A New Start (the way forwards)

So the full blending of parts, SG and Juno with me (Yuna) has happened. We are one, there is no longer the option that they can go visit the 'secret garden' on our side without me. When I am doing something ie cooking or typing..they are seeing what I am seeing and feeling what I am doing (the sensation of typing or peeling veg etc) simultaneously. Previously it was more like they were in the background watching and advising like a separate carer watching, but not feeling the bodies motions as I was doing things - unless they choose to for example work one Joycon while I did the other so we could control 2 players within AC).

SG is no longer a seperate 'fragment/part' and her (inner changeling) 'body' became the vessel for Juno's spirit (on the inside), once they were fully blended they blended again with me (as the current only human host of the body) overnight again so as to minimise memory loss or any perceived stress by the body that may potentially trigger another stroke.Its just easier when the body is totally relaxed and asleep I wake up remembering it as a dream.

So now it is decided it will not be healthy for our mental health to feel we are spending our life simply waiting for others to appear (in case it is just not possible after the stroke damage) so we must make a plan as lockdown's are ending and we are vaccinated (soon to get a 4th jab) and by summer at the latest we should be able to meet up with more people and visit more places safely.

Also after spending so long isolated (due to pandemic) whilst going through the menopause and a stroke we have a 'valid reason' (from the rest of the worlds perspective) for coming out of it 'like a different person'. So our plan is to

* decide on our 'social mask' as we age - what we want real world others to see us as when they meet us. (appearance - what do we want to do with our hair as it changes colour, what style/colours do we want to dress in when we have to go out for public appointments, how we will 'sound' when we speak).

* physio/ physical exercise - we need to do more to preserve the bodies functions through ageing (ie to assist balance,co-ordination, independence etc) but within the limits of our physical ability.

* mental stimulation - as I cannot 'see' the inner world to get immersed in fantasy so much, we need to find a way to maintain mental stimulation and still experience 'having fun' and keeping the mind active.

* trying to focus more on living in the real world, our new mantra is 'Be here now' for our dogs sake too too.

Anyway on that note....the RL dog needs attention, we have not been able to get out yet (heavy rain/sleet/winds again) so need to find him some mental stimulation! ....roll on the good weather...we're fed up of all these storms and waterlogged fields/flooded garden!!!

Yuna

ArbreMonde wrote:It sounds like a lot of progress and a good life plan! I'm rooting for you all!
__
Morwan.

Thank you, we appreciate your support especially as no-one in our real life has any awareness of many of these issues.


I guess the fact we've managed to keep it hidden despite everything is something of an achievement in itself! Mainly I think its because people are just too busy worrying about their own lives and pass anything they may consider as 'a bit odd' as being 'due to the autism' (or the stroke)!


Juno

We have also decided we will continue with the plan to communicate with the others via the Animal Crossing game as the game has a messaging system within it that also works even when not online (other second or guest players can leave a message for main account and vice versa).

Also Juno believes that as Phoenix was out front and knows we were setting this up for communication with the others she will hopefully tell them about it once she can find them and because we already had communication with her she will be able to get a message out to us about how things are 'inside'.

Also once its setup and I can visualise the island without needing it on-screen in front of me we can 'send' a map of it as communication in the hope that others inside can send us a 'map' back of the inside. I hoping we could have some level of co-consciousness then.


But just In case there's some kind of barrier and/or memory loss when they try to come out maybe they could try things like if one visited the island they can make the players look like them, take some snapshots and leave a message including their name? It could potentially become a communication portal to 'meet in the middle' kind of thing?? ..and work round any damage left.

So we've been trying to build up the island, the clothes shop will be there by tomorrow and mirrors available (for them to change hairstyles and colours etc).

We may have to look into the Happy Holiday Homes DLC thing too as I believe you can stay in same house as someone as room-mates opening up further opportunities to be present at the same time and see who was out (after they left and the game was turned off). I'm really unsure about giving account details on the e-shop though (as it's one you have to pay for) and we don't have a 'Nintendo Online' subscription either.

Yuna

A bit more progress to report...our first 4 way blend has been achieved!

The extra part of depth I could feel is the part previously known on here as 'Bobby' but grown up.

I wasn't sure until after I had read some of the Poetry on the previous blog. I had an experience when visiting family, i felt an intense obsession with one song that was playing I only knew it was ABBA and from the new album but I couldn't make out the words because of other environmental sounds, but the tune of the chorus kept replaying in my head the next day, eventually it was driving me so mad I had to look up the words online!

I felt intensely strong emotion once it it got to one particular part and found myself copying and pasting the words into a pages document and then bolding some parts of it. It's a message from 'Bobby'.


"And now you see another me, I've been reloaded, yeah
I'm fired up, don't shut me down
I'm like a dream within a dream that's been decoded
I'm fired up, I'm hot, don't shut me down
I'm not the one you knew, I'm now, and then combined
And I'm asking you to have an open mind (and I won't be the same)
I'm not the same this time around (ooh)
I'm fired up, don't shut me down"

I feel they have blended with us and I see 'Bobby' as the child part of me that loved the sensory stuff..music, lights, rainbows,colour changing lights etc...which is often not appropriate to pursue in public. (especially at my age!)

I found myself gazing a lot at the light up record player in the corner that hasn't been played for months and bought the new ABBA album on vinyl. We feel we would like more music and art in our lives when there is energy to spare to do such things.

So we now have the parts ...S, Bobby, Juno and SG blended together as 'Yuna' (me). Going on past reports this 4 way blend is further than was previously achieved in re-blending (is that the term?...I forget what the word was for the goal of all a persons alters coming together?) I now believe we operated this way in the past and the breakdown that occurred in the thirties caused us all to split off.

The stroke doe seem to have calmed the brain but I also believe the menopause and changing of emotions and hormones in the body has also played a part in how things have played out. I believe the end of menopause is going to mark when everyone will have re-blended, as the beginning of puberty was the beginning of 'imaginary friends' becoming different identities.

We have not heard back from Phoenix or received any dreams or messages in the AC game, although we have been going on daily for a couple of hours to give them plenty of opportunity to leave a message. Juno and SG would definitely be able to 'receive' a message as they are spirit/changeling beings if one was being sent by another changeling from the inside, so I'm still unsure whether that's because the connection is still damaged or ones inside have been...or maybe they are also trying to re-blend on the inside so when the pathway is repaired they can come out as one and re-blend with us at the front???


Yuna

Had one of those weird dreams the other night couldn't remember it all but Juno tells me it was from Phoenix to show 'little Susie' and 'Kit' had been found.

Little Susie is still 6 it seems despite the fact 'Bobby' is now presenting as an older version within us at the front. Phoenix wanted to stay on the inside so has been assigned the task of finding everyone and helping them with recovery.

Bobby has been able show us (through the Minecraft game that we bought them) that Kit has chosen to live someone remote and is anxious about been up front in the body again incase another medical emergency should ever occur while they were fronting.

So for now at least it seems there is no immediate goal of blending everyone up front as some do not wish to return to having to deal with reality right now.

Our current combination seems to be a good one. Bobby separated from Kit and being linked with a calmer part of the brain seems to mean overall we feel much calmer and there's no severe mood swings from chilled to blind panic within seconds like we used to get!

We seem to have some of 'Maddies' experience of dealing with mobility issues which has given us more confidence but there's no feeling that there's an 'extra person' up front with us.

We seem to have some memories from that period of life too as if 'I' was out then, although we (S & M) still lived on the inside then and had no knowledge that we could possibly have DID (or even that it existed!) or were part of a system. so I'm not sure whether the Maddie persona (and she was more of just a social media persona) has kind of been completely absorbed into our 'blend' or their memories and experience have just been passed onto us to help us move forwards?


I don't think the ones previously called Thea and Jody have been found yet, though in my mind/memories now I know I had a friend called Jody in the past who has since died (in real life) I have a photo of us. She is remembered with much affection as someone I was really fond of.

Thea I remember only as a past 'social mask' I put on when I lived within the deaf community in my younger years and feel no links to her.

I feel our current blend represents the real legal name well so for example if the names were
x-y z (surname) then parts bobby and I individually represent 'x', (as 'bobby' is essentially the 'inner child' version of 'me') all blended together we are 'y' (the 'host persona' & RL name family uses for us) and Juno and SG separately represent 'z' (the middle name).

Though we also like to see 'x' as the shortened name in print, sometimes when corresponding with official sources such as housing,workmen in email we will shorten the name and use the X name to see 'our name' and be addressed by it rather than the 'Y' nickname family/neighbours etc have called us by for years! Also in games where you can customise and name your character we use x (and sometimes z for more than one character within the same game-such as AC , villagers named after myself and Juno) rather than y (the 'host' RL others see).

Hope that made sense!!

Yuna

p.s the name 'Yuna' now represents all 4 of us fully blended functioning as one.

The ability to multi-task is improving slowly and I believe this is important to more 'others' being able to come out to visit and/or just communicate with us in the future.


Starting with just simple things the rehab team recommended like using the electric pedals more when just watching TV and watching quiz shows and things that may trigger memory of what we knew. we started with picking a quiz show...pedalling in the ads then stopping to answer questions...the moved on to being able to pedal and try and speak out the answers taking a break to stop pedalling when the ads came on.

Now also we can watch TV and colour as we do that or do some games on the iPad eg Juno may want to watch a cooking program and I maybe playing solitaire card game or doing a word or spatial puzzle on the iPad, or she may want to colour while I'm watching something. Other times we may focus more fully on something like if we wanted to draw or do a water colour or have music on in the background. We were unable to do this before, we both/all had to focus on the one thing to co-ordinate the body to be able to do it.

Same with the switch, we had to go back to controlling one character at once initially and taking turns for our player to be out on the island (ACNH). Recently we have managed to get them both running and swimming alongside each other controlling two joycons at once! ..somethings we need to put one down to use only one pair of joycons for one character (changing clothes, selecting tools or digging etc) as you need buttons on both sides of the joycons for certain tasks, but we're thrilled to be able to play it simultaneously again!

There aren't many games where you can do this, though we were excited to discover there is a new game coming out this year where you can play as twins either single player or co-op, so saving up for that one!

Fun times aside! ...we do believe though the more efficiently we can multi-task without it taking so much energy to do, the more likely the body/brain will develop the ability to cope with 'others' coming out again once that damaged pathway is repaired or re-routed!

Yuna

I had one of those weird dreams again last night that I believe is some form of communication from 'the inside'!

Myself, Bobby and Juno are sat round a campfire at night on the Animal Crossing Island and SG is there in her native form (she's a descendant of the Inca Tribe of Machu Pichu) reading us a letter!

It is apparently from (who you know on here as) 'Thea & Maddie'. Basically telling us they have decided to 'settle' on a different Island and won't be 'joining us' on our island!

We know they are ok but that neither Jody', 'Phoenix' or 'little Susie' are with them, neither is 'Kit'. Then I woke up ...so we don't know where the others are...just that Bobby knows (or can sense) that Kit is alone where ever she is and SG has told Juno she knows Phoenix and little Susie are definitely together wherever they are...No-one seems to know where 'Jody' is?


So they seem to have been left separated (or stranded) in different areas of the brain/inner world?..I just assumed they were altogether in there somewhere! No word of where the (male) 'protector' is or went to either who was out here in the very beginning but went back in.

So from the ones I knew about ..2 are still missing. Juno is suggesting it could be that the protector is still looking for Jody, but also ...she was a changeling so she could have changed form if her previous form had been left damaged by the stroke event or chosen to blend within someone else to 'repair' them.


We know she was definitely 'on the other side' when the damage occurred and is not blended with any of us that are 'out front'.

In the meantime we will focus on continuing to build physical strength and multi-tasking ability so if there is ever a time the brain repairs itself and they can get to the front the physical body will be strong enough to cope with more being 'up front' at once again.

I did see a program on TV last night about a man who had a stroke and it was mentioned that the brain can continue to repair itself for several years after a stroke so there's still hope (in theory at least) we could ALL be reunited again at some point in the future!

Yuna

We have also taken the decision to swap over who is 'hosting' who as Bobby is starting to feel trapped because I am always out front and their fears are starting to influence me eg its now the second day we haven't managed to get the dog out because Bobby doesn't like going out in the rain or they'll be too many people about at this time etc...it isn't fair to the dog and I can't function as 'host' properly if I'm being too heavily influenced by others negative thoughts or fears.

SG can't take a break either as Juno and I want and need to be together in our desire to function exclusively 'like conjoined twins'.

So I'm off a for short nap while its still raining anyway so SG and Juno can work their magic and hopefully when I wake up I will be hosting 'Juno' and Bobby will be hosting SG and be able to go take a break in 'our secret garden' and I can manage to get the dog out before the end of today!

Yuna