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A New Start (the way forwards)

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Re: A New Start (the way forwards)

Postby TheTriForce » Mon Jun 27, 2022 10:45 am

It's been a nice relaxing weekend..Little Susie has been out alot playing with Juno on Animal Crossing. I notice they have added another 'guest account' because LS wanted to be able to 'visit daddy sometimes too' and play as 'mummy and daddy having a date or sleepover together'.

This game seems to have played a big role in a therapeutic sense though. eg the first island on the older switch (that we'd lost) ..the characters were always child and mother. It was the one where our child self first called the character by our original name and was upset because Kit had named her 'Daisy' and she didn't want that name.

When we made the second island on the switch OLED (received as gift from family after the stroke) my first instinct was to create Juno and I as teen/adult twins, (we age-slide) we see it as our 'retirement island life as adult twins' rather than mother and child.


And we mainly stay in that form except for when LS comes out to visit - she changes my character to child form and if playing with someone in co-op then wants to change Juno's character back to 'mummy' for that play session.

I'm not sure if what I'm saying here is clear (well done if you're still reading!! :D ) but I feel it represents a 'shift' in 'sense of self' and how I see myself.

I also feel 'adding daddy' was a big step, (LS wanted to be able to 'visit daddy too' so we set up another guest account on the switch) although I (as yuna) probably won't visit his tent or progress his story in the game (additional accounts characters are not in their houses/tents unless you are logged in as them or invite them to play co-op mode), it feels like a 'big step' that he is represented on the island at all.


Back to my 'sense of self'.... I can now see ....(gonna use names from past account that you already know, though that's not how I see 'them')


Bobby, Little Susie, Kit as 'past versions of the 'true me' - present when no-one else is around or with close family members.

Sioux, Jody, Thea, Maddie - were all 'social mask personas' only came out to perform in social situations/college/work etc, as soon as we were alone we'd automatically switch to one of the 'true selves' I originally as 'Teen S' lived outside during home/holiday time..(Sioux covered school hours) originally before Thea took over full time (after the death of my mum in real life).

The changelings... I am still not sure whether they are alters or a product of past me's imagination? such as 'Spock' from Star Trek ..Bobby and Kit believed they're are many vulcans 'inside'.. or that the changelings could become their favourite vulcans when requested. I didn't meet one when I visited the inside!

But yet I believe in 'Juno' absolutely and she believes she is a 'walk-in spirit' who made a Tulpa I created (based on my mum) come alive so therefore I accept that's who she is. (ie..she is NOT a 'past version of me' but a completely separate identity)

***POSSIBLE TRIGGER **** ..mentions moment of stroke and 'out of body' experience


She tells me 'The Guardian' and 'SG' are also Tulpa/walk-ins and are just here to help me recover after the stroke as it 'was not my time yet' - so to prevent me wanting to join them (on the other side) they joined my team as Tulpa's! -

I believe I possibly had one of those 'near death experiences' people have when they see their body from above, though I initially remembered only part of this as just a weird dream which I was told was because of the blood clot temporarily cutting off blood supply to the brain. Whether I actually talked to my parents and dogs spirits in that moment before being 'sent back' to the body or just dreamt I did I guess I'll never know for sure!

**TW OVER**

but this memory of 'seeing my body from above' maybe why I felt my first memory was of being 'sent to the front because the Kit had shut down' and I had to 'take over' - would a disruption of blood flow to the brain produce that feeling/experience?? (depersonalisation???...what's wrong with 'Kit' ..why isn't she moving? etc..)
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Re: A New Start (the way forwards)

Postby ArbreMonde » Tue Jun 28, 2022 5:16 am

There are a LOT of things that happen in the brain when the blood flow starts to be interrupted and everything starts to shut down, even temporarily. Which causes a lot of funky things to be experienced by the person. (Granted, you do not need to have any big issue for the brain to do funky things. Humans see the color magenta. This color does not exist outside of the human brain, other species may percieve this color differently.)

Some of these funky things help the person hang on and survive the issue. Believing we met helpful spirits is one of the things that help survive and hang on. It does not matter if it is "real" or "imagination", it helps either way.

If it helps, it is real, IMO. But that's just me. I have a very practical point of view on beliefs. (Keep the helpful one, discard the unhelpful one.)

Anyway, It's always nice to see how your system progresses and evolves! Keep up the good work everybody! I mean, everyone. :mrgreen: One body, many people who are all awesome and doing a great job.
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Re: A New Start (the way forwards)

Postby TheTriForce » Tue Jun 28, 2022 8:26 am

ArbreMonde wrote:There are a LOT of things that happen in the brain when the blood flow starts to be interrupted and everything starts to shut down, even temporarily. Which causes a lot of funky things to be experienced by the person. (Granted, you do not need to have any big issue for the brain to do funky things. Humans see the color magenta. This color does not exist outside of the human brain, other species may percieve this color differently.)

Some of these funky things help the person hang on and survive the issue. Believing we met helpful spirits is one of the things that help survive and hang on. It does not matter if it is "real" or "imagination", it helps either way.

If it helps, it is real, IMO. But that's just me. I have a very practical point of view on beliefs. (Keep the helpful one, discard the unhelpful one.)

Anyway, It's always nice to see how your system progresses and evolves! Keep up the good work everybody! I mean, everyone. :mrgreen: One body, many people who are all awesome and doing a great job.



Thanks..we appreciate your support. I have heard stories before about vivid hallucinations during medical episodes, (seizures, strokes) during operations and also people who have been in coma's have reported them if they woke up and recovered enough to be able to explain their experience.

Interesting about the colour magenta ..we call it Fuchsia/Cerise or 'Deep Pink' - actually we just realised everyone (in our system) has a favourite colour that is somewhere along the red/blue spectrum (including pinks/purples). some like absolute bright primary colours, (like letterbox red!) some like the shades that are hard to distinguish like ..is it a 'midnight blue' or a shade of purple.


I've been reading about Spirituality alot recently and there's several sentences that seem to almost describe a dissociated personality.

These are from an article that was in the Guardian newspaper once about spirituality.

"Sometimes, the walk-in soul enters into an agreement with the walk-out soul. “Rather than having a body die in order to release the soul from its incarnation, another soul steps in and picks up where the previous soul left off.

(This feels like when I originally 'left' as a teenager after my mums death and Thea took over fully and changed the bodies legal name, went off to university)




A walk-in can also be a companion soul in spirit form walking along with an embodied soul.


(This we feel is me and Juno)


A walk-in can be a fragmented aspect of a soul coming home and reuniting with the soul essence in a body…

(My return to the front as host after years of 'stand-ins'?)

Some walk-ins are a blend of soul essences or consciousnesses inhabiting one body simultaneously. These may rotate in and out of the ‘driver’s seat’ as needed to accomplish a task.”

(Again they're practically describing how a multiple system works with different 'alters' coming to the front to do a specific thing, they've simply replaced the word 'alters' with 'souls' but is an alter not a different consciousness within the same body? ..and if they're recognised as a separate individual with their own likes/dislikes/beiefs do they not then have 'their own soul'? )


At this point i can hear LS asking me in the background 'Am I really real?..like with my own soul?' (she's aware she can only have her child body 'on the inside' or as an avatar in a video game in the outside world). ..I think this is why many of us love video games particuarly the ones where you can create your own character to look like 'you', as they always make them to look how they believe their 'inside bodies' look! (with the exception of the exercise based games where you get a 'fixed trainer avatar' and we're only doing it for physio purposes).
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Re: A New Start (the way forwards)

Postby ArbreMonde » Tue Jun 28, 2022 10:37 am

YunaTheSummoner wrote:At this point i can hear LS asking me in the background 'Am I really real?..like with my own soul?'


I'm not even really sure what a "soul" is but a good guess IMO is that as long as you are self-aware, able to form your own thoughts, it means you have a soul.

After all, you need to be real and to exist in order to question yourself about your own existence. Non-existent things cannot question themselves, ask if they have a soul etc. Therefore if you are able to ask the question, the answer is yes. ;)

(Or if you want the harsh version, that I once told my girlfriend because I knew it would make her laugh: "For someone who does not exist you sure make an awful lot of noise." It made her realize that the simple fact of talking is proof enough that she is real and that she exists.)
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Re: A New Start (the way forwards)

Postby TheTriForce » Tue Jun 28, 2022 1:23 pm

ArbreMonde wrote:
YunaTheSummoner wrote:At this point i can hear LS asking me in the background 'Am I really real?..like with my own soul?'


I'm not even really sure what a "soul" is but a good guess IMO is that as long as you are self-aware, able to form your own thoughts, it means you have a soul.

After all, you need to be real and to exist in order to question yourself about your own existence. Non-existent things cannot question themselves, ask if they have a soul etc. Therefore if you are able to ask the question, the answer is yes. ;)

(Or if you want the harsh version, that I once told my girlfriend because I knew it would make her laugh: "For someone who does not exist you sure make an awful lot of noise." It made her realize that the simple fact of talking is proof enough that she is real and that she exists.)


LOL! :D I think for Little Susie the ..''insecurity'?..is that the right word? ..over whether she really exists partly stems from the huge chunks of missing memory from childhood.She once mentioned to me it made her feel sad that she could never remember riding her little red bike..

.I asked her 'what little red bike?'

She replied..'Don't you remember?..mummy told us once she bought us a little red bike with stabilisers for christmas but we were so ill we couldn't ride it' '

me <thinking> :roll: ..erm..????

LS 'I remember seeing it ..sparkling. and shiny... next to the christmas tree! but I never remember going on it!.

Me: :shock: no memory of a little red bike at 6yo at all!!


Now I think about it...I remember my mum telling me (as Teen S) when I was about..13/14?.. about a bike I got when younger one year for xmas but I was too ill with chicken pox to ride it. I don't remember the bike at all or anything about that xmas, but LS does! ... she remembers the colour and that it had a little basket on to take dolly for a ride! (she also remembers the dolls and teddies she had and their names) :D ..but doesn't remember ever riding it or going from using stabilisers to 2 wheels. ..so sometimes she thinks she imagined it all!


It can't just be in my head..there's too many odd things ..like once tidying up I found a small very worn looking koala toy... suddenly there's a scream of delight (from Susie) .."you found Twinkle!!!"

Me..Twinkle?????

Apparently its the only toy we have that our gran (mums side) bought us years ago when they went on holiday...months later we're looking through old photo's and find one of the grandparents on holiday ...<LS> 'That's where Nanny got Twinkle from!' ..I had to do a google search for the old shops they were standing in front of to find out where it was taken!

Stuff like this still amazes me!! <and confuses me> .... If I'm just talking to an 'imagined memory of myself' as a child how can she point out things I can't remember or don't know! ..even allowing for the fact that a stroke may have impacted my memories ..if I'd forgotten...wouldn't everybody in the system have also lost those memories? ..if they were all 'imagined' I mean???
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Re: A New Start (the way forwards)

Postby ArbreMonde » Wed Jun 29, 2022 6:00 am

That's the thing with dissociation: you can have real memories that feel fake because you do not feel the happened to "you-you" - but other alters feel they happened to themselves and recognize them as real.

You can have symbolic memories of events, that feel more real than the objective memories, because the objective / factual memory feels too unbearable.

Some memories can be accessible by some alters only - such as with LS remembering the bike while you, Yuna, cannot remember it (yet).

Without being dissociated, some triggers (positive, negative or neutral) can be needed to remember some memories, such as Proust's madeleine.

Similarly, sometimes similar memories are mashed together because why not? They are similar, or happened in the same context, so, let's put them in the same memory file! (Example: if you went to Disney World for your Bday a few years in a row, your brain may not remember that "we saw a lost goat on the highway" and "we ate at the Rainforest Café" happened in two different years, and just mash them together as "it happened the same year" because the context is the same: going to Disney for your Bday with your family and having fun.)

Memories are a funky thing but there is always a logic behind them.
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Re: A New Start (the way forwards)

Postby TheTriForce » Wed Jun 29, 2022 8:13 am

ArbreMonde wrote:
You can have symbolic memories of events, that feel more real than the objective memories, because the objective / factual memory feels too unbearable.

Some memories can be accessible by some alters only - such as with LS remembering the bike while you, Yuna, cannot remember it (yet).



well...it seems none of the older teen/adult alters have any memory before 7-8 years old. I guess thats why I was surprised LS had memories from a xmas when we were 6!

what are you meaning when you say 'symbolic memory' and 'objective memory'?

so basically it seems when we were at our most autistic the brain over categorised things to cope? ..eg assigning all 'school memories' to Sioux then keeping her separate from everyone else so those memories didn't influence the self who enjoyed being at home or the one trying to cope with 'going to work' later in life etc? ..a 'new version of me' was created for each new situation/transition of life (school to college...college to work etc)


So the brain/system thinks its created a new alter to cope with the 'stroke situation'? but I feel I am (the one who previously described here as) 'Teen S' who has finally found her back to the front as full time host again and found a way that Juno '(M' re-incarnated as my twin) can still 'live with me' in the real world!

so how do I stop it constantly making new alters to take over whenever we feel threatened by a new life event?

I imagine the next big one would be if my sibling passed before I did leaving me alone or this current dog (unless another stroke was to happen first before those events)
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Re: A New Start (the way forwards)

Postby ArbreMonde » Wed Jun 29, 2022 4:43 pm

A "symbolic memory" would be e.g. when all my memories of being a child with a lot of deep pain, depression and nihilistic tendencies, were hidden under the mask of "Oh it is just my Mewtwo alter being all angsty and emo again" until I was able to face the objective fact that nope, these were the thoughts of the abused child I used to be. The memories are here, but hidden behind a mask to make them more bearable untill I am stable enough to remove the mask and see what is behind.

I too have memories categorized by context, each context being assigned to a given alter. It is less categorized now that I have had some integration going on. Ghosty for the school memories up untill I met my first ex, David for everything related to the maternal grandparents, and so on.

It is not unheard of, to create new alters when new situations arrive and we need to keep these memories and abilities separate from the rest in order to cope. Such as, creating a "work alter" when we start working in adult life, and so on. So it is completely logical that new alters came to life each time an important and stressfull transition happened in your life. You needed this in order to face the new situations. It helped you cope.

Therefore it would not be surprising that a new "you" appeared in order to deal with the stroke. After all, it IS a very stressful event! So it was easier to have a new alter to focus on recovering from the stroke and only that. Easier than asking someone else to deal with the stress from the stroke AND the stress from the other things they already remember and carry.

Sometimes, when "dormant" alters are able to face a new situation, they pop to the front, with "updates" if needed. Which might be your situation, since you feel you are "Teen S" back to the front.

The brain creates new alters whenever needed. In order to stop the phenomenon, you need to stop needing it. (Thank you Captain Obvious!) Which means, stabilizing your mental health (anxiety, etc.) and learning new tools to cope with stressful situations. There are examples in the book "Coping with trauma related dissociation" that you can start with while waiting to find a trained therapist. :) Do not hesitate to focus first on the chapters that seem to tackle the issues you prefer to start with. Its okay if you want to leave some chapters on the side before you feel more able to tackle them. One step at a time!
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Re: A New Start (the way forwards)

Postby TheTriForce » Thu Jun 30, 2022 7:50 am

ArbreMonde wrote:A "symbolic memory" would be e.g. when all my memories of being a child with a lot of deep pain, depression and nihilistic tendencies, were hidden under the mask of "Oh it is just my Mewtwo alter being all angsty and emo again" until I was able to face the objective fact that nope, these were the thoughts of the abused child I used to be. The memories are here, but hidden behind a mask to make them more bearable untill I am stable enough to remove the mask and see what is behind.

I too have memories categorized by context, each context being assigned to a given alter. It is less categorized now that I have had some integration going on. Ghosty for the school memories up untill I met my first ex, David for everything related to the maternal grandparents, and so on.

It is not unheard of, to create new alters when new situations arrive and we need to keep these memories and abilities separate from the rest in order to cope. Such as, creating a "work alter" when we start working in adult life, and so on. So it is completely logical that new alters came to life each time an important and stressfull transition happened in your life. You needed this in order to face the new situations. It helped you cope.

Therefore it would not be surprising that a new "you" appeared in order to deal with the stroke. After all, it IS a very stressful event! So it was easier to have a new alter to focus on recovering from the stroke and only that. Easier than asking someone else to deal with the stress from the stroke AND the stress from the other things they already remember and carry.

Sometimes, when "dormant" alters are able to face a new situation, they pop to the front, with "updates" if needed. Which might be your situation, since you feel you are "Teen S" back to the front.

The brain creates new alters whenever needed. In order to stop the phenomenon, you need to stop needing it. (Thank you Captain Obvious!) Which means, stabilizing your mental health (anxiety, etc.) and learning new tools to cope with stressful situations. There are examples in the book "Coping with trauma related dissociation" that you can start with while waiting to find a trained therapist. :) Do not hesitate to focus first on the chapters that seem to tackle the issues you prefer to start with. Its okay if you want to leave some chapters on the side before you feel more able to tackle them. One step at a time!


Thanks.. we will have to look into getting this book... its probably on Amazon, we were going to put an order in soon for the dog.



Yes I am definitely the one previously described as 'Teen S' ..I know this because of the intensity of connection with M. I was the one present in the real world during her time of cancer and then passing. I think the 'NDE (Near Death Experience) may have triggered me out with the clot causing Kit (who had been the upfront at that point) to hallucinate. Been able to communicate with spirits was my area!

I also had the stronger bond with sibling because of what we went through at the time and carried the memory of the legal name being changed. (newer alters after Thea never realised the legal name they responded to was not the original birth name). I guess the system felt I was the one who needed to be at the front to give proof that we knew who we were and could instantly recognise my brother and communicate with the spirits sent to help.


We may have to write out some kind of 'Disasters Emergency Plan' maybe if we work out how we could handle a situation ahead of time, the system would automatically follow that plan if it happened? We have so much more awareness of 'each other' now and who works best where that surely we could come up with something to preserve the current system without adding more to the mix?
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Re: A New Start (the way forwards)

Postby ArbreMonde » Fri Jul 01, 2022 5:00 am

Having some "Emergency Plan" is a very good idea I think! :D
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