer describing a fantasy world like Narnia and making it into a story...it could be a great team project if we could get everyone onboard and working together on it!


Levi

Answering >> this post you << you made somewhere else.

TheTriForce wrote:we saw something on a YT video about a woman with DID who was an artist and her alters all did their own works of art and she sold them

Kim Noble. She uses art to cope and express herself and her traumas. "Always being multiple" is tied to the (wrong) belief that DID people cannot heal.

The brain connexions can be made later on in life thanks to brain plasticity. This allows to heal from dissociation. But you need to find the proper therapy tools for that.

TheTriForce wrote:the MRI mades so much noise something must have registered in the brain that the sounds had been heard/recognised ????

Depends what type of scan. It takes a functional scan to see what parts of the brain are used at what time. I have had a brain scan to check some of the structures but it was not a functional brain scan and the doctors only checked the structures they were supposed to check. The size of the other structures was not checked so the dissociation was not seen. If the doctor is not asked to check this or that they won't have time, like you said. Or maybe they don't know because it takes another specialist of another area of the brain to see it. A bit like, when I had the coccyx and sacrum MRI scan, the person was able to tell me that there was nothing broken and no nerve damage but she was unable to tell me that the misplacement of the spine bones was pulling on the dura mater in the spine causing all sorts of neurological issues. Because she did not know. Or because the prescription was just a generic "check if there is anything cut or damaged" and not "give a detailed account of how the present situation can have all sorts of consequences on the whole nervous system".

Also, there are some ways for your brain to be deaf or blind that can show the signal arrives in the brain but is not understood later on. Some blind people can have reflexes caused by visual stimuli but they do not see anything because the visual signal cannot be read. It's just enough so that the pupils react or they dodge something thrown at them, but they are still legally blind.

I guess the same can happen for other senses. After all, my sense of touch and pain are working, the "escape the pain" reflexes are here and work properly but I still cannot feel specific intensities or types of pain due to autism and dissociation!

Yesterday was another rough emotional day..for some reason the system felt we should also re-live our dad's funeral! ..and that revealed some new stuff...some painful, some not so bad and with new context...(now also suspecting our dad was on the Aspie spectrum and never getting diagnosed , he didn't understand us anymore than we understood ourselves at the time)

This time it felt 'forgiveness' could be applied from some of us who he possibly witnessed as a more moody or more autistic 'me' at the time. Their relationship with our dad wasn't good at the time of his passing and Maddie was the external social host at the time (we don't have access to all her past memories)


Anyway, ......this morning I feel like the 'integration of Levi' is complete! ..... I feel like a new seperate self who can look back on 'my life' ...I can still see and communicate with the others inside but I feel like I'm communicating with 'a past me' ....seeing LS inside is like looking at a photo of this body at 6 ...and knowing 'that was me at 6'...the only difference being that 6yr old is still very much alive inside and SHE STILL SEE"S HERSELF AS SEPERATE!! .... so am not sure we're technically really 'integrated' as such!

However the one's who were not 'versions of me' are still not seen as 'versions of me' ie Kate ..technically (to my brain at least) she is a 'version of mum' rather than 'version of me'. Kenny, lil P, Inca & Jody ..are still inside.

Kate split....the part of her that saw us as 'her daughter' went inside wanting opportunity to be 'Little Susie's mummy' again. Another part of her wanted to be able to co-front with me at the front to live our life out as adult twins...claiming we never got an whole life together! (& she feels cheated out of the experience)...

In past lives we apparently (according to her) either both died young or one died many years before the other ...which she claims explains why I was born 24yrs after her as her daughter in this lifetime! This version of herself ...has gone back to the name (she believes) we had as identical twins ...which I won't say on here as 'the twins names' are public record....(I may add we have no actual physical proof that what we see as 'our spirits' came from these twins! ...but she strongly believes it and they are directly related though several generations back)....which could I guess lead someone to our current day identity if someone were determined enough!

Inca tends to only come forwards now when Bobby does and it seems to give them comfort and confidence as an adult to have Inca blended within them before they come to the front.

Anyway have to go its 'tree day' here got loads to get through!! .... exhausted.. just thinking about it!!

Levi

ArbreMonde wrote:Answering >> this post you << you made somewhere else.

TheTriForce wrote:we saw something on a YT video about a woman with DID who was an artist and her alters all did their own works of art and she sold them

Kim Noble. She uses art to cope and express herself and her traumas. "Always being multiple" is tied to the (wrong) belief that DID people cannot heal.

The brain connexions can be made later on in life thanks to brain plasticity. This allows to heal from dissociation. But you need to find the proper therapy tools for that.

TheTriForce wrote:the MRI mades so much noise something must have registered in the brain that the sounds had been heard/recognised ????

Depends what type of scan. It takes a functional scan to see what parts of the brain are used at what time. I have had a brain scan to check some of the structures but it was not a functional brain scan and the doctors only checked the structures they were supposed to check. The size of the other structures was not checked so the dissociation was not seen. If the doctor is not asked to check this or that they won't have time, like you said. Or maybe they don't know because it takes another specialist of another area of the brain to see it. A bit like, when I had the coccyx and sacrum MRI scan, the person was able to tell me that there was nothing broken and no nerve damage but she was unable to tell me that the misplacement of the spine bones was pulling on the dura mater in the spine causing all sorts of neurological issues. Because she did not know. Or because the prescription was just a generic "check if there is anything cut or damaged" and not "give a detailed account of how the present situation can have all sorts of consequences on the whole nervous system".

Also, there are some ways for your brain to be deaf or blind that can show the signal arrives in the brain but is not understood later on. Some blind people can have reflexes caused by visual stimuli but they do not see anything because the visual signal cannot be read. It's just enough so that the pupils react or they dodge something thrown at them, but they are still legally blind.

I guess the same can happen for other senses. After all, my sense of touch and pain are working, the "escape the pain" reflexes are here and work properly but I still cannot feel specific intensities or types of pain due to autism and dissociation!

ah Thanks ...just seen this as it took me so long to type the other.!!..had scrolled back a bit and seen mention of MRI and thought for a split second I'd posted my journal entry on the wrong post!!!


yes Kim Noble was the name I remembered as soon as I saw the name again! ...I think there's so much about the brain doctors don't understand after all they claim most of us don't use anywhere near most of it...how do they know what the result be in a person that did! And as the creation of alters happens in the early years when the brain is its most flexible ...maybe that somehow increases capacity or activates areas that would maybe never get used in the average NT person???

Something has happened here!..I feel different today more like 'a new version of me'. Not sure if integration is the right word for it ??...(the others are still seperate inside) but I suddenly have quite a lot more different memories from different perspectives!

Levi

TheTriForce wrote:I think there's so much about the brain doctors don't understand after all they claim most of us don't use anywhere near most of it...

Contemporary brain scientists know that we use all of our brain, just not at the same time (because when everything is activated at the same time it's called convulsive epilepsy). But pop culture loves the "only 10%" trope because it allows for sci-fi scenarios.

TheTriForce wrote:And as the creation of alters happens in the early years when the brain is its most flexible ...maybe that somehow increases capacity or activates areas that would maybe never get used in the average NT person???

It's more the structure and how the areas are connected, that is different. The alters as identities appear with the same phenomenons that causes a singlet to have one single identity - except that instead of the process encompassing the whole brain, there are different, separate areas blossoming into different identities.

What is a research in progress, to my knowledge, is "what area does what" because you can make averages over the whole population but it's an average on the whole population; individuals can happen to use another area for a specific thing, because their brain needed to get organized that way. So we have a general idea of what part does what, but the detail of how the neurones do the things and how the plasticity can enable a different part to do the job if needed, that's a bit of a "in progress research" because it seems to depend a lot on the individual.

(Note that I'm not a brain specialist and that I might have misunderstood the stuff I read about it, and that I might not be up-to-date on the subject)

TheTriForce wrote:Something has happened here!..I feel different today more like 'a new version of me'. Not sure if integration is the right word for it ??...(the others are still seperate inside) but I suddenly have quite a lot more different memories from different perspectives!

Integration is the mecanism that helps doing this, to my knowledge. It helps becoming connected to everyone inside, getting a lot of different perspectives, and understanding the system as "a huge whole ME" instead of "many separate little me's". But the ability to see the parts remain. Just like you can feel your body as a whole and still be able to talk about your foot or your hand and see them separately when needed.

This feeling comes-and-goes at first because it's exhausting for the brain to keep the connexions active at all time, they need to be trained, like muscles need to be trained in order to do something huge. Little by little things get better.

Today I'm being told we have 17 days to decide who we want to be for the next part of our life!! ...I assume they are meaning 'a social mask' as far as the outside world is concerned ..(like when we meet people face-to-face...who they 'see' as 'me').

why 17 days???..because by then it will be the very last day of this year...and we have to have decided how we are going to be so we can celebrate that on New Years Eve, ..whoever wakes up in the body on the 1st January 2024 ..is how we 'intend to go on'.... for the 'foreseeable future'.

Given the speed and frequency with which decisions can change in our system I'm not too worried just yet! ...though if this decision does not shift at all in the next 2 weeks I may be!

Levi

Well it's nice to have deadlines and take "new year new me" decisions but our identity is never set in stone. Even for integrated (non dissociated) people!

Who we are changes and evolves with each passing day, each new experience. The change is slow and subtle most of the time, but it's still here.

So I guess that what you were told was some sort of "new year new me" plan and not something that will be set in stone forever and ever.